Ashamed of Angry Texting

[susannahsays]

I know I need to work on that trigger. However, I don't understand how to work on it. It doesn't seem like working on it would consist of enduring it until I snap, driving away the person I am relying on to help me with all of my shit, of which this trigger is only a tiny part. That is what will happen if I go when I don't feel like I can tolerate the trigger.

And of course she wouldn't be cornering me. I didn't say she would be. I said I would feel like she was. I appreciate that people are trying to make sure I see that feelings aren't a way to measure reality, but I am already aware of that. People who know me well typically criticize me for being too coldly logical. The issue for me specifically is not that I will confuse feelings for reality but that my impulse control, or lack thereof, really doesn't give a f* about reality. I don't anger easily but when I do get angry, it happens instantly and explosively. Ka-boom.

 

[Ronin]

I don't anger easily but when I do get angry, it happens instantly and explosively. Ka-boom.

Okay... was it always this way?

Or was there any a time when you felt that fast angry... and did not react to it, or reacted with different intensity?

 

[susannahsays]

Consider calling back and bringing the appointment forward.

Huh? The appointment was for tomorrow. It can't be brought forward. I have another one scheduled for Tuesday.

I'd be pretty upset if I let everyone convince me to do something I thought was a bad idea, and then I wound up with no therapist as a result.

True, avoidance might harm me, but a confrontation would harm me far more and would not be reversible.

 

[susannahsays]

Okay... was it always this way?

Or was there any a time when you felt that fast angry... and did not react to it, or reacted with different intensity?

Yes, it has always been this way. I threw the most awful tantrums as a child. I remember screaming until I lost my voice and making a habit of slamming my door so hard my parents decided to take it off. Then they took me to a psychiatrist. She taught me it was important to suppress my rage. After that, I felt nothing a lot of the time, but sometimes, I still had screaming episodes and would hurl obscenities at the mother.

 

[susannahsays]

Also, I feel like I should mention that the therapist doesn't consider me to be the "main person" and has threatened to commit me before. So I worry about losing control of myself and pitching some sort of fit in her office because then she might send me away. And everybody would be mad and it would be all my fault. Again. ?

 

[Sideways]

I ended up with no T. I wasn’t slamming doors or yelling. That’s not cops-worthy stuff. I’m not gonna write out what I did - from what you’ve written, it’s completely different to the kind of acting out you engage in. Just relating that because this is normal stuff for us. What you’re going through is normal for us, yeah?

And this isn’t a ‘confrontation’. That’s your head’s language. It’s actually just another appointment. Like any other. Your head right now is trying to convince you otherwise.

You have an appointment on Tuesday? Great. Keep that one. Use your skills in the meantime to try and do some stuff that you know works for you in bringing distress levels down.

You’ll get through this. Let your T help you through this. I think that’s all anyone here is trying to tell you. Because you won’t always react like this. When we work through the shame, and we rack up distress tolerance skills? Our life can change dramatically.

 

[unbrokenwarrior]

I know her looking at you is going to trigger you and have you feeling some way, but how can she logically not do that? When she opens her door to you she could be looking at you by accident because she doesnt know where you are positioned properly behind the door. She could accidentally look at you because that's the normal reaction to respond to sound. Even if shes trying her hardest not to, if shes focusing so much on not looking at you then shes not going to be able to help you when her focus is taken up by that. Everyone in this thread is trying to help you, me included and I'm so sorry that things are not improving for you and you feel worse than ever. I wish better things for you. Could you not text your therapist before your app Tue and tell her exactly what you've said here, that you feel that things will become out of control in her office, that her looking at you IS going to trigger you, that you asked her not to look because that's what you think will help, tell her this and ask for help. Tell her you dont think you could manage being in her office for all the reasons you listed. I think you're going to have to be brutally honest with EXACTLY how you're feeling and she is going to have to be with you because neither of you are mind readers and surmising what someone is trying to get at especially over text is hard to interpret. Maybe speaking on the phone would be better, so you can gauge her true meaning from her voice because I know for me I read texts and they come across a different way than what was intended.

 

[susannahsays]

You're right, confrontation isn't the right word. It would be more of an attack or massacre.

And having worked in a mental health agency for 8 years, I have an idea of what is cop-worthy. I would not be at all surprised if I found myself being escorted from the building by LEO for screaming at the therapist.

I once sent the therapist the Arthur's fist meme because I was upset she wanted to talk to someone, and she assumed it meant I wanted to hit her or that it was intended to convey a physical threat. I expect if I leap up and loom over her screaming my head off, she will probably assume I'm about to physically assault her.

Oh, and since my psychiatrist practices in the same suite, it would really suck if I was asked to stay off the premises.

 

[susannahsays]

@unbrokenwarrior She doesn't like talking about things over text. I don't think she does calls between appointments unless it's a crisis. She wanted to talk about this at the next appointment, so I didn't feel like she understood that I was contacting her as an alternative to cancelling.

I asked her to look out her window instead of at me. Her window is behind her. She has to move her chair to open her file cabinet. So she would just need to move her chair so she could look out the window instead of at me. I don't think not looking at someone is as complicated as you're making it sound.

She has made it clear she's not willing to accommodate me. After her last text saying as much, I slept on it and replied this morning to let her know I accepted her refusal to do what I asked but that attending my appointment would not be bearable to me this week. It's fine.

Her saying no does make it easier to go without, though, since it has created a minor negative transference reaction. It would stink if I still wanted to go but felt I couldn't. But, I don't feel like talking to her now, so I don't mind not going, plus I won't be ruminating about any delusions about what she thinks and how she might hurt me. That's good.

 

[Sideways]

She has made it clear she's not willing to accommodate me.

No, she hasn’t. She has asked to talk to you about your request for certain accommodations. Not the same, not even in the same ballpark.

You are absolutely catastrophising here. That doesn’t mean that we’re all thinking that this appointment will go smoothly and it will all be rainbows and bunny rabbits.

What is being challenged is the perception you have now built in your mind about how this is going to play out, how you are going to react.

If you’ve been dealing with this aggressive reaction to overwhelming emotions your whole life, then you are absolutely underestimating your ability to mitigate those disproportionate responses. And with the help of your T (who is professionally trained in how to manage situations just like this one), you’re seriously underestimating the kind of break-throughs that can be made in situations like this.

But the first person in line who needs to help you? Is you. Which involves participating in the therapy process. And this is part of that process that many of us go through. Shame, and secondary fear and anger, just like you’re experiencing now.

 

[susannahsays]

No, she's not trained to manage me when I'm past talking and have progressed to behaving like I'm possessed and destroying things. She's a therapist, not a punching bag.

I know how I will react.

I am helping myself, even if you can't see that. I have paid a heavy price for rage incidents and lost enough. My issues aren't going anywhere, including my issue with her looking at me, which I have discussed with her before and told her was hard for me. It's not like skipping one appointment means I'll miss anything really. I don't see how I'm catastrophizing - but to hear you guys tell it, you'd think I'm making the biggest mistake of my life not going to one appointment. That seems like catastrophizing a bit. I don't think this is such a huge deal. I just need to regroup before going to see the therapist. I'll most likely be pretty nasty and rude then, too, but hopefully minus any screaming or property damage.

I am not angry right now. I am irritated, resentful, anxious, and tired, but not angry.

 

[Cypress]

You sound to me like you are really afraid.