This thread almost brings me to tears. This a real dilemna for me. I have never been able to hold a job. I can't stand the idea. I went to art school. Here in Germany, all students get a monthly scholarship. So after my traumatic marriage, I was able to still function and pay my rent. I had problems studying. It took me three years to write a 20 page paper. But still, I was studying art. And art is something I am passionate about. My school has a real free structure. You decided pretty much everything and how you spend your time. It means you have to be really motivated. But for me it was perfect. I finished TOP in my class and now have the equivalent to a masters degree in fine art. I could even do a PhD if I wanted to.
My diploma exhibition dealt a lot with my traumatic history. I sometimes want to share some of the video works I made on this forum. But like soulofLC it would reveal my identity. So have to think about that one. I hadn't been diagnosed with PTSD yet. I always thought I had it, but never got checked and didn't think about it. I thought my symptoms were due to a depression. But I think I was dissociating more than I was in a depression.
One of my video's actually describes a dissociative state I was in once. It triggered me to show it to the public. But anyways, my professor said she was really proud of me. She is one of the most succesful video artists around. I was awarded to continue school, with an extra year. This year is not funded however. :(
Going to art school was one of the best things I have done in my life. I always wanted to give up, but I am really glad I finished it. I also am a singer and musician. Art is just what I live and breathe. It gave me life after all the bad things that happened. I love artists as people too. My friends are the best friends ever. A lot of my friends could keep a job. I could never. I always thought it was because I am so creative, but I know it is because of my PTSD. I can't stand stressful situations.
Because the student scholarship ran out after my diploma finished, I started going into crisis. That is how it all happened. First I applied for a PhD scholarship. I got a rejection 20 days later than expected. My roommate wanted to move out. I was having panic attacks every other day. I wanted to move in with my children. Ex refused this. The real-estate agent, was pressuring us to move out earlier. I ended up having to go homeless.
In order to go on unemployment benefit I would have to leave school. They wouldn't give it to me as a student, but I didn't want to give up this extra year I was doing. I was getting into debt, and I decided to move to Berlin so that I could continue find a job and continue with my creative work. I found a home, but didn't know how to pay for it! I had a job working for a disabled man and his mother. It was real stressful. He would yell so loud, I got triggered and told the mother I wasn't ready to take him on the underground. She fired me immediately.
So I kept on looking for work, but got so stressed my anxiety went up the roof. I couldn't stop shaking. I would wake up with my heart pounding. It was just a big crisis. I went to the crisis intervention center. I told them about my trauma, but they didn't think I had PTSD because I wasn't getting flashbacks. ( I have complex trauma and dissociate more than get flashbacks.) I didn't know anything, but I was dissociating really badly and having sever panic attacks all the time.
I had to exmatriculate from school, so I could go on unemployment. I actually had to call my school from the hospital. And the social worker had to talk to the secretary. How embarassing! All my friends are now asking, what happened? Why did you have to leave school? Now everybody practically knows I have PTSD. Most of my friends are real supportive.
I didn't get my PTSD diagnosed until after I got out of the hospital. The doctors in the hospital said I was just reacting depressively to my severe financial crisis. I was like...haven't I been this way for years? There is a reason why things are so difficult, and I have such a difficulty taking care of things... What is my diagnosis now... the suffering starving artist???
Now I know that my problems are that I have been dissociating so much and have PTSD. My doctor suspects that I also have dissociative disorder. So I am on unemployment benefit now and written off sick. If I am confirmed by a doctor to be sick for more than 6 months, I will go onto the German form of "Disability." I don't know... right now I am really stressed about the idea of going to work.
Sorry for the long vent. I don't hate the idea. It could be really helpful to get a daily activity and get out of the home. I am mostly scared of the stress level and having to deal with the people. :( I don't know what to do about my art anymore either. The diagnosis has changed everything. I agree what Daisygirl and Anthony say, that you have to rethink things after getting diagnosed. That is how I feel too. It's totally new beginning and I don't know who I am anymore.
