Arousal and shame

[Ipav]

I never felt ashamed about it I always liked it. That's not really what I mean though I mean I was ashamed of it but not with myself. I don't feel bad after. It was all hidden away and I just couldn't be that except in private. It's all so private. I see myself as the opposite sex when I'm doing it. I was always doing it my whole life when I was actually having sex and I didn't realize it. Meaning I was two people. That means I had a lot of disassociation around it. The therapist fixed me up though. I remember when I was telling her the stuff that I thought you know was so horrible and she wasn't surprised at all. When I saw that and I realized it was because she was an expert in trauma and childhood sexual abuse I eventually felt better. But I couldn't deal with life because of it that was the real problem. I just couldn't deal with other people and I didn't fit in anywhere. When I finally saw the "girls with penis" videos I understood. I would never do that to him though. I understand why they do that. So now I just have to say the way I am which is a girl and boy at the same time. It's not all bad.

 

[Usife]

Not a stupid question at all. And how to do it depends on the person and is best figured out with a therapist, especially for something with strong emotions and images and trauma attached like this.

Here's just an example of changing associations with a benign activity. I used to always feel like eating while watching t.v. cause that is what always happened in the past. Even if I just ate, as soon as I sat down to watch something I felt like snacking. So, for several weeks instead of eating when that happened, I would get up off the couch onto my exercise bike. Now, when I sit down to watch a show I feel like exercising rather than eating.

 

[Gikon]

I have the same thing happen too. I plan to talk about this in therapy. I actually approached another T with this and the person sidestepped my desires to address it. Which I thought was odd for a T. Sometimes I get flashbacks and intrusive thoughts about what happened to me during masturbation. Very disturbing to me. I also have to, I am driven to, read stories about the exact thing I saw or what happened to me.

One T I had in the beginning of my healing told me that it was normal and it won't go away until I discovered the reason behind doing it. In other words, what the intrusive thoughts and flashbacks entail. I didn't have any idea back then. I do now. And that's why I want to address it with my T.

 

[Obavu]

Oh my god this thread makes me feel so much less alone. This is something that has been eating away at me so intensely and my T asked me last week if it was something I'd ever had an issue with before. I thought I was going to throw up/die of shame. It's way too overwhelming to talk about still but at least it's out there and I'll get to a point where I can talk about it eventually.

It sucks that there are obviously a lot of us who feel this way, but also nice to have it feel slightly less isolating.

 

[Rihug]

I typically email a dear friend of mine. I summarize the session and my emotions and thoughts regarding it. This helps me to settle it in my mind so that it's not a big churned up mess, and helps me to "file things away" until the next week. I also write in my journal. I recently found that I actually process things better if I take my mind OFF the appointment after a bit, so I've changed my appointments to morning slots, and I teach martial arts a few hours afterward. Teaching and working out are my best grounding tools, and they give me the most satisfaction out of anything I do. I used to come home and lay in my bed and think about the appointments, but that seemed to just make the exhaustion worse.

I think that what works is so different for each person, and what works for each person changes over time. This is a fascinating post - thanks for bringing this up.

 

[Fikudor]

I have been following this thread and thank you for posting.
This happens for me and is quiet disturbing. For me I was groomed and molested by and Alateen sponsor when I was 16-18. Memories have just started coming back as my abuser reached out to me 22 year later and I was flooded with memories.
My strongest support is my best friend. She has a niece that lives a few doors down I have known since she was 3, she is now 17. Recently when I am arounds her I stare at her body, i experience arousal. I absolutely hate it. I feel sick.
I have started talking about with my t. She asks me if I am attracted to her, I am not. She says this is normal and that my brain is trying to figure out if what happen to me was okay and my body is responding to what happen. She says I am not a bad person. I think she could say it a 100 times but believing it is the harder part for me.

 

[Tugona]

I recently read the book "Push" by Sapphire. The main character, Precious, describes unwillingness to discuss her abuse in therapy one particular day because it "makes her clit throb". When I read that it was the biggest relief. It happens to everyone. It's horrible but it's normal. I've tiptoed around this conversation with my therapist. It has gotten better since I decided to be less ashamed. Reading that book was healing for me even though it was also triggering.

 

[Izag]

I have done this before as well. Sometimes I have tried to get off and am about to orgasm and then have one of my abuser pop into my head and I scream then cry. I can't even enjoy it. Makes me so angry. Now I am to the point if I get aroused I am too scared to do anything. It's like I am trapped.

 

[Utiju]

This is a problem for me too. Once I realized that my dad actually sexually abused me, that it was a crime what he did, I couldn't have sex with my partner or masturbate anymore because my fantasies that helped me orgasm were about child molesting type situations/dynamics. Also I fantasized about people I knew in my life who were nice to me, which was also a big problem because it affected my real life interactions with them. My only "safe" fantasy is to imagine I am the opposite gender (and homosexual when in real life I identify with heterosexual).

Anyway, the thought of changing or ignoring my fantasies brought me so much grief because I considered myself "sexually free and strong and powerful" prior to realizing the abuse! However, I am disgusted by those fantasies so I just couldn't allow them.

It has been almost eight weeks since I stopped having sex with my partner and since I recognized the abuse. I have masturbated four times, once yesterday. One thing I read is that if you feel like you need the fantasy is to use it in the beginning but then switch to focusing on yourself or to a safe fantasy when you orgasm.

 

[Detoz]

Just going to say, thank you for starting this thread.

This has made me feel so much less alone. I've been dealing with this since I was young and it always confused me and disgusted me.

I am wondering if it's because we were sexualized so young... Idk.

 

[Dikuv]

I ended up becoming very promiscuous in my mid to late teens and again when I left a long term abusive relationship, in my 30's, and the shame is terrible.
I also would sometime initiate sexual encounters as a child (only touching), with other children, again the sense of shame is terrible and i have never spoken to a T about this.
I have touched on it with my partner though, he knows plenty and knew me with the later-in -life-promiscuity. How does one get over the shame?

 

[Detoz]

I ended up becoming very promiscuous in my mid to late teens and again when I left a long term abusive relationship, in...

Just to let you know, it's actually pretty normal for some children (especially those traumatized) to engage in sexual stuff with other children. It was only what you know, and the only way you knew how to react to what happened (I did similar, except with physical violence) It doesn't make it right, but it does let us know that we were only trying to survive the best we could.

Promiscuity was a problem for me too, very shameful. I have yet to talk to a T about it as well. It's easier telling a partner (mine knows as well) Explaining that I am aroused by the abuse/abusive memories is so hard. So much shame.