Poll Are You More Angry At Your Perpetrating Parent Or Your Parent That Did Not Protect You?

[MomOfTwo]

I did not vote because I am undecided as of now. I used to think I forgave everything my father did because I love him so much and 'moved on' with all his emotional and physical abuse.

Upon entering therapy I am I guess questioning everything. I used to see my mom as a victim because she was of domestic violence. I used to beg her to leave and she did not. She failed to protect me or my siblings yet will never take responsibility for that. She does not see her children as victims. She only sees herself as one. She is still so emotionally and mentally abusive that my relationship is guarded with her.

My father is not the man he used to be and is very supportive of me now. If he was perpetuating the same sort of abuse I had while growing up I would not have a relationship with him. That being said, I would not trust him to look after my children. I made a promise to myself as a child that if I ever had children I would never leave him alone with them. I cannot break that promise no matter what.

I don't think it is easy to answer the poll. Everyone may feel different at different points in their lives. While growing up I always just blamed my dad. Now I guess I blame my parents equally. They were equally responsible for my well being.

 

[Britt.f7]

She does not see her children as victims. She only sees herself as one.

I saw this hoarder show in which the woman kept blaming everyone else but herself, including her children, for the mess she was in. She was misunderstood, blah blah blah. I had to turn the channel because I couldn't take her. I guess that's because my mom had a habit of blaming me. I'm the reason she would fly off the handle, or do this or that. When I tended to do mothering things at a young age, instead of realizing that is because she stepped out of the roll and someone had to do it, it was my fault because that was just my personality. Very frustrating.

That being said, I would not trust him to look after my children.

I questioned about my dad watching over my kids. Then when he told me, before I was anywhere near having children, that he would spank my kids with a belt instead of his hand(hand means love belt doesn't), I decided he wouldn't ever watch my kids right at that minute. The whole time my kids were young I never asked him to watch them and they never asked to stay over there without us. It wasn't until they were teens that they requested it and I felt it was okay. I figured they could tell me if anything happened. I don't blame you. My dad has mellowed out in his later years, he's 66, but I am still watchful.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Good for you Britt. Pat yourself on the back for doing such a good job protecting your kids.

 

[Britt.f7]

Thank you Gizmo. I've definitely received a lot of flack from various family members over it. Doesn't matter, they are my kids, not theirs.

 

[Bucky'sAngel]

My father abused both my sister and me. I didn't realize how angry I am with my mother until after she passed away. My sister talks about mom as if she could walk on water, and I have a very different memory of her. I think that my sister's carrying on is what triggered me to realize that mom failed to protect me. I don't think that mom protected either one of us. I think my sister is in denial, and it's not my place to set her straight.

 

[Britt.f7]

I think my sister is in denial, and it's not my place to set her straight.

I use to think my sister was my other set of eyes. Meaning she validated what had happened to me. Sometimes she still does, however, she has also been in denial. One time I was speaking of our childhood, the comment I made wasn't too bad, she jumped down my throat saying she didn't remember our childhood that way, etc. I felt so betrayed. Now I don't say much to her about it, but I also, don't let her sugar coat it when she is talking to me. I refuse to look through rose colored glasses as if nothing happened.

 

[Bucky'sAngel]

I can fully understand why you feel betrayed!! I tried to talk to her a couple of years ago about my perspective on things, and she shut me down with, "Well I was abused too! ! ". I clammed up too. It's not worth it. She lives half way across the country from me, and those closest to me 'get it', so I have let it go.

My sister is 10 years older than I am, and a victim of MS. I think that her neurological problems add to her issues, and I just stay detached.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Staying detached is a very good thing. Good for you in handling a difficult situation. Great boundries. You are taking good care of yourself. I have to make allowances for my sister who is nine years younger than me because she is dying now. It will not be easy. I am greatly encouraged by what you said.

 

[Ricanoland]

Even though she helped cause the abuse, It hurts more than she didn't protect me from it. I voted likewise.
I do have to say there is so many amazing, and strong people on this forum. It is honestly breathtaking to read your posts, I am oddly honored.

 

[unravelthemystery1]

This is one I have dealt with for years my step father abused me in every way verbally, emotionally, physically and eventually sexually. Once my mom knew about the sexual abuse she confronted him while leaving me with a friend then came and picked me up and stated we were going back home he threatened to take my brother if she left. Well from that point on the anger and depression started toward her, her message to me, I don't believe you, he said he was sleeping she believed him over me, protecting my brother was more important that protecting me therefore I am not good enough to protect, and I love your brother more therefore I am not lovable, I have acted accordingly throughout my life in other relationships. This has really affected my life and my relationship with my mother.

Talking to a counsellor she assured me this is normal she said it is easy to reason in your head that the abuser is plain and simple an asshole he didn't hide that he was but the non abusing parent the one who was loving has now just betrayed you for a child it is very hard to define who this parent is now. You trusted this parent would have your back and they did not, therefore leaving you very confused and hurt even further. So yes for me it was my mother I have a love hate relationship with her and am trying now to deal with why I feel so intensely about this with her. I believe that we all can get past things and am looking forward to that day. But for now the battle of recovery is on.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I said does not apply to me because both were abusers and neither one stopped the other. There was no protection. Occasionally manipulation that presented itself as protection but that was a facade, only an excuse to abuse someone else.

 

[Mafia_Science]

I'm surprised by the amount of people saying they're more angry at the non-perpetrating parent. Sure they didn't protect you, but they wouldn't need to protect you if the other parent didn't abuse you. Maybe they're scared.