Are Some People Just Too Damaged To Heal?

[Shellbell]

Dear Abstract, Pencil, Gizmo & Jaret,

I talked (sobbed) over our decision to emigrate with my H last night, as I got myself in such a state about it. The fear I have is immense, still. And my H said that with all he did to me, my fear is understable and not irrational.

My H believes we made a very necessary choice to emigrate. I believe staying would have been too much temptation for the psycho. My child is a non-negotiable risk. His safety was paramount.

My H did calm me a little by reminding me that the distance was a very good thing and a barrier to any further harm, although did acknowledge, not a complete barrier.

Thank you for helping me talk through this. It is my greatest fear and it is an all consuming and intense fear.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[Shellbell]

I started to realise that what I needed to do was get better personal skills and better self esteem. Now sometimes when I have flashbacks I imagining myself doing something about it in a much better way. I see myself strong and assertive. I feel I can be like this in future real situations too becuase I saw in my mind that if I behaved differently the end result would also be different.

It is a journey of self discovery for me really as I had no idea who I was or what I thought, so confused and thinking there must be something wrong with me. I doubted everything about myself and my actions. Actually I was never shown how to assert myself, never had my confidence boosted or my actions supported.

Saffy, thank you for this, this really helps.

It is journey of self discovery, all of it and there is so much confusion for many of us. I think we do doubt our actions and have little confidence, but as time and therapy goes on, we can reclaim some confidence and control of our emotions and have strategies to move towards a more healing process and have a different end result to the situation we are in now, or have been in the past.

 

[Pencil]

Shellbell :hug:

(I used to be a professor, so please forgive my endless lectures.)

Your fear is understandable, but it seems as if you live your life in code black. You may never, for as long as he is alive, go down to yellow, but you need more practical things in place to get yourself out of black.But not only practical steps, also something inside yourself.

When I said you will be fine, it was not just a platitude. I said that based on the fact that:
your ability to relate has not been destroyed - which is a biggie (in fact, looking at your interaction with other members I think you have above average interpersonal skills); you have a loving and supportive husband (a HUGE biggie); you have children whose needs you put first (not always a given, as we all know); you have a brain; you are a reasonable and rational adult; your emotional reactions are appropriate to the circumstances.

Not everyone is graced with these things. My deepest, sincerest wish for you is to not be beaten down by this sorry excuse of a human. I'll find the words for what I wish for you, and then I'll tell you :)

 

[Pencil]

Jaret
Before that my relationships were also distant as I just can't get close

To be honest, my relationships were highly abusive. The last one caused a total shutdown of systems.

 

[Tanishq]

Shellbell, You know you live in our world. That world where kindness, care and lovely support exists.

in this world, Universal Justice exists.

Big :hug:

 

[Tanishq]

I used to be a professor, so please forgive my endless lectures.

Hi Pencil,

You're complete opposite of my aunt who bombards lectures on me and none of them makes them. You are still educated person and knows how to support.

I am sorry you had to go through abusive relationship.

Big :hug:

 

[Abstract]

I talked (sobbed) over our decision to emigrate with my H last night, as I got myself in such a state about it. The fear I have is immense, still. And my H said that with all he did to me, my fear is understandable and not irrational.

My H believes we made a very necessary choice to emigrate.

Oh dear Shellbell. I am so sorry. Yes it is absolutely understandable!!! I don't think anyone in your situation would feel any differently. And I totally do believe it was necessary to emigrate. Your country of origin had betrayed you and you were faced with death threats of your child by a total psycho who had proved he meant business! I would be out of there yesterday already. I think you are pretty amazing for surviving all that. You may be in deep pain but you are still here and your son and husband too.

I hope you know that I am not in any way, and never would, minimise what you have been through or the pain you are in now and that I totally understand your feelings and actions.

I somehow had a feeling you might be struggling as a result of what has been discussed on this thread but didn't want to impose. I hope tomorrow feels a bit safer. Feel free to channel the discussion a direction that will be most helpful to you too. :hug::hug::hug:

 

[Pencil]

I am sorry you had to go through abusive relationship.

Big :hug:

Hi Jaret, thanks for that. I have to accept the fact that I chose them - repetition compulsion or something like that. Big :hug: to you too!

 

[Shellbell]

Dear Abstract, you are so lovely, thank you for your ongoing support, it means a lot to me :hug:

Everyone has been very very supportive and very validating. The fear I have of him is my own and is something that hasn't left me since I was 16 years old. And I'm now 41, and I think he has had enough years of my life with me living in fear of him, terrorising my dreams, re-living all the pain he caused. I want it to stop, I just don't know how yet.

I am struggling with it, especially as having any emotions regarding him, leads to feelings of terror.

But, this is something I need to get past, however long it takes. It's something I want to conquer, so I don't have that binding me to him forever.

I think, as painful as it is, I need to acknowledge these intense fears I have, in particular to my T. That's if I can stop dissociating long enough to tell her :confused:

I want so badly to ask her if I am too damaged to heal fully, but I daren't, as I'm not sure I want to know the answer.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My situation, Shellbell is not like yours but there was a time when I thought I was permenently damaged. I used to tell people that I was emotionally retarted to explain me. I thought I had to explain me to others. I do not do that anymore.

I think this is a good thing to talk to you therapist about. Getting it out of you will take some of its power over you away. I think you are not too damaged. I think you have been branded and deeply wounded and traumatized and the trauma is still going on. It is too much to face and deal with.

I wish you the best with your T. I really hope you can discuss these things. They are real important to where you are right now.

Being safe if a number one need and that need goes unmet in you. I am so sorry you are going through this kind of terror and horror. That you have had to take the steps you did. I think you are very brave and couragous. Big hugs.:hug:

 

[Abstract]

I could like Gizmo's post a million times.;)

 

[Shellbell]

Thank you as well Gizmo. You are very supportive and have helped me a lot through this.

You are right about not having to explain ourselves to people. And you are right - this is really important to where I am right now. But, it is a good thing that I know it and need to deal with it.

I wish I could like both of your posts a million times too!.

:hug: :hug: