Ashamed of Angry Texting

[Sideways]

No, you are fundamentally in error here

Okay, so I’m not out to get you.

For all I know, your T is actually pretty shite (it seems a bit concerning to me that she’s entering this extremely difficult territory without a strong skill foundation, or adequate time at the end of your appointment to bring you back from your trauma to a safe place emotionally).

I’m not on your T’s side. I don’t think anyone here is.

Me personally? I can relate a lot to the feelings you seem to be expressing here, and my guess is a lot of us do.

Are there skills you can bring into play here? You aren’t big on the idea of DBT (a lot of people feel that way - me included, and it took a long time, and a lot of work, for me to be persuaded it was helpful for me), and that’s okay. But just reading along it does seem like you’re thinking is getting more distorted. Rather than being helpful, it seems like the heels are just getting dug in further, and some of what you’re now arguing is incredibly hard to make sense of...

So, do you have skills you can pull out to regulate your anger here? In this space? For the purpose of this conversation? Because in a way, it’s really similar to what’s playing out with your T (though with peeps like me that don’t matter at all! Which makes this place pretty safe), and maybe this is an opportunity for you to figure out how to get some of those skills to work for you, in a helpful way that you can then apply to your therapy?

 

[susannahsays]

You do realize that is not someone out for limiting you, but fairly standard practice for any sort of provider-client interaction, right...?

They provide the service within a limited time frame. Other than that time, take your issue elsewhere.



But you get angry at her. As if she owed you something, and did something wrong by being uncomfortable. That itself is demanding.



Its harassing, even more given she told you to stop it already.
So it does obligate her to deal with an issue you are responsible for... if only to get rid of that behavior of yours.

So it, in fact, DOES make demands on her. She needs to take an action she shouldnt be forced to take, because that responsibility is on you to check yourself, not her to be doing it for you, after you fail to check yourself.

No, she said she "allows" me to text. So please don't assume that I am actually breaking a boundary. She has not forbidden me from doing this, she just doesn't like it.

I don't know what action you are referring to when you say she has to take one.

I get angry at her, yes. I don't understand what you're saying about "as if she owed me something." That has nothing to do with me being angry. I am angry at her for specific things that have nothing to do with texting. You know that, right?

I disagree that it's standard that clients of other professions are ever told they have to make an appointment and that they cannot even leave a message for the person they are hiring. Give me an example.

 

[susannahsays]

My session today was pretty good, although it got off to an awful start when she called me the wrong name. That hurt my feelings.

 

[susannahsays]

Checked with my university library and they have several DBT workbooks available. I'll be seeing what they have to offer me. I seem to recall that mindfulness is often part of DBT, and like the person who posted the thread on that topic, I find mindfulness reminds me of being in a trauma space. However, there's no reason to throw the baby out with the bathwater and I'm sure I will be able to find something helpful. I think I may also have some ebooks on my computer from my old job that might include DBT, but I can't remember. I'll have a look.

 

[DharmaGirl]

No, I'm not. I don't think trauma therapy is causing my issues.

I want to share something with you. I had severe PTSD when I started therapy. I often sent angry emails to my therapist. It is pretty normal with severe trauma. I was as anguished as you seem when I was no longer angry, and also had a hard time with feelings. My therapist told me he viewed those emails as symptoms, and he could tell from the content what I needed help with. Angry emails may seem horrible to us when we send them, but from a therapist's point of view, they are just symptoms. Maybe say to your therapist that you need help with this symptom? Then you don't have to discuss feelings right off. I have been where you are it seems. Maybe not, but it sure seems so. I was very, very upset.

Mindfulness is just being present where you are. It is the exact opposite of a trauma space. If you count the color red in the place you are, then orange, then whatever other color you want, you are being mindful of your surroundings and being present. That's all. No meditation needed. The meditation helps some people calm their emotions. Since I had been a Buddhist in early adulthood, it came easily to me.

I hope you start to feel better. It is awesome that you are taking the reins and getting some books. Trauma therapy often gets worse before you feel better, but when you feel better, there's nothing like it!

 

[DharmaGirl]

After reading more, perhaps two sessions a week might be better for your needs. I had 3 sessions a week a few times!

 

[susannahsays]

Mindfulness is just being present where you are. It is the exact opposite of a trauma space. If you count the color red in the place you are, then orange, then whatever other color you want, you are being mindful of your surroundings and being present. That's all. No meditation needed. The meditation helps some people calm their emotions. Since I had been a Buddhist in early adulthood, it came easily to me.

I'm glad you provided that example of mindfulness. One of the things I would do when I was being abused was to count things to distract myself from what was happening to me. For example, I would count the ripples in the sheet. Or I would focus on the feeling of some object I was touching in order to distract myself from the fact that I was being physically violated. That is what I mean when I say mindfulness reminds me of being in a trauma space.

The only time I can sort of do a mindfulness sort of thing is when I cuddle with my dog. I don't know why that feels different, but focusing on him and being with him and how he feels against me does work. But in all other situations, I have found mindfulness to lead to dissociation at best and panicked dysregulation at worst.

 

[susannahsays]

After reading more, perhaps two sessions a week might be better for your needs. I had 3 sessions a week a few times!

I do have two sessions per week. Unfortunately, that's all I can afford. I'm a student and the $80/week that I am already spending already puts a strain on my finances.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I can see why it doesn't want to work for you! Perhaps something else. I used the DBT workbook for a bit, and just the stuff that resonated with me. What helped me in my youth was the book Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain. It's a bit woo woo, but learning to visualize things that were good or a happy life really helped!

I completely dissociated during my trauma. I was not there at all.

 

[hithere]

My therapist told me he viewed those emails as symptoms, and he could tell from the content what I needed help with. Angry emails may seem horrible to us when we send them, but from a therapist's point of view, they are just symptoms.

This is really wonderful @DharmaGirl that you had such a knowledgeable and understanding therapist willing to work on such symptoms. I can relate to @susannahsays as I had similar reactions to doing trauma therapy with my last therapist. There is a big, big problem though that my therapist would not, could not work with anything negative at all. Not all therapists have this skill, understanding, and knowledge.

Many therapists view negative behaviors as personal attacks on them, they will call it resistance, and all such manner of unhelpfulness. I do agree it is a symptom. I definitely had severe trauma and my response was to never attach to anyone, the vuneraability was too much.

I would also like to add that the biggest thing that helped me was to do some IFS work with a therapist, and on my own. I was very dissociative and my inner world looked chaotic but when I spent the time to ask my inner people questions and was open and welcome to hearing what they had to say a lot of stability came very quickly. My sabotaging behavior toward the therapist were "protector parts" and when I could see all of it, it was very helpful, and then could let them either go play or do some other job, or tell them to be on "stand by" and if I am in danger they can come and kick some ass and save the day. Most of my S/I was actually a protector part, too. Just as an example.

It's really difficult, and embarrassing, and hard; not to mention painful. I think the DBT books will help in other areas of your life too. I get the mindfulness problem, it would cause me to go into hyper vigilance. But dancing, or moving, doing a type of art work, playing music very, very loud all helped me when I was symptomatic. Not as a cure, but to cope and take the edge off.
Thanks for sharing your journey. Take Care!

 

[Justmehere]

I hear that you feel your free speech is silenced because she is inviting you to express concerns in session instead of continuing the same pattern to complain between sessions. She’s beginning to put up a boundary and yeah, that can hurt to face. You are running up against two common effective conflict resolution limits for people:

1.) Very few emotionally charged problems are *solved* in relationships via text. Not at all unique to therapy. I’ve seen organizations fall apart over trying to fix an emotionally charged problem on email when a quick face to face conversation would have saved so much fall out.

2.) It is really normal for a number of professions to want to work out a problem face to face or within the boundaries of the work someone was hired to do. Think about a football coach. You go to them to learn football. The coach gives some hard critiques and you think they are wrong. How is that coach going to want to work it out? On the field.

Lawyers are another great example. Letters and texts between sessions to work out complaints about a case = more billable hours. Many therapists actually do this as well. They charge for in-between session contact for any current clients beyond the simplest scheduling matters.

How about a hair stylist? If they cut your hair wrong, they’ll want you to come back in and work it out. Not exchange letters and texts about it.

You didn’t hire her for (and she’s not agreeing to do) text therapy. You didn’t hire her to block your texts. While she is free to do that, if you went to a session and found out she had to block you, and had no idea about rescheduling requests or complaints you expressed thinking she read them, I doubt you would resolve your goal if feeling heard but rather you would reinforce your own feeling of being unheard.

That is like saying that nobody should be allowed to post a negative review of a restaurant on Yelp without holding a conference with the chef first. It is an abridgement of free speech.

You actually have numerous options to post a bad review online about her, complain to a licensing board, etc. More than most professions. But let’s say you are sitting in a restaurant, and still a customer. The chef serves you a dish cold. You are still engaging the business sitting there. What’s going to help you get your needs met better? The yelp review or actually asking the chef to remedy the cold dish? You can always post the negative yelp review to express the grievance. About the chef, stylist, or therapist. But actually solving the conflict? Usually takes a different approach.

It is indeed coercive to require someone to meet with you in order for them to be allowed to deliver criticism. The fact that I can choose not to attend a session does not alter this.

Are you seeking to vent negative opinions at someone or solve conflict and get needs met?

It seems like you have delivered a lot of critical feedback only to continue to leave sessions in a lot of pain... pain the therapist doesn’t want you to be feeling.

I have no expectations about working through things remotely. I agree that doesn't make sense. My issue is when I am reproached for not waiting until my session to say something. I don't think that's very fair.

So you know you can’t effectively work it out between sessions... do you want her to just be someone you vent at?

She’s inviting you to work with her to solve it in the most effective way to solve it: face to face. (Again, not unique to therapy) But you are shutting down and pushing back hard on that... while then suffering later and venting the compliant in a format that doesn’t solve it.

If you don’t want to solve it or you are not ready to face it to solve it, that’s ok. Really. It would actually make sense. Think about it. What if you and her do solve it. Then what would that mean? You would have to do the much much harder task of facing the pain the trauma caused and not minimizing it anymore.

There was a problem I faced in therapy once that was an escape from the trauma work. I’m super humbled to admit it now... but I got caught up in real issues, *but not central issues,* because really... I was so shit scared to face the trauma. Face to face. With another human. I found everything wrong that I could find and was pissed about it. I found legit problems. And I got nowhere but miserable. The therapist saw right through it and knew I was really pushing back on doing trauma work. He kept directing me to talk it through with him. I was so mad and I wanted him to know... but I pushed back in actually solving it. I wanted him to KNOW I was mad. Again, I found a legit problem, but I pushed back on actually. solving. it. because I got into this weird place where I just wanted him to know I felt mad. I wanted my big fat “this is not ok!” HEARD. And ya know what? All I did was escape the work I needed to do to be actually heard out until the therapist drew boundaries and I had to face the shit I was running from.

Your therapist is inviting you to tell her what’s pissing you off face to face with her. She’s got some courage and compassion for the pain you are in. She wants to help reduce the suffering you feel.

Are you ready to do that? Again, it’s ok if are not... but you are telling her over and over that you are angry and in pain. You want to be heard — and you have an opportunity to tell her to her face, how what she said hurt, and to own that the trauma was awful, painful, and it hurt. I think it will get you further than the battle over texts.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I hear that you feel your free speech is silenced

I'm quoting this to address the issue of free speech. @susannahsays, we have free speech until it intersects with someone else. We can't stand in front of a church and yell anti christian things. Our freedoms end where another's begin.

Can you ask to see the contract you probably had to sign before therapy started? There should be one that outlines how the therapist works. I was too dissociated the first 6 months of therapy to remember that, but I had signed one. I had a different therapist who would allow no contact between sessions. None. She gave me the crisis line number. When I found my brother's body, I called for an extra session, and she never responded. She is no longer my therapist, since I can't work like that. She also claimed she could cure my PTSD in 8 sessions. Ha!