Ashamed of Angry Texting

[Sideways]

How do I yank myself back to reality and reject the siren song of delusions that tell me she is at best a bystander who will inevitably hurt me the same way as the perpetrators or bystanders of sexual abuse?

Plan ahead.

You know it’s coming? Take her number out of your phone, and write it down somewhere with a lost of conditions about what you do and don’t consider to be acceptable reasons to text. If you have a partner? Leave her phone number with them, with instructions about when it should and shouldn’t be shared with you between appointments.

Do you have any distress tolerance skills on board that you know work for you? Prep a list of things that bring down your distress, and make a rule for yourself that you will do (say) at least 3 of those things before texting her.

Just a couple of ideas. At some point, for her own well-being, she will draw the line with texting if you don’t stop. Which is the healthy response of a person that cares about us when our behaviour goes too far. Hope that might at least give you some ideas...?

 

[susannahsays]

I opted to send her a text (not an angry one) to get confirmation that we are ok. I just said I needed to check before my thoughts ran away with me. I figured she would prefer that to me spiralling. I just said I forgot to ask and now I was worried she was disgusted and maybe she would see how what happened was funny. She responded and said it's never funny and she's not disgusted with me but by people who pretend to be nice so they can hurt someone. I thanked her and she said you're welcome.

I feel better and I can look back at the message when I start having the anxious thoughts.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm not sure if this is helpful @susannahsays , as I now realize I don't angry text, but I do sever ties based on my perception of reality.

The biggest thing I can say, is whether the ties and by extrapolation with it- circumstances- should give a clue what to believe about interpreting those circumstances (and the people involved).

So no, I don't think that the T sees you as a bad child. And thoughts such as those are what needs to be discussed. I like your post above.

I suppose I'm saying there are people who shouldn't be trusted/ surrounded with, and people who are trustworthy. The thoughts or delusions are based on who is involved, and seeing everyone as the same.

:hug:

 

[hithere]

I can't tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this, because I went it through before. If it means anything, if you can't get comfortable with this therapist she may not be the right one. There may be something about her that is too triggering, either in her demeanor or emotional responses to you. This is not easy stuff to deal with. Personally, I think you are doing great that you are "self-aware" enough to know the root causes, and to know that you are doing it. Although the turmoil is hell.

Can you copy and paste what you have written here and either email it to her before your next appointment, or take it with you? You've explained it very well and it may be too triggering to explain it to her in person. I think it would help her. Also, therapists have this need to feel like they are doing a good "job" so throwing in some comments to her that you think she is doing a good job and thanking her for helping you deal with this and assuring her that you are wanting to trust her and desire to trust her might help your relationship, might help her feel more connected to you.

Edited: I just re-read that she did text you back something validating. So maybe she does understand and hopefully you can get completely relaxed with her.

 

[susannahsays]

Thanks, I do actually feel she is a good therapist for me. She isn't all mushy gushy like it seems many therapists are, and she doesn't shy away from calling me on my bullshit. These are qualities I really appreciate because an ooey gooey warm and fuzzy therapist would send me running for the hills - I have enough trouble tolerating her quieter, less (to me) smothering way of providing emotional support. And I wouldn't have any respect for a therapist who tiptoed around me or didn't take helping me seriously enough to risk conflict.

I was planning on saying something regarding the fact that I do feel like I trust her, but I just get spooked when she's not directly in front of me. This isn't actually to reassure her, though. I don't think she requires my reassurance as I think she is secure in what she is doing. She has been a therapist for something like 30 years and has worked with many people who have experienced CSA. So while I'm sure it's nice to hear she's doing a good job, I don't feel like she's dependent on my praise to make her happy. I kind of feel like she should be feeling pretty smug right now that she's finally cracked my shell and I'm opening up a tiny bit after a year and a half, even if things are a bit bumpy.

So yeah, I think she does understand in general and when I behave irrationally, she understands once I tell her what was going on for me behind the scenes. I think I'm fortunate she's the one I'm working with, although I'm not prepared to subject myself to the vulnerability required to tell her that yet.

 

[pam4him]

You may be panicking because of past hurts. It is hard to re-open our personal lives after trauma. Try to remember she is a fallible human, we all are. The reason she went over could have been a patient in crisis. It doesn't mean she doesn't care about you, just that perhaps she wasn't comfortable ending their session. Or it could have started late. As for the office closing for a hurricane, it could be there wasn't time to notify everyone. It's hard, but we have to try to not assume what is happening is to personally slight us. I, too, have done this many times, only to learn it was nothing like what I created in my mind. Perhaps instead of angry texts, write what you are feeling in a journal, then discuss it at session. Prayers for peace, wisdom and strength on your healing journey.

 

[blackemerald1]

for her own well-being, she will draw the line with texting if you don’t stop.

I sort of understand why you may be texting and I'm sorry you are in so much pain that you lash out at possibly the one and only person who truly can help you. Maybe that's why you are doing it but I don't know.

Remember though, @Sideways is correct. She will have her boundaries and there will be the line.

If you are looking for that line either unconsciously or consciously be careful. Standing in that smouldering mess and having no back up may be a reality if you let it go that far.

I'd explore all of this texting stuff with your T asap. It's important for both of you. Write to her and ask her to insist that it be addressed even if you try to avoid it.

Personally, I am not a big believer in the 'elephant in the room' concept. It's not helpful at all in my view. Talk about it with her and work it out.

Good luck.

 

[The Albatross]

Impulsivity? Maybe CBT techniques.
Impulsivity

 

[susannahsays]

Impulsivity? Maybe CBT techniques.
Impulsivity

I do have ADHD, but I don't think I can claim this has anything to do with that. I have wondered about BPD, but I don't really identify with some of the things people with BPD seem to have in common. For example, I can't say that I have a fear of abandonment and it seems like that's pretty central to BPD. Granted, maybe it's just that I let so few people near me that it never comes up. I also don't really do the splitting and idealizing/devaluing thing and have trouble grasping what that must be like. When I start having the irrational thoughts I've detailed here about the therapist, I'm not actually devaluing her or angry at her - it's at myself. I describe my texts as angry because I know that's how they come across and how she has described them - and I can see why.

 

[Ronin]

but I don't think I can claim this has anything to do with that.

Impulsivity is a trait... Its not specific to any one disorder.

It is mentioned with ADHD only because there, it is a part of what makes that disorder recognizable.
In, always present with it.
Not that you have to be ADHD to be impulsive...
But you have to be impulsive to be ADHD. B/c if it is an area theres zero issue in, initially, it is likely to be something alright, but not ADHD.

I can't say that I have a fear of abandonment and it seems like that's pretty central to BPD.

Your issues with the T look like textbook fear of abandonment, honestly.

Because someone without that fear will have no issue betwen sessions, or think that the whole relation with the T changed... when there are no indicators of that, whatsoever.
It will be just life, just time between meetings, not the whole relation gone to hell... or at least perceived as such.

I also don't really do the splitting and idealizing/devaluing thing

But you do.

Evidenced by your threats to her.
Someone who poses no risk to you, whatsoever, you wont feel the need to threaten / manipulate into doing something -of your choosing-.
Because what you do & what they do are different things, you recognize your agency & relation with them are something you dont need that tight control of, something you can deal with the usual coping mechanisms.

Its not just about the actions, but what usually drives them / how those drives manifest.

 

[susannahsays]

You may be panicking because of past hurts. It is hard to re-open our personal lives after trauma. Try to remember she is a fallible human, we all are. The reason she went over could have been a patient in crisis. It doesn't mean she doesn't care about you, just that perhaps she wasn't comfortable ending their session. Or it could have started late. As for the office closing for a hurricane, it could be there wasn't time to notify everyone. It's hard, but we have to try to not assume what is happening is to personally slight us. I, too, have done this many times, only to learn it was nothing like what I created in my mind. Perhaps instead of angry texts, write what you are feeling in a journal, then discuss it at session. Prayers for peace, wisdom and strength on your healing journey.

I don't find journaling helpful as it tends to create a platform for me to flesh out my paranoid delusions and things just escalate.

I did not assume what happened when she didn't text me about the appointment. She told me when she responded to my text that she had told the receptionist that she would call me when the receptionist cleared the schedule but forgot to do so. I knew it was not intended as a personal slight, but she still forgot me. We had talked about her texting me to let me know if the office would be closed when I had seen her on the Tuesday, about 48 hours before. A closure of the office was not a sudden or unpredictable event, so there was certainly time for notification for the five or so people she would have seen. I realize everyone is fallible and that is why I didn't make a big thing out of it.

As for the other client and maybe being in crisis, she really doesn't seem to ever go over - and she does a 50-55 minute session, so it was over by like 10 minutes. I think she has asked if need to sit in the waiting room if not ready to leave before. She just doesn't go over. One time, she was like 3 minutes late (but a client hadn't just come out) and apologized for it. I didn't care, but that led me to believe she thought it was important to start on time. At the time I was sitting there and she was still in her office with the door shut, I felt angry at myself for believing that she'd felt really bad and that I hadn't withdrawn and cancelled my sessions for the week like I'd wanted to. I didn't want to cancel in order to punish her or anything like that, but I just really didn't feel like talking to her. And last time I came and had trouble talking, she asked me why I had come if I wasn't going to talk and that hurt my feelings tbh. So it kind of felt like a slap in the face that I had mobilized all my emotional resources to 1) not pitch a fit when she forgot about me and 2) not shut her out, only to be received by her closed door during what was supposed to be my session. Honestly, if I hadn't felt so completely dejected and worthless at that point, I would have run. I also started worrying that maybe I'd somehow messed up the time of our appointment or something. I checked my reminder text, and saw I wasn't wrong, and that just made me worry that for some reason I was unexpectedly not going to get my session (and maybe everything was unpredictable and unsafe, etc.). It was just really bad timing to have an aberration - on the heels of her forgetting about me. And all this coming when I had finally started sharing with her some details of the CSA in the past few weeks. It was all just really unfortunate timing that created the perfect storm, I guess.

 

[susannahsays]

Impulsivity is a trait... Its not specific to any one disorder.

It is mentioned with ADHD only because there, it is a part of what makes that disorder recognizable.
In, always present with it.
Not that you have to be ADHD to be impulsive...
But you have to be impulsive to be ADHD. B/c if it is an area theres zero issue in, initially, it is likely to be something alright, but not ADHD.



Your issues with the T look like textbook fear of abandonment, honestly.

Because someone without that fear will have no issue betwen sessions, or think that the whole relation with the T changed... when there are no indicators of that, whatsoever.
It will be just life, just time between meetings, not the whole relation gone to hell... or at least perceived as such.


But you do.

Evidenced by your threats to her.
Someone who poses no risk to you, whatsoever, you wont feel the need to threaten / manipulate into doing something -of your choosing-.
Because what you do & what they do are different things, you recognize your agency & relation with them are something you dont need that tight control of, something you can deal with the usual coping mechanisms.

Its not just about the actions, but what usually drives them / how those drives manifest.

I'm open to the idea that I have a fear of abandonment by the therapist - like I said, I really don't let anybody close enough to me to be able to say with certainty that I don't have this issue. The reason I said I didn't think this was an issue for me is that when I talk to other people, it seems like many of them worry about their therapists not returning from trips or it feels like abandonment when their therapist goes on vacation. I won't say I love it when the therapist is unavailable for sessions, but I don't have a fear that she won't come back and her going on vacation doesn't feel like it means anything about me at all. I don't take tiny things and turn them into signs that she's about to terminate me.

I honestly don't think I split on her, though. I have never seen her as a bad person, or used one action of hers to devalue all her other actions. When I threaten her (I assume you are talking about when I said I'll never speak to you again), it was indeed a manipulative, controlling tactic - but I don't know what that has to do with splitting? I have freely told the therapist when I have done things in an effort to manipulate. I do have issues with being manipulative and controlling and I do have trouble with impulse control. But I really don't see where I have an issue with idealizing or devaluing - except, possibly, of myself.

ETA: This doesn't reflect well on me at all, I am aware, but if I thought she was a bad person, I wouldn't bother trying to manipulate her because it would be pointless. When I said, "I'm never speaking to you again!" for example, I was trying to coerce her into responding to my question about if she had laughed about my trauma so I would know if I could come to my session or not.