As I Child I Longed To Be An Adult

[Tinyflame]

Hey, this is really cool! I just realized I don't have to find 'lost' hope, I have to learn for the first time what it is! :) :tup: (No wonder I couldn't find it. :wideeyed: :) )

Hugs for all, xox.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

I just realized I don't have to find 'lost' hope, I have to learn for the first time what it is! :) :tup:

@Junebug .. *w00t!!* Yes yes and yes!

 

[Tinyflame]

I am very poor with words, but it is strange, not sure if anyone is familiar or can recall it but there is a scene at the end in an old movie called the English Patient, it is exactly how I felt most of my life, child & adult. The woman at the end is injured & trying to write a letter in a cave in the dark with a flashlight, & the flashlight dies & out comes a sigh of sorts. For 20 years I've tried to describe what her/ that kind of sound reflects, because any time I see the movie I 'get it' & relate instantly. After this thread I would say 'open' (but not hopeful, just open to what's coming) resignation. Not self pity, not anger, not cynicism, not even necessarily acceptance, but no hope either.

I think I did not view adulthood as being an escape because I felt like (thought I was) an adult already.

 

[shimmerz]

I think I did not view adulthood as being an escape because I felt like (thought I was) an adult already.

Interesting twist! I can totally see how that would be though.

 

[Eleanor]

In a funny (or not so funny) way I think this forum is an awesome resource for young people. I suppose I was depressed as a kid too, and a lot after I left home. I had the word, but not the category. I wish I had known other people experienced the world like I did. I wish I'd know "being on my own," as a kid was a "thing." I wish I'd known that was, not even not normal, just not necessary. That it could be another way.

I am still learning (day to day) how absent my parenting was. "OH, damn, I have to DO something about this!" I think about my daughters... and I have no idea what to do.

My transition to nominal adulthood was seamless - meaning I never noticed a difference. And I so so so sucked at it for a Loooooong time. I think I'd have had a steeper learning curve if I'd known how ill prepared I was, and had some kind of map about what I was missing...

 

[Tinyflame]

@Eleanor, yes, I too can only notice things missing when I question "What am I supposed to do now?"

You know, I was thinking it's kind of obvious (or was no wonder) why any of us felt sad or hopeless, especially even to this day thinking we must come up with the solutions & often being out of ideas, experience, modeling or resources. That it's all up to us on our lonesome. And how discouraging too when others' actions or reactions were never within our control.

I think for those who had hope it helped get you 'here' & to this day, & one way or another that is a great thing.

Thank you @shimmerz for this thread. :hug:

 

[theotherside]

I left home as a teen and became a mom to escape. It worked for a while. Then in my 30s another major trauma, followed by more a few years later and then my life stopped and ive been stuck in "hell whole" ever since...(my life since ptsd) im trying to get better..the first 2 years of symptoms i had no idea what was wrong with me. Finally went for help and got diagnosed.
When i was little i always imagined running away. I would even map out where to go. So sad

 

[Nam]

I wanted my parents to take me back to the orphanage. My heart hurts when I think about this memory. I told my dad this. He told me that that was ridiculous. Why would you want to do that? And I couldn't answer. I was just so sad and defeated and I felt like there was more hope there. Then I felt shame for wanting to leave and yet couldn't say why.

 

[NovemberStar]

“Many abused children cling to the hope that growing up will bring escape and freedom".
Judith Herman
.

I can't say I grew up thinking that - I saw no escape or hope. So all i wanted was to die, to stop suffering and get away form the pain.

 

[Nyssa]

I so agree with J. Herman here...

I starting counting years to go when I turned 3 years old.

I stopped counting when I was around 15 or 16. I had found another escape : delusion.

I came back to my original escape plan at 25. That's when I realized how ill-adapted I was to that free adult life I was longing as a child.

Depressing

 

[Numbalina]

I remember being so hungry for my freedom of adulthood. I got pregnant at 14, and instead of adopting her out, I kept her. I just wanted to have someone really love me and depend on me and to parent her properly, not like my dad did me. Sadly because of my dad and others, she doesn't feel my love and I haven't been able to give her what she deserves from me because of this PTSD.

 

[Tinyflame]

I wanted to stay where my 'people' were, some of which would have noticed I left (as a small child), some of which didn't. Some could give love or care, some of which didn't.

I was fortunate because not until later e most of anything directly physically or sexually 'abusive' (towards myself) came from non family members. So I don't feel entitled to respond to this thread really.

But my hugs to all.