Are You Still Disgusted By The Idea Of Sex???

[deer_in_headlights]

I would be like SonicWhite's GF. (SonicWhite, my heart breaks for you - I'm so sorry...)

I understand the longing for intimacy.

Personally, without massive therapy around sexual/intimacy and trust issues at this point I would be completely numb and dissociated during, and most-likely suicide after, any sexual encounter - even with someone who loved me.

 

[Megflower]

I relate with the concept of numbing and dissociating during any sexual interaction.

Unfortunately the only sexual experiences I have managed without going into full flashback believing I was being reabused have been when I am under the influence of some sort of substance allowing me to switch off and pretend its not real. This is not healthy nor something I would ever recommend.

It's so hard when your past is always tapping you on the back and things that should come naturally don't and it stops you from being close to other people.

The only thing I can recommend as maybe at times helping was grounding myself through out the intimate contact. Yes this does kind of take away the spontaneity but it makes it somewhat easier to maintain a relationship. Apparently partners don't like unresponsive, frozen and crying during sex.....
Next mention to your therapist that you are worried about this issue, they are best placed right now to give you honest advice especially if you have a good open dialogue.
Good luck and don't give up hope. Especially don't close yourself of to the possibilities :-)

 

[Changing4Best]

Yes. I don't want to get involved with anyone, because I doubt that I'd be able to want to have intimacies.

 

[katz]

I doubt that I will ever like or even want sex. Because of multiple people, I was assaulted by lots of types of sexual abuse. It doesn't matter how or what I have tried with my husband - they all hurt and I even cry at the thought of anything sexual. I feel terrible about this and the guilt is such a weight to carry for me. I know that the blame should be on the "men" of the past, but, I can't help myself from taking all the blame now. Even just thinking of this brings tears of guilt to my eyes. :( I just keep telling myself that "I should be better by now" or you should be able to do "this". Everyone else does.

The anger at myself can keep me up for hours at night.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Everyone else does

Not everyone, you're not alone....

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I feel like I'm the other side of the coin. Or was at least I'm not hyper sexual anymore I don't think. My csa was manipulative and grooming and they were very gentle (for a start) and made sure I :oops: physically responded. I feel horrible about it and about it still makes me feel "physically responsive":bag: shall we say. Now I'm struggling with not wanting it anymore sex that is at least not as much as I used to. It's because of the guilt I feel for "wanting it" although I understand children can't want it I still feel so much shame and disgust about it. Ok I don't think I can really say anything more that I wanted to. That's enough for now. :sick:

 

[Beans]

I'm not disgusted by it, however i'm messed up around it. I want it often, but i'm very scared of being used. I've only seen sex as being used by men (due to my csa.) I also have seen many women being disparaged by men after sex, even being blackmailed. So i have a very distorted idea of the power dynamic. I feel used as soon as it's started/done.

I also have a tendency to conflate sex with love (again likely due to csa though i know some older more "traditional" or religious pple will say that's natural for women.) I always want to wait a long time in a relationship to have it b/c i know i'll "fall in love" with someone far too fast as soon as I sleep with them. I even start feeling "love" if i dare try to sext someone and create entire fantasy bonds that aren't really there. Plus the longer he waits the less likely he's just using me for sex.

Also, in the act, though i do enjoy what i feel, I am pretty numb out for the most part. Not dissociated, but not all there.

All that to say I don't have a healthy relat with sex lol.

 

[EveHarrington]

I like the IDEA of sex in a loving relationship.

Reality?

My brain freaks out, freaks out, and oh, did I mention FREAKS OUT? Let's just say when this happens, it's a major turn off for him.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

I am unfortunately plagued with memories and feelings tonight.. Usually I love sex and actually use it to gain control which is weird but, then it gets out of control and I resent it. I never have seen sex as an act of intimacy or love...I actually start feeling uncomfortable if the man asks me what I want and it makes me freak out and freeze a little bit...I'd rather be dominated, disassociate, do whatever the guy wants me to do even if its painful...ugh I just hate myself and feel so disgusting tonight... I just feel so disconnected from sex...I've had to be

 

[Sunshineturtle]

Well, I still am.

I've been in therapy for almost a year now but there are too many things that I ne...

Maybe examine why exactly you feel a loss over this and what steps you might be able to take toward filli...

I certainly am... many know my story.. ritualistic abuse, trafficking, DV.. If it could happen, it probably did. As a result, I have helpers who developed to assist me to cope so I could function as I disassociated through it all. It started at 3. Sec repulses me. It eventually will make the list in therapy to address but quite frankly, I have had enough for a lifetime.. i am married. He has to deal with that. It sounds harsh but there is so much more to the story that I'm just not ready to talk about yet... if he can't deal then he can leave. It's just where I am.