As I Get Stronger, I Find Myself Alone More

[Anna]

I have become very very strong the past few months. Am doing well, even managed to cut the alcohol down. Just a beer every evening and spirits only at the weekend.

I have found though, a lot of old friends have become distant, no idea if it is my behaviour or that we have just grown apart. I find them annoying as they moan about stupid little things which I deem to be peripheral. Maybe they noticed I was annoyed? No idea.

I have started to attract other people instead. People who are more like me. Who are less ego centric and self centered.

I just find people so shallow and I prefer being alone. I mean who cares about their shoe collection? or that they were unable to pay tuition fees for their adult children who could honestly get a job and pay for it themselves? FFS.

Does anyone else find that people are annoying and prefer spending time alone? or with other kindred spirits?

 

[TLight]

Yes, people generally annoy me too. I can't feel things the way they feel them, I can't comprehend their struggles, perhaps because I have so many of my own.
All in all, people have hurt me tons, so my boundaries are really distinct and they sense that, "don't come near'.
Fine with me.

 

[Loner]

I've spent my whole life judging myself as unlovable and unworthy of love. I have now come to love and value myself as a wonderful person, but as I start to look at others more objectively it makes me realize how shitty most people are and how they just are not worth the trouble of having them in your life. I'd like romance and real friends but I'm not sure it is worth the price that people make you pay. It still feels like defeat though, and I don't like that, but I'm tired of beating my head against a wall. Maybe there is something about the way I talk to people that doesnt attract the kind of people that will value me, I don't know, but I'm running out of give a shit.

 

[Anna]

, but as I start to look at others more objectively it makes me realize how shitty most people are and how they just are not worth the trouble of having them in your life.

I couldn't agree with you more. I get the impression the nice people are the ones who get hurt, and they are far and few between. The people who are cruel and egocentric fly high in life. It seems to be that way.

 

[JustBe]

Some good people do well, but I think it's more difficult for them because of all the muck they have to wade through.

 

[TLight]

Just had that experience, the cruel and ruthless ones do seem to fly high. But I have to ask myself, what price they pay.
I want to believe in God and justice. I have to believe in something. Hope there is judgement for these people.

I just went through a trainer who has totally convinced me I'm not even worthy of riding my horse. Instead of helping, I got attitude and disgust from her when I couldn't do the million things at once she was telling me to do. Instead of patience and kindness and adjusting her teaching style, she berated me with disgust and shame. I did get rid of her, but the experience set me back once again in my self esteem and my efforts to even try anymore. Been in a hole for days.
On some level, when you have PTSD from abuse, the bullies always seem to win again because they set us back no matter how hard I tell myself it's her, not me. I'm crying now............

Don't even want to ride anymore. I know, black and white thinking. But it is where I'm at today, perhaps tomorrow will be different.

Seems every time in the past decade I've had to interact with people, I get set back instead of moving forward. I get tired of protecting myself all the time. Seems that was life is now, protecting myself from the bad ones around me................

 

[saffy]

yes absolutely.

I find myself alone most of the time. However now I prefer that. I am not searching for attachment or commitment any more as I have grown and enlightened. I have also found that I am less 'needy' especially for the wrong type of people. I now recognise these damaging traits like ego, selfishness and manipulation and avoid people who are not coming from their truth. By understanding myself better and ignoring my conditioning I can now make a more informed decision on who is in my life.

I can now pick and choose who I chose to have in my company without guilt or worry. That has led me to a more solitary but far happier and peaceful lifestyle and I am OK with that. :)

best wishes

Saffy :)

 

[saffy]

I just went through a trainer who has totally convinced me I'm not even worthy of riding my horse.

That is a terrible trainer and should not be let loose in the arena!!! Her behaviour and lack of teaching ability has nothing to do with your ability or relationship with your horse. grrrrrrr. Sorry it just really angers me that idiot fake trainers have the gall to charge for their inadequacies.

Please do not let the ignorance and arrogance of this wally stop you from enjoying your horse. She has probably proved to be one of the worst teachers I have heard about and I have heard about a lot!.

I have lots of experience with horses and riders and If I can help you in anyway get your relationship with your horse back on the right track I will. Please do not hesitate to ask.


Rant over sorry
Saffy :)

 

[TLight]

Oh thanks Saffy;
I'm recovering and hopefully learning. But it makes me more wary.
The part that I am so sad about is that my abusers taught me to hate. I have hate in me that rises up like a storm when I'm pushed to my stress limits or hurt.

Hate is wrong. hate is not spiritual. Hate only hurts me and no one else. Yet it continues to partner with me.

 

[saffy]

yes hatred is very damaging to the mind. I hope you find a way to free yourself of this :)

best wishes
Saffy :)