Are You Still There?

[Justmehere]

I’m going through some medical stuff right now and it’s been intense enough that I have had to cut back work hours to get through treatment. All will be fine in the end, but I have a ways to go before I finish treatment. I have significant trauma related to a family member who happened to be in the medical profession. I have worked hard with my trauma therapist to deal with doctors well, and it’s been paying off.


This week has been rough. I have been really foggy. It’s either dissociative or something medical, maybe both. It has surprised me and my therapist. She has hung in with me.


I have struggled with a lot of hopelessness this past week, and wondering if there was any point to going to therapy when I was so sick physically and so checked out emotionally. I wondered if I should take a break from therapy and my therapist encouraged me not to. I went in for my weekly appointment on Monday and I felt more safe than I have ever felt with her. It was a good thing I went!


I have to deal with some rough medical stuff later on today. I’m really tired and a little scared, and just don’t want anyone poking and prodding me, but I know I can get through my day just fine on my own.


But, I really want to call my therapist. I just want to know she is there.


She routinely encourages me to call, whenever I need to. She has assured me more than once that she will keep her own boundaries (I don’t need to do it for her, thank you very much). I still rarely ever call or text her outside of an appointment time. When I do call her, I usually state the intense matter that has come up that I am not sure how to cope with on my own, and I ask her to call if she thinks it is appropriate. When I have called her before, she has typically responded fairly quickly, and I’m routinely surprised. I never really expect a response, let alone a quick one. She explained she schedules time between sessions to call clients back, so it’s ok. I still never expect her to even respond at all, and she does. I really struggle to hold on to the idea of someone being there for me and still being there for me as time goes on. I haven’t told her this.

Today, I really want to call her and ask her to call or text me back just to remind me she is “there.” I feel really dumb and stupid and… well, childish about this. I don’t need anything from her. There’s no specific crisis. I’m just hurting and scared and I want to know she’s there and I’m having a hard time holding on to the idea she is still there.

Is it wrong for me to call and ask for a phone call or text message back to just remind me she is there? Is it abusive? Is it stupid? I could say that if she can't call or that is totally inappropriate to call and ask for, then that's ok. Then at least I know where the boundary is (and that I went over it...:() Somehow, this all feels so wrong. I don't know if it is wrong, or if that is the old trauma messages talking. I really don't need anything from her. I would be thrilled if she called and just said, "yeah, I'm still here," and didn't say anything else. This makes me feel like I am being a jerk. I have no reason to doubt her still being there for me.

Maybe I'm overthinking all of this.

Any feedback, harsh or not, is totally welcome.

 

[Echo]

@Justmehere - my therapist told me that uppermost in her mind is trying to ensure she is there for me in all the ways my mother isn't or wasn't. I think you do need something from her - very legitimately - you need right now to know she is there. I think it would be absolutely fine to write to her to tell her this. Maybe even copy what you've written here to her.

I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time with these medical procedures. Sending safe and healing hugs, if that's ok.

 

[franciemarnie]

No way are you a jerk or wrong. I sure hope you call. I think it's a sign of health. To feel a need for something, and to ask for it. It shows you value yourself.

All you are asking for is a call or text to say she's there. What a small thing to ask. But maybe - if your background is like mine - it feels huge and wrong. But it is so so right. It's our backgrounds that were so so wrong.

 

[TimeToHeal]

I think it feels strange and foreign to us to NEED something/someone AND to have them actually be there.

I posted a thread the other day about how I felt I needed my therapist, and got some really good responses. In many cases (mine included), our relationships with our therapists are the only safe, positive, constant ones in our lives. Probably also the only people we actually, dare I say, trust.

I don't think it is wrong or inappropriate at all for you to feel the need (and ask for) for reassurance that your therapist is, in fact, still there. I frequently email my therapist in between sessions and she has always been very gracious and supportive/reassuring in her responses.

I say send the text or email or pick up the phone. Especially if you've gotten good responses and felt better after contacting her in the past.

Good luck with this, as well as with your medical issues! Hang in there! :)

 

[Hope4Now]

I'll be thinking of you today, @Justmehere.
I have an awful time calling my therapist. So much of what you posted sounds like what goes on in my own head. I have terrible trouble believing that it is safe for me to ask for anything at all, or that someone might actually be there for me if I do ask for help.

Today, I really want to call her and ask her to call or text me back just to remind me she is “there.” I feel really dumb and stupid and… well, childish about this. I don’t need anything from her. There’s no specific crisis. I’m just hurting and scared and I want to know she’s there and I’m having a hard time holding on to the idea she is still there.

You don't need to be in a crisis to call your therapist. You just need to be in need. And you are. Call! (I suspect that most of our therapists would be happy for us to call them before we end up in crisis).

When I discussed this calling thing with my therapist, he said that an important part of being independent and caring for oneself is allowing oneself to request and accept others' support when in need. (He actually WANTS me to call him in between??!! That's hard to wrap my head around...seems so intrusive, etc. but your therapist sounds as if she has a similar approach).

I get the need to just know she is there. I often feel like I want to know that about my therapist. I actually have a photo of him on my laptop that I have to look at sometimes to remind myself that he is real, and there.

 

[Justmehere]

my therapist told me that uppermost in her mind is trying to ensure she is there for me in all the ways my mother isn't or wasn't.

My therapist seems to always be ready and wanting to show me she is listening, "because your mother never did." Thank you for the suggestion to write her what I have written here - I just might do that.

I think it feels strange and foreign to us to NEED something/someone AND to have them actually be there.

Incredibly strange!

I don't think it is wrong or inappropriate at all for you to feel the need (and ask for) for reassurance that your therapist is, in fact, still there.

Intellectually, I know this is true... but I wonder, if that's "all" I need, is it ok? But then again, it's not a small thing to need her to actually be there. Maybe it's ok to ask for reassurance for this very central thing.

But it is so so right. It's our backgrounds that were so so wrong.

It does feel so wrong, but I can see how that is more about the past experiences, not the actual need to have reassurance that someone is still there.

I'll be thinking of you today, @Justmehere.

Thanks :)

You don't need to be in a crisis to call your therapist. You just need to be in need. And you are. Call! (I suspect that most of our therapists would be happy for us to call them before we end up in crisis).

This made me smile. I think she just might be happy if I called before I got so far I'm completely undone.

(He actually WANTS me to call him in between??!! That's hard to wrap my head around...seems so intrusive, etc. but your therapist sounds as if she has a similar approach).

Exactly! and my therapist has said before, "I'm sure I will talk to you soon..." She knew I had something really hard on my plate, and seemed to expect I would reach out again. I didn't. But she sure seems open to it. She says it is even helpful for her to know what's going on so she can better help me. Sometimes I begin to wonder if she is a little nutty! I have told her this, and she says "it's ok..."

I have a photo from her website that I look at to remind myself she exists and is real, much like you. It so helps to know I'm not the only one who does that.


Thank you so much for the encouragement everyone. I've picked up the phone to call her twice now. Each time I try to dial her number or type her a text, my inner critic becomes strong and tells me I'm stupid and too needy. I get irritable. I am even irrationally concerned she will quit if I ask her to call me back. Um, yeah, my fear of abandonment and defense mechanisms are quite robust. :( I keep thinking, she is going to get this message and think, "oh no, justmehere is way too attached." She does do attachment work though so maybe it's ok... heck, she probably already knows.

ugh.

 

[Hope4Now]

Sometimes I begin to wonder if she is a little nutty! I have told her this, and she says "it's ok..."

Yup. My inner voice says something along the lines of, "Why would he want to talk to me outside of a session I'm paying for? Is he nuts?"

I've picked up the phone to call her twice now. Each time I try to dial her number or type her a text, my inner critic becomes strong and tells me I'm stupid and too needy.

Yup. The last time I went through this inner battle, I think I picked up the phone more than 20 times over the course of the day, and finally hit the call button around 8:30 PM.

I keep thinking, she is going to get this message and think, "oh no, justmehere is way too attached." She does do attachment work though so maybe it's ok...heck, she probably already knows.

Yup. I get this. I don't want him to think I'm dependent or attached. But then again, I know that I need to develop the ability to depend on someone in a healthy way. I totally get your "Ugh..."

 

[Echo]

@Justmehere - my over-riding feeling in life, the thing that governs just about everything I do, is that I don't want to be a nuisance.

My therapist recently told me she was about to go off on granny leave (her daughter was about to give birth and it wasn't clear, as these things aren't, as to whether it would be a natural birth or a caesarian, and thus for how long she would be absent). I was, of course, completely cool about it. She insisted that I should have her personal mobile number and that I could contact her between 9am and 9pm every day she was away. I could not believe that she would offer that and I immediately said I would never interrupt her granny time. She again insisted it was fine and that she felt bad about not being reliable for me. This is so foreign to me.

I went away for a week and did not contact her, despite having some of the darkest times of my life. When I got back, she told me she had done her grannying in that week and would not be missing any of my appointments again. She again apologised for not being consistently there for me. I find it stunning that she gives her clients (including me) such value in her life.

So, if your therapist is anything like mine, just you get on that phone or write that e-mail or text. She wants you to reach out, I'm sure, and will see it as you finally feeling ENTITLED to care, love and support. Isn't that what we are trying to heal?

 

[Justmehere]

@Hope4Now although I wish you did not struggle with this too, it help SO MUCH to know I am not alone in this. thank you

@Echo - oh thank you for sharing what happened with your therapist when she went on granny leave. You reminded me of something that happened recently with my therapist just a month ago. My therapist was going to go on vacation. It was a short one, just a week. Still, she let me know weeks in advance that she was going to be gone. I was a little baffled she was so careful with it. No one has cared how their vacation would affect me. She asked me, "how are you feeling about my going on vacation?"
I told her, "oh, um, I am ok with it."
"ok, well, I just wanted to be sure, and I will have my phone with me, you know, in case anything comes up. it's ok to call." There was long pause while I looked at her funny. The conflict I was having inside must have been apparent because she said, "maybe part of you feels like 'why would I call? I don't need that at all...' "
I replied, half joking, half serious, "yep. Part of me thinks, I don't need anyone. I'm good. Why would I need anyone? I'm fine. But part of me thinks..."
She finished my sentence, "oh crap, what am I going to do when you are gone?"
"um, yeah..."

She reassured me then that what I was feeling was normal. Her desire to be there for me and be reliable was totally bizarre for me. I just didn't even know how to respond. Like you, I didn't call when she was on vacation, even when I was totally falling apart.

But maybe I can call now... or at least text her!

 

[maryel42]

I know a bit of that wierd "want to reach out and touch" feeling. Just to know that the therapist is still there, even if that's all I need. And I feel as if I'm not wasting his time if I'm not in crisis.

Right now I email him. A lot. Every day, sometimes twice, with these long-ass things. As much as my posts ramble in fact. I told him straight out that I didn't need responses to them, I just needed to be able to send them. And in a small way it helps him to know where my head is at between appts.

Maybe it is helpful for you to view it this way?

 

[Justmehere]

Ok. I did it. I called. I left a message.
Cue massive I-have-needs-and-that-is-dangerous panic.
:nailbiting::eek::rolleyes:

 

[franciemarnie]

Yay!

(Yay that you called, and broke the internal "rules". Not that you have panic, which is natch - not that that makes it better - and I hope it fades soon.)