As I Child I Longed To Be An Adult

[shimmerz]

“Many abused children cling to the hope that growing up will bring escape and freedom".
Judith Herman

I was looking for another quote and this one hit me. I forgot entirely about this but it was a need so intense that I longed for it each and every day. It may have been why I was so high achieving as a child. I left home to be an adult well before I was properly prepared. I just wondered if anyone else had experienced this?

And then I read this....

But the personality formed in the environment of coercive control is not well adapted to adult life. The survivor is left with fundamental problems in basic trust, autonomy, and initiative. She approaches the task of early adulthood――establishing independence and intimacy――burdened by major impairments in self-care, in cognition and in memory, in identity, and in the capacity to form stable relationships.

She is still a prisoner of her childhood; attempting to create a new life, she reencounters the trauma.”
― Judith Lewis Herman, [DLMURL="http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/530025"]Trauma and Recovery[/DLMURL]

Yes. Just Yes.

 

[Rumors]

Yep...pretty much a ditto here.

 

[KwanYingirl]

So true. Thanks for sharing this.

 

[Glara]

Yes, sounds like my survivor. He's very smart, an engineer. Has a beautiful home in a great neighborhood, in a wealthy town. He has numerous adult "toys" that are all paid off. He's traveled the world. But he suffers from childhood trauma, feels unsafe in relationships, and is suicidal. He's being hospitalized today...

 

[Seasounds]

Yes, my story, too. Reading Judith Herman's words are always helpful. Thanks!

 

[J_trustno1]

I can relate too @shimmerz. I always hoped to be an adult when I was a child thinking things will be better when I grow up to be an adult. I hoped for love, respect, care and most importantly my freedom of speech. However, none of that came true. This entire journey of abusive childhood brought up with loss of self-identity. I didn't know who I was for the 26 years of my life. I am now slowly starting to understand who I really am. As a child I tried being an adult my mother should've been. I tried standing up for others when they were treated like shit just to show that I cared but no one ever done that for me. I wish I was brave enough to leave home then.... I probably would've been someone else. I don't know.. .

 

[shimmerz]

I wish I was brave enough to leave home then.... I probably would've been someone else. I don't know.. .

I don't know your situation @J_trustno1 , but am assuming your abuse went way back. I think by then the damage has already been done. I hear shame in this....I wish you would challenge that. :hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Gives me some thought onto myself. I strove exactly for freedom, every wish I say has freedom as a requirement! Thats all I want. But yet, I don't have it, I am afraid of trying to achieve it for the fear of failing. I see what kind of problems I will have later in life... Yet, I just stay in this sorry state.

Thank you for putting this out here, it hold a lot of meaning and stimulates thought on the topic, for it's meaning.

 

[Eleanor]

My H and I were both out of our houses at 15. My best friend here too. Spot on.

@otakujome , I think (hope!) the awareness of these dynamics this early for you will make a HUGE difference in your life provided you figure out how you can best act on them for yourself. What I can tell you is you CAN heal and establish independence, intimacy and stable relationships, and the KEY to it is (or at least the key to it has been for me and my H) to address the emotional neglect and its consequences with as much focus as the trauma. It is not just what happened, it is what didn't happen. That took me 40 odd years to figure out. Start small. Self care (like coming here) little stuff - caring about brushing your teeth and what your room looks and more importantly FEELS like (for you.) You are already on this path.

Remember there is nothing wrong with failing. PROVIDED you learn from it, get back up and try again in a different way. This is what makes perfectionism so damned imperfect - it stifles improvement by making us shear off of our failures, and for making us less and less willing to risk. It keeps us stuck if indulged.

"Do it anyway" was my mantra for YEARS.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Yep, same here. But now I've left home and have lived independently for a while, I've realised just how unprepared and unurtured I am.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

I may be waxing a little poetic, here, but I think there is something precious about the HOPE a child can construct for him or herself in the midst of completely awful, hurtful circumstances. If we could bottle that, so even in the midst of the realities of life and growing into adulthood where we realize we CAN'T control the outcomes (still struggling to learn this one myself), we could grow into a HEALTHY hope, still looking forward to some GOOD thing/place/relationship, etc. We must HOPE to LIVE ..

One of the reasons forums like this are SO valuable, because we can come alongside each other and from different places in the journey, point here or there and say "It CAN get better, it WILL get better, I was where you are and did these things and this worked, or this didn't work, and there IS a happy, healthy, WHOLE life we keep running after ..."

~S2B

 

[Eleanor]

AND for all who are in their teens and twenties, you have the opportunity to significantly reshape/heal your brains' development. Your experiences and reflection now MATTER profoundly. As much as you can, seek out the company of people who HAVE good emotional skills. ACT like them, even if you don't feel like them yet... It matters and it works.