Army Wife, Spouse Has Cptsd And Tbi

[SerenaM]

I am an Army wife, been married almost ten years, and my husband has been in for 8. He's done several combat tours, but this last, most recent one has been different in so many ways. I struggle with how to deal with it, mostly because he refuses to seek out help. We have 4 kids, and more than anything, I worry about what affect all of this will have on them.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Hi Serena. Lemme pull out my greatest hits and advise to read "Once a Warrior, Always a Warrior", and "After The War Zone". It really helps the beginnings of trying to understand the ball of hell - which is what it is and will be, no sugarcoating it. But they are great learning tools incase you didn't know about them. Plus there are some ladies on here who are in your boat. I'm sure they'll pop in shortly!!

Till then, don't hesistate to write it all out. It really does help.

-AB

PS - Thank you for YOUR sacrafice for our country :)

 

[Navy Spouse]

Hi Serena, I am a Navy wife, I probably know what your going through as far as the combat PTSD goes. My husband came home from Afganistan July 1st and it was like only the shell of the man came back. I know how hard it is. We have two girls and I also worry about the affect on them. After being home one month my husband moved out because he said we shouldn't have to be around him when he feels the way he does. He does come see us and we spend time together but my heart is broken because we waited a year to be a family again. He still has the connection with the girls, it just breaks my heart that they love him so much and he's with them so little. The connection we had as a couple is far from what we had. We've been married 17 years. He left for deployment telling the girls I was his best friend and telling me he loved me more each day. He is seeing a counselor so I try to be hopeful that even though things will probably never be what they use to be he will feel well enough to come home.

My husband and I have read some good books in the last month that may also help you and your husband understand a little more. It helped me to know that the disconnect he was feeling with me was typical of someone with PTSD and was not something I had did. Its still all very confusing though. The book my husband liked best is "Once a warrior always a warrior". The book I thought was most helpful for spouses is "Courage after fire". The first book we read was "After the war zone". I liked it but thought "Courage after fire" was more helpful. I read it cover to cover. All the books express the importance of therapy and that it is not weak of someone to get help. I was able to borrow these books from our library.

I'm glad you found this site. Keep posting. I come here when I'm feeling low and it usually helps. Especially if you feel some one else gets it and you're not alone. I look forward to writing you again. Take care of yourself. Kids are amazingly resilient, especially military children and we just have to keep telling ourselves that they'll be OK. If we can hold it together for the most part and keep things as stable as possible like we did when dad was away, they'll be OK.(Sending hugs to you)

 

[IvyMillie]

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. I hope that reading the books the others recommended will help you. My husband was in the Vietnam War which was a long time ago. All I can say is that I sure hope that your husband will be open to getting help. The VW veterans really didn't get help and I think it really hurt them in the long run. The sooner the better.

The problem is how to get them to be open to getting help. That's a challenge and nagging never helps. Begging and pleading don't seem to work either. I just hope that something will trigger your husband to get help.

As far as the children go, I know with my husband I don't think the kids were that adversely affected. They are all grown now and have a really good relationship with their dad. I know they were raised dysfunctional, but I think love goes a long way to help as far as kids are concerned. I'm the step-mom and didn't come into the picture until they were in their late teens.

Another encouraging note on that is that my husbands relationship has gotten even better as he has gotten older. They are about now in the role reversal stage, where the dad begins to take a back seat and let the kids take the lead. He is very loving toward his kids and patient. So I don't think the kids were affected in a super bad way.

With us I think his PTSD affects me more than the kids. However, every situation is different. My husband also had boys and I'm not sure if a girl would have been more sensitive to it.

I'm glad you are on this forum--it has helped me so much. Take care and hoping the best for you.

 

[Froggie]

Welcome to the forum Serena. I'm happy that you already got so much support and advice from fellow members. If your husband changes his mind, I so hope so for him and for you, he could come to the sister forum : [DLMURL]http://combat.ptsdforum.org/[/DLMURL]

There are many couples here on the forum, and who knows. One thing tho, please take care of yourself during all this, you have to think of yourself in order to keep some equilibrium in your life. Best of luck to you.

 

[wife of]

Hi there,I'm an ex-army missus. Hubby "handled" his ptsd for 15 years before going completely interstellar...keep trying to get him some help hunny.You may have to use "stealth approaches" such as leaving leaflets around or maybe popping the combat ptsd forum up on the computer screen and leaving it running where it might grab his curiosity...

 

[SerenaM]

Thank you all for responding and being so welcoming! I am really looking forward to having an outlet and being able to get feedback from people who understand what I am going through.

 

[SerenaM]

Hi Serena. Lemme pull out my greatest hits and advise to read "Once a Warrior, Always a Warrior", and "After The War Zone". It really helps the beginnings of trying to understand the ball of hell - which is what it is and will be, no sugarcoating it. But they are great learning tools incase you didn't know about them. Plus there are some ladies on here who are in your boat. I'm sure they'll pop in shortly!!

Till then, don't hesistate to write it all out. It really does help.

-AB

PS - Thank you for YOUR sacrafice for our country :)

I've read "After the War Zone". There were a couple of chapters that specifically spoke to my situation, but I couldn't get my husband to read it. Am planning on ordering "Once a Warrior..." next pay-day.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Serena -

There's that "Battlemind" info out there too, has he seen that, or have you? I found them to be pretty good. They are short and to the point pamphlets for understanding situations and applying them to home life - for both the spouse and soldier. He might read them instead of being "overwhelmed" by a book.

 

[LoyalOne]

(...) nagging never helps. Begging and pleading don't seem to work either. I just hope that something will trigger your husband to get help.

Nagging anyone about anything usually = an immediate 'if you are going to be an unstoppable force, I am going to be an immovable object' effect, as far as I have seen. Definitely not a winner. Agreed.

What I found worked with respect to getting my sufferer into therapy (for a little bit at least), was working on his fear that his mind was not a legitimate thing to be 'broken,' and that he should just suck it up and deal.

I asked him very reasonably; if his rifle were jammed or his truck not starting, or his vest faulty, or his radio broken, he would fix it, right? And if it were something beyond his ability to fix, he would give it to someone who could fix it for him, right? Would he go into combat with broken equipment? No? His mind is his most complicated and necessary piece of equipment; if it is not operating correctly, it needs to be fixed to the best of its capability. It can get broken in combat, the same as everything else. And anyone who thinks he is weak for fixing a broken radio or truck is clearly crazy, right? So anyone who gets on his case for wanting to tune up his head can go and (redacted).

Your mileage may vary, of course, but sometimes it helps to take a different tack.

Good luck, lady. I hope he manages to let himself realize it's better for you guys if he gets some help.

 

[BellaCat987]

I love Loyal's jammed gun analogy. We had to say something similar to my son, who has TBI and PTSD.

I know money was an issue for us, and the treatment John (my son) wanted wasn't covered by the VA. I don't know what you're interested in, but John saw a ton of improvement from Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy. I completely recommend it, but if money is an issue, there are a lot of organizations that'll help you financially if you're a veteran. We used Healing Heroes Network, but I'm sure there are others that'll help, too.