Hi
@ssw . I was raped a few years ago and go through periods of heightened promiscuity, but I also go through periods of absolutely no sexual desire. Thankfully I've always been safe in both of these periods. I have a long-term partner that is very open to discussions about my sexual feelings, boundaries, and will ask if they think there's something off about the way I'm conducting myself with them because we've been through these highs and lows together.
I'm not sure where you stand in your relationship(s), but I would suggest coming up with boundaries and expectations right from the get-go before things get serious so that both you and they know where the line is drawn or can have a healthy discussion. For me, I told my partner after a few days that I had been raped and where I stood on things related to my personal reactions to my trauma, however, I was 21 when he and I started dating and we were already close friends for months before this conversation happened, for you this may be different. I would look at it from a position of trust.
I've been working on figuring out whether my highs and lows are trauma-related or hormone-related, and to be honest with you it's very hard for me to tell, sometimes! I haven't quite worked up the courage to talk to my therapist about it, but when I have talked to him about sex he's been very understanding and helpful.
As for your question about reversing it if it's trauma-related, really it would be in your best interest to contact a counselor who may specialize in something like that. :)
I'm not sure what your financial situation is as you've mentioned counseling isn't a possibility, but I am under my parents' insurance for now (I just turned 25 last month), and when I was in undergraduate I saw the counselor at my college. I would suggest finding a therapist or someone to help you talk through these things.
You have absolutely no obligation to be sexual at all in your relationships. I haven't had sex with my partner for months on end because I didn't feel like having sex. It is your body and you are the only one who has a say with what goes on with it. Please don't hate yourself or feel ashamed for not "being sexual enough." At least from my perspective, sex should come out of already having a healthy relationship and a lack of sex should not be something that ends a relationship. If you don't want sex, you should not feel obligated to have it.
I can't speak to asexuality, but I would suggest exploring whether or not it is asexuality or trauma-related. If you suspect you are asexual, I would do some research and talk to a counselor. The LGBTQ+ community is a great resource to tap into as well, part of that "+" includes asexuality as well. Those involved may be able to provide insight and support into what and how you are feeling. I really hope this helps.
