Hi Atl22,
It really does suck to be so proud of something, and receive a bland "Oh, but I don't like the composition, I would have done it different". Grrrrrr!
I think a lot of what I've done was to impress others based on what they found interesting or commendable, but the satisfaction of achievement and pride in capability that I gained moved those topics into my list of personal desires. I used to dream of being vastly different than the general public, and I think that comes from my lack of faith in people and general distaste for humanity due to abuse and the lack of protection. I vowed to never be like my father in any way, and took great strides to do the opposite of everything he did, all the while trying to impress him with skills in auto mechanics and construction because that's "what" he did. It's confusing, but it turned out to be beneficial because I can fix and build things with confidence. But I don't believe I would have learned those things without the damaging influence of his neglect and abuse. I can say that I truly enjoy driving muscle cars, ATV's, and other equipment, as well as running production machinery. The power and the inner workings of these things really are my own personal interests. But I don't particularily enjoy replacing a water pump or heater core like I thought I did for so many years. It was the accomplishment that I could express to others and the praise I was seeking that drove me to do these things in the first place. Of course some of it was just neccessity due to being a single parent with financial limitations, but again, that's where it was beneficial to be able to do it myself.
There are many things that I want to do as far as art is concerned. I'm really interested in Digital Art, such as the fantastic and intensely detailed creatures you find in the better quality video games. But that endeavor is very expensive and time comsuming. It's not that I don't have the time, but I feel guilty spending that much time on anything. I would love to put my whole being into the Digital Art and/or into lyric writing. I think I could be very successful at both. But my family can't justify the time spent until they can confirm the monetary benefit. I'm in school for Web Design, and then on to Software Engineering, in hopes that an education will allow me to make the money I need to justify my desires to my family. On one hand I know I can do it, but on the other... I have serious doubts that it will happen. Nothing of the sort has ever panned out for me before. I go through spells of thinking something I've produced would be a slam dunk on the market, only to quickly begin doubting its worth. "It's too good to be true", or "It's too much of a risk to pursue". I hate that about myself. I don't know if I should pursue it anyway, regardless of the nay-sayers and negative Nellies, or if I should heed their advice and give more priority to my family. My resources for advice and constructive criticism are very limited, and not affiliated with art professionals, so I can't be sure if it's the right advice for me.
I wish someone would open a door and invite me in, or hold my hand and walk me to the top. This damned disorder, and the Depression, has been a serious inhibitor. For the life of me, I can't figure out how an intelligent and talented person, like myself, isn't successful at something fantastic at my age. I get sucked into feeling like a failure very easily, as well as feeling like it's too late. Rational me fights it every step of the way, but is held at bay by my symptoms. I know it's never too late, and I know I'm not a failure; but try and tell that to the weak and irrational beast that lives in my mind. I get so angry to think about what I could have done already, and why I didn't.
I was self destructive too in my 20's. I put myself in dangerous and dispicable places because I thought that was where I belonged. My esteem was in the toilet back then. In my own opinion I was just a piece of meat to be chewed on and slapped around. No respectable man, or person of either sex for that matter, could be expected to find me worthy. I didn't think I was, how could anyone else? Although your strong desire to put yourself in the battle zones, like my comfort in belonging to the realm of crack houses and dancer bars, may not have had the most healthy intentions, I find it honorable that you fought for our country; like millions of other's do. I'm so very glad you made it home, and are now pursuing happiness and mental health. I'm proud of you!! You took a challenging and unhealthy mind set, and made it into somthing positive and commendable. You rock!!
Your old girlfriend sounds like someone who was just wrong for you. That happens, and love or attraction has nothing to do with it. It certainly isn't a matter of your worth either. If you think about it, a boat is very valuable to a New England fisherman, but not valuable at all to a Mid American plains farmer. It's all in how one contributes to the other. If a person doesn't inspire motivation or benefit, it's no different than simple need of the right equipment. Nobody wants to be held back, nor does anyone want to realize they're holding someone else back. It sucks when you're looking into someone's eyes, and thinking about how much you love them, but that's life. You wouldn't put a brick wall at the end of an assembly line, so why do we stay with people who stop us from moving forward in our lives? I don't have the answer to that one.
In closing, I'd like to mention that my boyfriend is upset about my posts. He feels as if I'm slamming him, and pointing out all of his flaws. I don't want to do that, and I don't want him to suffer with that emotion. He is valuable, and he is making efforts. I wouldn't want anyone to make decisions based solely on my opinions either. We are all responsible for our own assesments regarding any topic; art, relationships or otherwise. This probably isn't the best place to add this footnote, so I'll repeat it elsewhere, but I just wanted to say thank you to my carer, and all the other carers on these forums.
And thank you to Atl22 as well, for your honesty and support.
~Meli
It really does suck to be so proud of something, and receive a bland "Oh, but I don't like the composition, I would have done it different". Grrrrrr!
I think a lot of what I've done was to impress others based on what they found interesting or commendable, but the satisfaction of achievement and pride in capability that I gained moved those topics into my list of personal desires. I used to dream of being vastly different than the general public, and I think that comes from my lack of faith in people and general distaste for humanity due to abuse and the lack of protection. I vowed to never be like my father in any way, and took great strides to do the opposite of everything he did, all the while trying to impress him with skills in auto mechanics and construction because that's "what" he did. It's confusing, but it turned out to be beneficial because I can fix and build things with confidence. But I don't believe I would have learned those things without the damaging influence of his neglect and abuse. I can say that I truly enjoy driving muscle cars, ATV's, and other equipment, as well as running production machinery. The power and the inner workings of these things really are my own personal interests. But I don't particularily enjoy replacing a water pump or heater core like I thought I did for so many years. It was the accomplishment that I could express to others and the praise I was seeking that drove me to do these things in the first place. Of course some of it was just neccessity due to being a single parent with financial limitations, but again, that's where it was beneficial to be able to do it myself.
There are many things that I want to do as far as art is concerned. I'm really interested in Digital Art, such as the fantastic and intensely detailed creatures you find in the better quality video games. But that endeavor is very expensive and time comsuming. It's not that I don't have the time, but I feel guilty spending that much time on anything. I would love to put my whole being into the Digital Art and/or into lyric writing. I think I could be very successful at both. But my family can't justify the time spent until they can confirm the monetary benefit. I'm in school for Web Design, and then on to Software Engineering, in hopes that an education will allow me to make the money I need to justify my desires to my family. On one hand I know I can do it, but on the other... I have serious doubts that it will happen. Nothing of the sort has ever panned out for me before. I go through spells of thinking something I've produced would be a slam dunk on the market, only to quickly begin doubting its worth. "It's too good to be true", or "It's too much of a risk to pursue". I hate that about myself. I don't know if I should pursue it anyway, regardless of the nay-sayers and negative Nellies, or if I should heed their advice and give more priority to my family. My resources for advice and constructive criticism are very limited, and not affiliated with art professionals, so I can't be sure if it's the right advice for me.
I wish someone would open a door and invite me in, or hold my hand and walk me to the top. This damned disorder, and the Depression, has been a serious inhibitor. For the life of me, I can't figure out how an intelligent and talented person, like myself, isn't successful at something fantastic at my age. I get sucked into feeling like a failure very easily, as well as feeling like it's too late. Rational me fights it every step of the way, but is held at bay by my symptoms. I know it's never too late, and I know I'm not a failure; but try and tell that to the weak and irrational beast that lives in my mind. I get so angry to think about what I could have done already, and why I didn't.
I was self destructive too in my 20's. I put myself in dangerous and dispicable places because I thought that was where I belonged. My esteem was in the toilet back then. In my own opinion I was just a piece of meat to be chewed on and slapped around. No respectable man, or person of either sex for that matter, could be expected to find me worthy. I didn't think I was, how could anyone else? Although your strong desire to put yourself in the battle zones, like my comfort in belonging to the realm of crack houses and dancer bars, may not have had the most healthy intentions, I find it honorable that you fought for our country; like millions of other's do. I'm so very glad you made it home, and are now pursuing happiness and mental health. I'm proud of you!! You took a challenging and unhealthy mind set, and made it into somthing positive and commendable. You rock!!
Your old girlfriend sounds like someone who was just wrong for you. That happens, and love or attraction has nothing to do with it. It certainly isn't a matter of your worth either. If you think about it, a boat is very valuable to a New England fisherman, but not valuable at all to a Mid American plains farmer. It's all in how one contributes to the other. If a person doesn't inspire motivation or benefit, it's no different than simple need of the right equipment. Nobody wants to be held back, nor does anyone want to realize they're holding someone else back. It sucks when you're looking into someone's eyes, and thinking about how much you love them, but that's life. You wouldn't put a brick wall at the end of an assembly line, so why do we stay with people who stop us from moving forward in our lives? I don't have the answer to that one.
In closing, I'd like to mention that my boyfriend is upset about my posts. He feels as if I'm slamming him, and pointing out all of his flaws. I don't want to do that, and I don't want him to suffer with that emotion. He is valuable, and he is making efforts. I wouldn't want anyone to make decisions based solely on my opinions either. We are all responsible for our own assesments regarding any topic; art, relationships or otherwise. This probably isn't the best place to add this footnote, so I'll repeat it elsewhere, but I just wanted to say thank you to my carer, and all the other carers on these forums.
And thank you to Atl22 as well, for your honesty and support.
~Meli
