Ashamed Of Behavior After Being Triggered.

[TeaLeaf]

I'm having a hard time coping with how I acted after I was triggered a few days ago. My husband and I had an argument, ugly things were said, mostly by me, I yelled, acted crazy and cried. I usually am able to control myself more, take breaks, handle my anger etc but I had been triggered by many other things in the weeks prior and I just couldn't take it anymore.

We haven't had a good talk about it yet however my husband has said I shouldn't be so hard on myself on my behavior. That is comforting however I just hate myself for having a meltdown. There are things that I need my husband to do differently next time and I dread asking him for this because if he doesn't respond in a positive way, I am going to get triggered again.

I guess I just need to know someone can relate to having a meltdown and being ashamed of how they acted. I have been doing a lot better in the last 6 months and so when I get triggered, it just feels like I am taking steps backward. My depression is also much better so I am taking only a tiny dose of medication so the emotions feel more real and I am still getting used to that.

Thanks for reading.

 

[bell]

*Raises hand*

I can relate! I'm still feeling bad about a meltdown I had awhile ago and cringe everytime I think about it. So, it's not just you.

I don't have any words of wisdom on how to stop them from happening, but, please know that, no, it's not just you.

 

[rainydaze]

I do the stupidest, most ridiculous things. Things I wouldn't even talk about in a forum. So I concur that you are definitely not alone! It's not an easy thing to deal with. I find myself reverting to some sort of a childlike state (out of an inability to deal with my embarassment) the day after.

 

[arfie]

You are not alone, TeaLeaf. I call mine, foot-in-mouth disease. I carry a salt shaker to help my foot taste better.

I've learned to make my amends as quickly as possible afterward, though sometimes the best amend is to just drop it. I am also another one who is too hard on myself.

 

[eav]

Yes, I've done this too, for decades. Only recently did I learn that it has always been PTSD. Actually knowing why I do it makes it just a tiny bit easier.

 

[Miasmith]

Yes this is normal. Don't worry you can ask him to handle things differently next time, that is normal in every relationship PTSD or not. Its a normal thing to do. Give it a go, if you feel bad then you can do each other. you ask him to change one thing and then he can ask you to do something different :) All good!

 

[Zef]

Guilty here, too. It is one of the most discouraging things in this whole business. My supporters will never know how much I appreciate them.

 

[WillyKat]

Well, there must be an echo in here. Yes, me too. I've really been struggling with it lately.

For me, it's gotten better lately. Fixed? No, but better. So I'll throw this out there; maybe it will help, I hope.

• First, stop hating yourself about it and give yourself a break, cut yourself some slack. After all, it does bother you and that's the first step to start dealing with it.
• Being angry is OK; you have a right to be angry. Recognize that there's a very hurt inner being in you that is angry about it. Anger is closely related to fear. Accept the fact that it comes from a justifiable place. When you're angry and act out, it's that hurt inner self that's trying to tell the world that it hurts. That's particularly true if part of the trauma involved threats to keep quiet: that's a lot to bottle up.
• Hey, outward anger, as bad as it is, is a lot better than inward anger. If the anger doesn't come out, it goes in and that's very bad.
• Recognize that anger is a phase of the recovery process that, though it seems endless, will pass.
• Ah, but it's not directed in the right place, doesn't come out at the right time, isn't eloquent, isn't constructive. So what I've been trying to do is whenever an issue comes up to express myself, to let my upsettedness come out right away, no bottling. I know that's hard to do, but it lets off pressure before it builds to an explosion.
• Something that's been working for me is to stop trying to eradicate the anger. It's too hard a goal. So I've replaced it with trying to mitigate it, to lessen the intensity.
• This part applies to me; maybe in applies to you. I'm trying hard to understand where the anger comes from: anger at myself for not having a switch that turns off my symptoms, anger at others for not having a switch to turn off the actions that trigger me, anger at my abuser.

Hope that helps.

 

[mamachick]

I have done the same thing. It feels awful to remember what was said during an arguement. I use to be a very reasonable person, and remembering who is I was and a better time helps me at times to not melt down. You are very lucky to have and understanding husband that doesnt want you to be so hard on yourself. Obviously he cares and understands what happens when you hit this point.

Living with symptoms day in and day out gets old and it is understandable why we can handle less. The best we can do is try and stop and think before it gets to those words, take a time out, and use any coping skills we have to prevent it. When it does happen, I think making ammends is necessary. Sometimes it is too hard for others to be in our lives and I understand that too, I have lost people I love due to my poor boundaries and the anger it causes.

You said that you still need to ask your husband to do things differently next time but if he does not respond in a positive way that will trigger you again. That is a tough situation. I dont know your situation but I would look up the meaning of triggers as Anthony has posted some really good information about what triggers are and what they are not. There are things that frustrate me to death because of having ptsd but they are not triggers. Not having my needs met might set me off, but are not triggers. For myself, I am trying to take all responsibility for my actions and owning it and labeling it is part of that for me. It has been really important to distinguish what is a trigger and what just pisses me off. Im not saying that is the case with you. If I expect something bad to happen, it probably will.

I become uncomfortable when I can not please the ones I love or they are critical. This really is not trigger for me, its co-dependency that goes along with my ptsd. I can only change me and control my behavior and not others responses or their behavior in any way. Unfortunately, I dont even know what I need or want anymore because I quit asking for anything. I know this is not healthy and am working on changing this with people that are healthy. I know the shame and it is destructive in our healing.

This might sound corny-but I have tried to practice this as I know right from wrong. I try to behave/communicate as if I am on stage and the whole world is watching. I may respond slower because I have to think about what the best action would be rather than the first reaction that comes to my mind.

 

[TeaLeaf]

Thanks everyone for the replies, they helped me feel a little better. It is easy to feel all alone in my reactions sometimes and I am grateful that I can come here to feel less alone in it.