"are you okay?"

[Sweetleaf]

Not sure if this is the right section, but it seemed to be the closest fit.

I feel like such a whiner making this thread, but this is something that's been bothering me.

Basically it boils down to this: in the past months since I freed myself from the abusive relationship I was in, and got diagnosed with PTSD, I've been asked if I'm okay like a zillion times. It's gotten insanely f*cking old.

Usually I will just be quiet or something and get asked that. Or maybe I'm legitimately in a bad mood, either way I get asked that question a bunch and it's super unhelpful. It makes me feel like I'm some unstable wacko person, and it also feels really invasive and prying.

I've found that now when I get asked that I just instantly flash with anger. I just literally keep answering it with "holy f*ck quit asking me if I'm okay please f*ck!"

I can't stand it. At the same time, getting pissed at people just pisses them off (even though I'm the one being treated like some f*cking mental case who always has to be asked if they're doing okay), and I can't just put on an act 24/7 to try to prevent being asked. Why does everyone have to keep asking if I'm okay? How do I better establish a boundary with my nearest support people (the ones doing this)? How should I react when I get asked, and it pisses me off?

 

[Mach123]

That's so funny because I get really fu*ked over in the head if anyone says that to me and I was thinking about it the other day. It makes me feel really exposed like how did I make a face that made someone ask me that? Then I get really mad and want to like verbally assault whoever asked me. Some of the people I deal with know I have PTSD. I just try to ignore it like everything? I'm not always mindful? I think sometimes the person probably felt concerned for me but also it's just a stupid thing people say now like "I know right?" Most people mean well or better than I think. Still though, I know it sucks. : ( I just never feel like I was prepared like you have to be walking around ready to be glib at a moments notice and not like a deer in the headlights which is how I feel when anyone says anything and I don't expect it.

 

[Sweetleaf]

It makes me feel really exposed like how did I make a face that made someone ask me that?

Yeah, I think the same sort of things. I worry about what sort of signals I'm sending that are prompting them to ask that, what sort of look I have on my face, etc. It does feel exposing to be asked that.

 

[Justmehere]

I can relate. “Are you ok? Are you ok? Are you ok?” after a traumatic event in my own life drove me nuts. All it did was remind me that I have cause to not be ok. And frankly, sometimes I wasn’t ok but didn’t want people to know and wondered why people asked.

Why does everyone have to keep asking if I'm okay?

It might be body language... or the reality that they feel like if they went through what you did, they wouldn’t be ok, so they assume you might not be ok. They might be slightly (or not so slightly) anxious about their friend and trying to caretake a little.

How do I better establish a boundary with my nearest support people (the ones doing this)?

I got into a habit of validating or thanking people for their concern and desire to know that I am alright, and followed it quickly with letting them know what would be more helpful to do. (“Instead or asking if I’m ok, just say hello... I’ll come to you and let you know if I need support.)

Sometimes supporters have to be coached on how to support.

 

[DharmaGirl]

@Justmehere, that's a great way of dealing with it. Getting angry and lashing out indicates you aren't ok, which reinforces their behavior. I had a friend who would ask me, and then say, "really or are you just saying that". I can't say that it ever made me angry since she was concerned and trying to be supportive. I told her I would let her know if I wasn't, but since I had had many attempts, she didn't believe that and I don't blame her. It did get old, but I set the scene with that one. I think if you answer, Yes, thank you, and move on to other conversation the behavior will die out. Or say No, I just need..., like @Justmehere said.

At the same time, getting pissed at people just pisses them off (even though I'm the one being treated like some f*cking mental case who always has to be asked if they're doing okay

Do you really think that's why they're asking? And do you really think that kind of response will help the situation? Maybe you should talk to them about it when you aren't angry.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Do you really think that's why they're asking? And do you really think that kind of response will help the situation?

Of course not, they're just reading cues on me and thinking that they should ask that. Them asking that, especially so often, makes me feel like I must come across as a mental case or something.
As I said, it only serves to piss them off, but I have tried asking them nicely not to do that anymore, and like, calmly explained it, but they kept doing it, so I started to get really upset when they would ask.

I was just kind of at a loss as to what to do to get it to stop. Maybe I need to keep asking nicely over and over and over?

 

[DharmaGirl]

That's what I had to do. For 2 or 3 years. I understand being upset, since they aren't listening to your feelings about this. I lost a lot of friends and acquaintances when they found out I had PTSD and was "mentally ill". It was like they were afraid it was contagious. They were doctors and nurses. I think they didn't know how to act around me so they just ditched me. It hurt then, but now I'm glad they didn't stick around.

Maybe you could say - Yes, are you ok? every time they do it. I think I remember trying that, don't remember if it worked. And as always, if what I say isn't helpful, just disregard.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Maybe you could say - Yes, are you ok? every time they do it.

Lol I think I'll have to try that.

 

[Justmehere]

It also might help to challenge your own interpretation that they think you are a mental case. By interpreting “are you ok?” to mean “you are a mental case” - on top of handling the question - well no wonder you are pissed.

But it’s not likely an accurate (or helpful) interpretation. Frankly, when most people think someone else is a mental case, they don’t even to even bother asking if they are ok. It’s unlikley your supporters have that judgement of you.

An example: I had a friend with a very serious medical problem recently. She had to get major surgery and then her husband was sick they were both in the hospital for a bit. For quite some time afterwards all I wanted to do was ask if she was ok, not just physically, but emotionally. Not because I think there is anything wrong with her but because I care about her deeply and she just went through hell and back. Some of it was also because I’m worried about her. I didn’t ask if she was ok or anxiously look for reassurance that she is ok because I know what it’s like to be on the other side of such anxious caretaking. Not helpful.

But most people who do that don’t realize it’s not helpful. Hopefully, your supporters will learn quickly.

 

[DharmaGirl]

they don’t even to even bother asking if they are ok.

You're right, you just get dropped as a friend. No eye contact in the hallways, etc. You are not a mental case anyway @Sweetleaf. PTSD is what happened to you, not how you acted. I was really sad when I was treated so badly by my doctor and nurse friends, but they really didn't care about me, the ones who stayed did.

 

[Mach123]

Someone asked me this the other day but I was ready and she really is sweet you know and she's really asking that so it's fine. Still, it's nice to be ready, I tend to reply so angrily if I'm not ready.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Someone asked me this the other day but I was ready and she really is sweet you know and she's really asking that so it's fine. Still, it's nice to be ready, I tend to reply so angrily if I'm not ready.

Thats great, I'm still kind of working on it myself, yesterday my sister asked me it because of the stress breathing I was doing, and I found it kind of funny in the moment that my anxiety was being visible enough to prompt that, so i just kinda went "haha, stop" and then a little later kinda explained how I was just high strung and anxious from my med increase. I'm not constantly getting angry at it anymore.