Today I just finished a long weekend of group therapy (T was one of the two therapist's running it), it was really hard. I was already having a really rough week leading up to it, hadn't been to work for the first 3 days last week because of mental health reasons, then Thursday and Friday I was really sick with a respiratory infection. Then this weekend brought up some new, and old stuff in my past that I wasn't prepared for. I was prepared for things to come up, just not with such intensity. Last night I left feeling unsafe, but I made a healthy choice to protect myself from harming myself by taking a sleep aid. I made them aware of that when we were talking this morning, and I said that I was leaving tonight feeling unsafe and really exposed feeling.
I was asked by T what I needed to feel safe, I didn't know at the time, also embarrassed that she was asking what I needed. When I got home though I had enough time between saying goodbyes to everyone and the ride home to think about what I needed. I emailed T and asked for what I needed, and that was another session earlier this week, but also to keep my appointment with her on Thursday. I'm afraid to ask this of her because she isn't charging me for my sessions right now because I can't afford it, so I don't feel like I have the right to ask for her to extend her time out to me more than she already does, I feel guilty for asking.
I really hope I hear back from her tonight or tomorrow. I don't think I'm going to be able to work tomorrow or this week. I just feel really unsafe in myself and I feel like if I go to work and deal with all the garbage that I'm going to make myself worse. I shared that part in my email to T too, so she knows right where I'm at. I'm trying to learn to ask for what I need, and that's really scary, because I don't unless I REALLY REALLY need it, so I'm scared of being turned away. As much as I want to hear from her, I'm scared to because what if she says no, or she can't?
I'm also scared of not going to work, even though that's what I need to keep myself in a safer space mentally, because I already have issues with money right now. I'm really scared of T saying she can't see me earlier this week in addition to keeping my original appointment for the end of the week.
I was asked by T what I needed to feel safe, I didn't know at the time, also embarrassed that she was asking what I needed. When I got home though I had enough time between saying goodbyes to everyone and the ride home to think about what I needed. I emailed T and asked for what I needed, and that was another session earlier this week, but also to keep my appointment with her on Thursday. I'm afraid to ask this of her because she isn't charging me for my sessions right now because I can't afford it, so I don't feel like I have the right to ask for her to extend her time out to me more than she already does, I feel guilty for asking.
I really hope I hear back from her tonight or tomorrow. I don't think I'm going to be able to work tomorrow or this week. I just feel really unsafe in myself and I feel like if I go to work and deal with all the garbage that I'm going to make myself worse. I shared that part in my email to T too, so she knows right where I'm at. I'm trying to learn to ask for what I need, and that's really scary, because I don't unless I REALLY REALLY need it, so I'm scared of being turned away. As much as I want to hear from her, I'm scared to because what if she says no, or she can't?
I'm also scared of not going to work, even though that's what I need to keep myself in a safer space mentally, because I already have issues with money right now. I'm really scared of T saying she can't see me earlier this week in addition to keeping my original appointment for the end of the week.