Are you ever free?

[Beemo3780]

My family doesn't really think I'm crazy, they just like to put a lot on me. All the blame for everything that has gone wrong in their lives. And they like to be jealous and angry and want to see me fail. My mother ended up being my responsibility growing up, and my dad just expected this 10 year old girl to take care of her bipolar mom and make sure that her sister was taken care of too. I had a lot put on my shoulders. My mom would try to kill herself in extreme ways, and I would have to take care of it, as a little kid. Then because they both had professional careers and had public lives in the community, they would cover it all up. It helps when your mom is a medical practitioner and her friends at the hospital help her out. No one was going to come rescue me. They were just miserable people. And then I got away from them, didn't know how to live happily, and jumped right into an abusive marriage with a man who told me that he was going to "protect" me. That was my 10 year nightmare, and that fight or flight response never turned itself off. But that's on me, and I own that shit.

So I got my second chance. I escaped that man, ran far away and started building my "perfect" life. It's one of those things where I seriously didn't think I could make it to the end of the week let alone have a future. I have tons of health problems now that I really do believe are from the high amounts of stress. I was born with a heart condition, I just stopped going to the cardiologist because I don't even want to know how bad it's gotten. A lot of my friends look to me as the strong woman, I laugh at that, if they could only see me when I'm panicking about something ridiculous.

I eventually married my longtime best friend, and we bought a gorgeous house that we can fill with the people we do care about, and now I'm working on the career part. I'm unapologetic about any of it. I learned that your past is always a part of you. You're gonna drag it around with you no matter what. I learned to work around all that and just focus on my future, because I'm so very lucky I even have one.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm sorry to hear that @Beemo3780! I guess I was just frustrated at myself that I keep getting pulled back to my past and falling for it. My therapist sort of said the same thing. Think of *these* things that you are doing though that's proactive toward being stable and more functional or whatever in the future. He said that I will never forget the past (though I'd like to) but that I am trying to put coping mechisims in place. So, I guess thats all I can do.

 

[0101 not logged in]

I guess it just gets old. Trying so f*cking hard to always seemed pulled back. I guess self...

I felt every word of what you are saying. I was held hostage *sort of* in my past. Pretty severe abuse when I was young. I ran off in a one-on-one cult, my therapists describe it at Stockholm syndrome that held me there. I wasn't able to think for myself until he went to jail and then a flood of emotions hit and I made a break for it.

I'm just telling you all this so you know I've had pretty severe extended trauma. It's been 20yrs and I'm now in 2 day a week therapy and dealing with a dissociative disorder but I can honestly say I finally feel SO much better. I have stopped coming to this site entirely because I feel so calm and normal every day. I just came back this morning to tell people, it does get better! My ptsd was so severe and pervasive for years. This crushin feeling of permanence will lighten if you are persistent in therapy. Hang in there.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I was held hostage *sort of* in my past. Pretty severe abuse when I was young. I ran off in a one-on-one cult, my therapists describe it at Stockholm syndrome that held me there. I wasn't able to think for myself until he went to jail and then a flood of emotions hit and I made a break for it

I grew up in a cult ran by my step dad and mom. My therapist said I had Stolkholm for a few yrs of my forced therapy. I brought all the rituals but one into adulthood and it took a ton of effort to finally stop and I got sucked back into it some how and thats frustrating! At myself mostly as I can see it as abuse at least no and no longer a "good christian up bringing" and so I should know better.

Though I guess it shouldn't suprise me that I ran back to my comfort zone when my world is currently turned upside.down and crashed in on me...it just.gets old I guess. Just slam my head into the wall as I cannot.seem.to keep.comtrol of my own brian!

 

[One step at a time]

Once, at the end of a session, I told my therapist that I felt like I was back where I had been before - I was going in circles. And she said she didn't see me that way. She saw me struggling. I felt exhausted and hopeless and there wasn't much time left, so I just told her that I had no idea what she meant by it, but that she had a bad habit of being right, so I'd try to trust it.

She has a bad habit of being right, and this wasn't an exception. Looking back, I think every time it has seemed like I'm back where I was before, there's been a reason - a new stressor, something I needed to learn.

I don't know how many times I've found myself wearily eying the prospect of picking up the fight again. At a minimum, I got a lot of practice putting myself back together. And maybe some of this is true for you, too.
Sending hope.

 

[Tinyflame]

I really like what you wrote @One step at a time .

Thank you. :notworthy:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@One step at a time, my therapist has a habit of being right and he always tells me how he sees me moving or what he sees happening.

There is no doubt that I ran back to the rituals but he reminded me of what I am doing thats good and is always preparing to be independent again and functional. So thats a good thing. He said that I am struggling and overwhelmed and though it isn't good, it makes sense why I would do it.

Anyway, I guess its easier to understand why. Still sucks and its still frustrating. I can see that I am not stuck or going backwards or a circle. I can see my foward movements but I guess that is making it a bit more frustrating. Cause I knew better. But I need to accept that it happened and I can't change it and just look forward. I think anyway.

Thanks for the reply! It helps to remember to trust my therapist and how he sees stuff! And it helps to remember to take in replies here too and see how others see things. Thar always helps!

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@lostforgottensoul
I am sitting here repeatedly typing and backspacing. I'm reeling in memories throughout the decades of my life and how many times I have asked myself that question. I haven't read the other posts because my ability to focus is is random at best. I also believe the answer is an individual one.

A Lewis Carroll quote, “I knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then.”

I use that quote because at this moment I feel sure in the answer(s) I'm about to give. That doesn't mean there isn't a chance I'm not literally banging my head screaming your question a few hours, weeks or years from now.

Our experience and how it affects us depends on which emotional lens we filter it through at any given moment.

• I can tell you fighting it with the "Whys?" makes it worse.
• Regardless of how often you've been told differently, its NOT YOUR FAULT. It actually had nothing to do with "YOU". It would have been someone else had you not been there.
• You are very likely not the only one no matter what the others say.
• No matter what you say, you will never change another's denial. Their denial is their truth.
• It is, always was and always will be about "THEM" and their choices.
• Make your choices all about you and take responsibility for your choices.
• Genuine, repeated, self-validation and self-forgiveness is all you'll ever need.
  
• An "I will beat this!" attitude, by my experience is a momentary, delusional, pick-me-up.
• Thinking there is a cure or that you're cured is dangerous denial that makes all past experience seem like a walk in the park when it comes back to kick your foolish ass with an unimaginable vengeance.
• Literally saying out loud, "I am in an emotional flashback that has nothing to do with this moment." Helps pause irrational reacting, most of the time.
• Acceptance leads to self-compassion. Treasure these fleeting moments and write them down.
• You did not live through it all to suffer but to learn. That doesn't mean you won't suffer *sighs*
• The experts, physical or mental are in their infancy in understanding CPTSD. The fact that there is an unspoken agreement not to tread on each other's turf rather than compare notes speaks volumes.

I realize parts of what I wrote might sound negative to some. Its only my momentary understanding.
I do know for sure I have to keep getting back up and moving. It does not matter if I have to drag my body to something to hold on to so I can pull my body first to my knees and resting before I completely pull myself up. It does not matter how small the step. It doesn't even matter if I slowly drag my feet because I don't have the energy to lift them as long as the direction is forward.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I do know for sure I have to keep getting back up and moving. It does not matter if I have to drag my body to something to hold on to so I can pull my body first to my knees and resting before I completely pull myself up. It does not matter how small the step. It doesn't even matter if I slowly drag my feet because I don't have the energy to lift them as long as the direction is forward.

That's a really good point! One of which my therapist speaks of often. I do, right now at least, though I back tracked, see that I am still moving foward. My therapist often sees foward movements when I do not so he sees me moving faster then I see but I at least can see that I am not stuck or standing still. And I have often been stuck and standing still. So, I guess it is something that I have to keep reminding myself. Though I fell and though I ran back to it, I still started to move foward again. I think that maybe the "I ran back to it and knew better" mindset or thinking is one of self punishment?

Your points were all good and all need to be re-read and digested I think. Self frustration seems to be easier these days and I'm not sure why.

 

[Changing4Best]

Yes and no. I am more careful than I used to be, that is for sure. And that old saying that you cannot judge a book by its cover is so true, because my abusers both were handsome, articulate men. They came across in public as gentlemen, but in private they were wife beaters. One was also a child abuser and molester, the other could have been, I don't know, but he did rape me. I am finally able to have a boyfriend now (after years of being alone, but I refuse to marry or live with him, even though he wants to marry me. I will not let any man have that much power over me ever again if I can help it!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@SheilaKathy, my abusers were also very innocent, professional, gentlemen looking people. They went against what society sees as what "perps look like". They had split lives and real world "normal" faces. It is odd how someone can act so normal in the world but so psycopath behind closed doors. My step dad looked like a loving caring father figure and my mom a loving caring mother; both as a loving christian home. Even my christian youth center director mentor in high school saw it that way. A loving christian home. They had the act down pat! That's why I feel it is dangerous to generalize bad guys as weirdo types as that wasn't how my abusers were at all. All of them was like that. One an active cop.

Anyway, I feel you on the yes and no. Can date but can't marry. Though I am out of the dating world due to how I reenact it all still, I feel like that. Where I can remove myself but it sucks me back in here and there. The rituals are society taboos and not being able to marry is accepted though. A lot of shame associated with it. I felt that when I made it known on here and it was understandable but shows how society and people react. It causes a boatload of shame. So, maybe that's part of the problem. Not sure how to fix that though. I'm not sure how to change my thinking about it to not allow what most or many say or feel about it to affect me. You know? So, I think that's maybe what's breeding the frustration. Shame.

 

[garden]

Sometimes I have days where I feel 'free', and others I am trapped in ground hog day. Ground hog day comes around less often, and is shorter lived, but it never goes away. I am changing slowly over time through my stubborn persistence, and through my determination to bring up my kid as a whole human being with the strength of character to navigate this crazy world. My purpose is what keeps me going. My focus is on things outside of myself, and this also keeps me going. I don't know what my healing would look like if I didn't have these things to focus on. Is this being free? Not sure, but it's working out for me so far.