As I Child I Longed To Be An Adult

[ladylothian]

This is so eye-opening. I suppressed my childhood rape and assault for 40 years. Only now am I able to see the effects it had on my entire life. I always longed to be a grown up (youngest of 5 by many years) and I've always been a perfectionist. I went straight from the perfect student and daughter to the perfect mother and wife. Now that my children are grown and my 23-year marriage has dissolved, I have completely lost any identity. Now, thanks to this thread, I know why. My challenge is to "find me." I pray it's not too late.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

Dear @ladylothian .. it is NEVER too late! .. :hug:

 

[ladylothian]

@ptsdspouse2b, I hope you are right. I'm in a very difficult point in my life - probably the worse ever - and I have contemplated suicide more times than I can count. I had absolutely no idea where my major depression and panic attacks originated from. Now I know it was my rape by my oldest brother. Our mother was the only person who knew and she chose her Golden Boy in medical school over that hurt and frightened little girl. She died before I stumbled onto the memory of the trauma. I have always felt responsible for everything, and I need to learn to let go. I should probably get back into therapy when I can afford it.

 

[Eleanor]

If you can't manage therapy, find a survivor's support group at least. It is a long road, and it is nice to have company in the 3D world as well as here.

 

[ladylothian]

Thank you. Is there an online group you suggest? Or, have I already found it?

 

[Eleanor]

This is one online group. I was recommending as well you see if there was a local 3D group as well.

 

[ladylothian]

3D? Do you mean an actual group?

 

[Eleanor]

Yup. Actual live human beings in person.

 

[GWhizz]

Thank you for this thread @shimmerz . I am always telling my T how I feel trapped in my present by my past. So this really resonates with me, and I'm sure so many others.

 

[shimmerz]

I am so happy for that @GWhizz. Thanks for the boost. It warms my heart. I need that today. :hug::hug:

 

[GWhizz]

And you too @shimmerz - mind yourself

 

[ladylothian]

I have learned so much about why I feel "broken." Will I ever feel "fixed?"