As I Child I Longed To Be An Adult

[shimmerz]

Agreed @Eleanor. This book was written 'back in the day' when people really didn't understand the effects of trauma. Judith Herman was a real trailblazer, imho. This has me to feel that there is a more hopeful outcome for young adults and teens in these times, so I wouldn't take it to heart those of you who fall into this category. There are so many more resources these days. Including this forum.

 

[Ice_Fire]

That gives me hope, thank you

 

[joeylittle]

I wonder if this isn't just one of those things that it is impossible to understand when you are young. Looking back at my childhood diaries, I am always struck by how my entire scope of knowledge was broad, and let utterly limited by my lack of experience. I knew what I knew because I was able to observe it in the world - either seeing it "live", or seeing/reading things in stories, or being taught by convincing authority figures.

Among all those groups I know, for example, that I never encountered the concept of "depression" as an illness. I was sad all the time. But I don't think I knew there was a term for it until I was past the age of eleven.

Not knowing there could be such a thing, and not knowing how to talk about such a thing, all a child can be left with is believing that their experience of their pain is utterly unique to them; and if it's bad, it's probably the worst thing they have ever known.

When you are disabled by any number of things as a child - neglect, abuse, severe illness - I bet you are less likely to even know how to accept that there is a "better" to be found. Even when you are given examples of "better", they are not like you, and so don't represent what you believe in for yourself.

It's provocative to talk about the hope that a child can construct, @ptsdspouse2b, but I question whether it is actually hope vs. wish-fulfillment, which is a very different thing. I desperately wanted to be rescued. I believed there was a horse living in the woods behind my house that would rescue me. And I knew that also wasn't possible. I would not call this hope, I would call it survival through escape/distraction.

Children learn what they see, hear, feel. If they are not exposed to any reliable source that demonstrates hope or faith being real, I don't know that they can actually access it.

AND for all who are in their teens and twenties, you have the opportunity to significantly reshape/heal your brains' development. Your experiences and reflection now MATTER profoundly.

Now this is just flat-out true, science-based true, and as soon as a child/young person reaches the age where they accept scientific fact, they can accept this. Education matters.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I know in my case it was DEFINITELY hope. I had no thoughts of rescue, I had no thoughts of magical things coming to rescue me. My plan was always to just get through it all because tomorrow MUST be better than today. Unfortunately, when I turned 18, the switch wasn't overnight. In fact, it took me until my late 20's to even start moving from living in the future to living in the present. Looking back I know realize that I never lived in the present. PTSD kept my mind in the past because of the trauma, and my willingness to fight kept my mind in the future. It was a BIG struggle to get to the point of living in the present moment (which is what every trauma therapist tries to get us to do, right?)

l think that's part of the reason why I hate it when everyone else tries to get me to live in the future. NO, I want to live for today! Ok, so I am a HUGE planner and such, but at the same time, I do prefer to live in the present moment. Please stop trying to plan my future!

But YES, that hope is what kept me alive. If I didn't have it, I don't think I'd be alive right now.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

@joeylittle .. Ya, there is a big difference between "hope" and "wishing" .. I mean (at a minimum) hope of escape, hope of a future, hope of being (becoming) healthy and whole, hope of being happy, hope of finding answers, etc. Escaping through fantasy is another coping mechanism .. oh dear, yes, that can cause other complications .. On the other hand, I also believe God made us ABLE to survive even by building in the "dissociating" capability of the mind .. I have come to see even dissociation as a blessing (challenging, yes, a broken condition that may even need some help/cure such as if one of the alters is also an internal abuser .. but dissociating *itself* is not a curse) ... for example, I am THANKFUL for "alters" because they are manifestations of the whole person .. my man and I talk about them as "moods" because they are so closely attached to specific emotional states and memories, and they are NORMAL to every human experience even if they aren't *experienced internally* the same way .. (forgive my sloppy descriptions - trying to express this is still a new adventure in words for me) ..

Hope of a RESCUE isn't necessarily wishful thinking .. but it is a much harder thing to cling to cuz we can't "make" it happen .. unless there is a way to send some kind of message in a bottle .. if you add into the mix a kind of "dream" about how that rescue might come, what form it might take, that's still a way to cling to HOPE, I think ...

I think you're right, too, that it's nigh unto impossible to conceive of a "better" if you've never seen/heard of it ... Though I also think there are things that can "break through" to us, especially if we're looking for light in the darkness. I think a child recognizes KINDNESS if it is glimpsed, even if only from a distance or for a very brief moment. That could spark a longing for the "better" even if it's otherwise unknown ..

(BTW, I've been told I can tend to come off as "preachy" but I don't mean to -- mostly I'm just trying to nail down "the bigger picture" so that I can stand firmly on right PRINCIPLES and then the particulars kinda take care of themselves. And in the process of this "nailing down" I really want to speak LIFE to people, myself included. :) Pls receive my comments as a desire for answers!)

~S2B

 

[joeylittle]

I know in my case it was DEFINITELY hope. I had no thoughts of rescue, I had no thoughts of magical things coming to rescue me. My plan was always to just get through it all because tomorrow MUST be better than today.

That is so encouraging to read. Thank you, seriously. It's interesting what you are saying, too, about the way living in the present became the most compromised thing for you. I identify with that, only I didn't do future or past, I did imaginary. Still can't do future, but am getting OK with past and working very hard on present.

 

[Seasounds]

Hope was the idea that I would someday be able to create happiness. As Judith Herman mentioned, unfortunately, adulthood compounded the trauma, and diminished my hope; when I would initiate, I triggered old traumas, and without relational skills (boundary setting, having a voice, resilient self-esteem, etc) the past was re-created.

I find Judith Herman's writing so helpful, like good therapy; it is empathetic and validating. This frees me to continue to explore hope and health, creatively developing relational skills, moving towards initiating, and moving through the the traumas that get triggered; creating a new neurology, to lean into, when triggered.

Thanks so much for the thread! I needed it. I'm currently in greater depression, and it is helping me bridge into action.

 

[sun seeker]

Yes, in a slightly different way. I wasn't a super high achiever, probably because I was seriously depressed during my teenage years and the two don't mix very well! I lived in a dream world. Still do a lot of the time. But the part about longing to get away from home but not having the tools to do a good job of it... yes, that was me. A friend calls this pseudo-independence. It's when we long for the trappings of adult life but without the building blocks for real maturity.

For me, it manifested first as throwing myself into volunteer work, which people saw as selfless and generous but really was a way to justify my presence on this planet, and then, leaving home at 17 and getting myself into bad situations one after another. Boarding with a family that I ran away from when they beat their teenage daughter, then moving in with another friend where there turned out to be an alcohol problem, then a brief more stable time before hooking up with my future partner, who was abusive. Because I didn't know who I was or what I wanted, didn't know how to choose my friends, didn't know how to say no, and was desperate for anyone who said they loved me and didn't know how to tell when they were lying. I gave up my plans for university to be with this guy. Just a mess. I looked independent at the time but it was an illusion.

 

[sun seeker]

Yet, I just stay in this sorry state.

Please be easier on yourself @otakujome. At the moment there isn't much else you can do so there's no use blaming yourself for a situation you have little control over. What you can do is learn about yourself, learn the skills that will help you do well when you get out of this mess... and you are well on your way to doing that. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you have way more insight than I had at 14 and I'll bet a lot of us would say the same.

:hug::hug:

 

[Hope4Now]

Yes. Just Yes.

Yup. uh huh. Mmmm. Yes. Nod. Sigh.

Thanks for sharing this. I think I've read it before, but so often I need to see things again and again. And again. Holes in my brain or just different parts, who knows. But thanks.

I wish I was brave enough to leave home then.... I probably would've been someone else. I don't know.. .

Me too. This is one of the big things I need to work on forgiving myself for...my lack of courage and independence. That and for not being good enough to fix what was happening. Or to fill the gaping holes left by what wasn't happening.

 

[Deleted member 28986]

What an incredible thread. Thumbs up.

My 2¢:

When I was 11 and younger, my hope for salvation was that my parents would divorce. I remember the first time I asked my mom if she would please divorce my devil-incarnate sperm-donor "dad." I was 3 or 4 years old. Of course I did not use those words, LOL. She denied my request, telling me that he loved me (which was a huge lie). No love emanated from that horrible excuse for a human being. And my mom enabled him. And she was quite abusive herself, just in a different way.

About when I was 12, my hope for being "saved" became some significant other rescuing me and taking me away from my horrible house. This mindset led to some unhealthy relationships later in life.

At 16 I emancipated. I was so glad and I thought my problems were over. Boy was I wrong. A decade later my symptoms flare up and I get this damn PTSD diagnosis. I know the worst part is behind me, but sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

That Judith Herman quote about reencountering trauma is so true. It's so unfair.

 

[Tinyflame]

I knew what I knew because I was able to observe it in the world - either seeing it "live", or seeing/reading things in stories, or being taught by convincing authority figures.

..Not knowing there could be such a thing, and not knowing how to talk about such a thing, all a child can be left with is believing that their experience of their pain is utterly unique to them; and if it's bad, it's probably the worst thing they have ever known.

When you are disabled by any number of things as a child - neglect, abuse, severe illness - I bet you are less likely to even know how to accept that there is a "better" to be found. Even when you are given examples of "better", they are not like you, and so don't represent what you believe in for yourself.

I totally agree with this. Though I would have called myself a 'happy' child I experienced profound worry & sadness I neither knew how to express or share, nor did it seem my right to cause more worry to share it (have needs). This was something I came to the conclusion myself, from what I saw & experienced & believed.

I do not think there was 'hope' because that would infer there was expectation of some way it could be better or change.
I did have times of 'hope' in crises, but they were to overcome the moment, never a long-term sense of hope.

I was an over achiever more to stay off the radar. I never had (after the ptsd started) an expectation that things would ever be normal or I would have happiness.

Mostly I was always independent. I find it extraordinarily difficult to be or feel dependent without shame, guilt, fear of harm to the other (trauma related), & a profound sense of unworthiness or feelings it's just bad for the other person, & a waste of time & resources. That is a big improvement over feeling unbearably toxic however.