Asking My Therapist To Respond Like A Person...can I?

[joeylittle]

...as much as I might 'wish' my T would feel my pain with me and hug me if I were to be crying unconsolably, I also know it cannot and will not happen. That is hard to deal with emotionally - she is a kind, caring person, and yet she will keep that boundary, no matter how badly I am hurting.

I just wanted to say I understand this so much. And sometimes in the moment I still wish he could comfort me. But I get that it's not his role, and it's not going to happen - and it's not even what I want from him, really - just someone.

But as @BloomInWinter pointed out - I do need him to help me see that the events were all wrong, not just the ones I consider to be "the worst". And I'm pretty sure I won't "get" it til I can connect it with a reaction. Or something.

 

[ghotiff]

I could be wrong but I sense in your posts a bit of self-denial and self-minimisation. This is perfectly normal and it serves to protect us from facing horrors that we are not ready to face. I'm wondering if you are starting to be more open to seeing it how it really was (ie without denial), and you are thinking that a 'friend' type reaction would result in you seeing it. I don't think it really works that way though.

Have you tried to write a letter to an imaginary person who has suffered exactly what happened to you. Or a letter to an imaginary person who is about to suffer exactly what happened to you. Detaching from it in this way might allow you to respond how a friend would, and then you could read what you wrote as if it was written to you. Just a word of caution...I found doing this really intense, so judge where you are at before you try and go gently.

By the way, I'm new to all this therapy work so please feel free to disregard anything (and everything) I have said.

 

[joeylittle]

You're being generous to say "a bit" of minimization, @ghotiff ;) I am a world-class minimizer.

I think the exercise you are suggesting sounds really smart. I'm also not sure if it would work for me right now, since I spend most of my time either totally detached or totally immersed. I think I'd need to finish this round of processing and get to a point where I can see it like it was someone else's story. But I also think I can give it a try - I'll err on the side of detachment so I don't trigger myself or anything.

Maybe I'm just being impatient, I don't know. I don't think I want what I think of as a friend reaction - sorrow and comfort. I think I want just a point of view, more precisely, his point of view, because I do respect him and know that he has impeccable boundaries. So I trust him to not exaggerate or minimize.

Here's an example, maybe writing this out will help me clear things up. When they were using electric current on me, I believed at one point that my legs had been
blown off my torso. Of course, they hadn't been, it was just my very young persons interpretation of what was happening (I was blindfolded at the time). For me, this is moderately bad, not too horrible, what they were doing. I was sure at the time I was just a torso hanging in the air, and this is something I cannot actually think about without dissociating pretty violently. But my detached self, the part of me that never talked about this, believes I'm wrong to have that violent a response to the memory.

Oh, I'm not explaining well. I guess I just want to know, objectively, was that action they did to me a greater bad thing or a lesser bad thing.

Now I'm wondering why I even want to know.

I hate this illness, disorder, what-have-you. Hate it.

I'm sorry, I'm babbling. Thank you for reading.

 

[ghotiff]

But my detached self, the part of me that never talked about this, believes I'm wrong to have that violent a response to the memory.

Could you decide to give yourself permission to have this strong emotion for a day (or a hour). And at the end of the day go back to your current approach to it. That way you can explore the feelings and allow it to just be ( without judgement, without thinking its wrong). But after it ends you can then decide how you feel about that emotion.

Just giving you my random thoughts.

 

[joeylittle]

I'm going to talk to my therapist about that idea. I'd only feel safe doing it in session, but it could be a step in getting me where I'm trying to go.

I'm getting up the nerve to talk with him about all this as well.

 

[desiderata310]

Oddly enough I have the opposite going on. My therapist offered a hug my first session. My reaction was to shrink away as though he was about to hit me. Honestly, that was how I felt: threatened. He's picked up on my need for space, that I don't tolerate physical touch well. (Even a handshake) and has even altered where he sits to make me feel safer. (He told me that they are taught to stay close to the door should their patient become violent. I am not violent and freak if my exit is blocked)

My therapist has a background as a social worker so maybe this has something to so with it.

It may also be that because of your trauma he is concerned that something like a hug or a touch might be triggering. Maybe talking about the need for physical touch in a safe setting might help?