Asking...ok...begging For Guidance/opinions.

[LostMom]

Hello everyone.I am new but am immensely relieved to have found this forum. My son who is 16 suffers from CPTSD (complex PTSD) and I am at a loss as to how to help him. I do not fully understand all that goes through and really, REALLY need someone else to articulate what is true and what may be exaggeration or his attempt to use his diagnosis as an excuse. Here is a brief background:

At the age of 9, an unweighted, portable basketball hoop fell onto his face. He was knocked unconscious. When he came to a large portion of his cheek had been torn away, he nose was fractured, he had a concussion, and required immediate 3 hr. emergency surgery. His father found him after the event and rushed him to the hospital. Son saw himself in the mirror and to this day cannot handle seeing the smallest amount of blood. He had issues including vertigo, memory loss, migraines, panic attacks, flashbacks, nightmares and regressed to bed wetting. Left with severe facial scar and taunted for it for years. Sought counseling, this is when we received the first diagnosis.

At age of 10, almost to the year, he was swimming at a public pool. He and his friends were splashing and cannon-balling into the water. An older man (in his 50's) snapped at the pool and began grabbing my son and any of his friends he could and attempted to drown them. The man stepped on my son's chest and held him to the bottom of pool. Afterwards, he said he had "wanted to drown the little niggers". (My son is biracial and 2 of his friends he was with that day were black.) He was charged with aggravated assault (we couldn't get the DA to go for attempted murder) and received 8 months in jail. Son's PTSD had been fading but was now kicked into overdrive. Several years later, after a suicide attempt, my son was hospitalized at a youth psych ward and seredipiously one of his friends who had been attacked (who he hadn't see since the court dates) was there for the same reason. Attempted suicide resulting from PTSD from the attempted drownings.

Age 12, discovered the head trauma left him in the 1st percentile for reading processing. Son went from mostly Bs in school to struggling every day and mostly Ds and Fs ever since accident.(Continues to this day...he is on an IEP).

Age 14, he was attacked my a kid at school. A "friend" thought he had been gossiping about him and his sister. He jumped my son and viciously beat him. Dozens of kids gathered around and videotaped it with his cell phone. Huge trigger...backside.

Age 16, he was in a car with family friends at a stoplight. Suddenly, they witnessed a motorcycle accident. My son saw the man fly through the air, hit his head on the corner of the sidewalk (will spare you the details) and saw him die. Major trigger yet again.

He was in and out of counseling for the next 6 years.Hospitalized twice for suicidal ideation and one attempt.
He has been diagnosed with compounded PTSD and major medical depression. Treated with meds...mostly anti-depressants.

Around age 12 he discovered marijuana and it has been a HUGE battle ever since. He says now and has always maintained, it is the only thing that works to stop the constant anxiety, hyperviligilence and constant nightmares.

Last attempted EMDR. Son said it stopped flashbacks mostly but refuses to continue after 5 sessions because he cannot handle the regression/reliving the events. Has dug in his heals and says he just wants to try to move forward the only way he knows how...which is weed. Have tried drug counseling, probation w/pee tests, putting him out, sending him to family for a time...he always goes back to it. Says he doesn't feel high...it helps him feel normal and he hasn't felt "normal" since the first accident. Says he feels like he lost an entire childhood and just wants to move on with his life.

We live in a state where not only is it illegal but is extremely harsh for those caught using. I have found CBD drops online hoping to keep him from doing it/getting caught/getting in trouble (we live on a military post...it would be very bad for us). Son is game to try but is not holding his breathe as he says the CBD and THC work best together? He is the MOST well-versed kid you have ever met when it comes to cannabis and the chemical compounds, strains, medical uses, etc. He says he wants to graduate and study botany and business in order to have his own medical dispensary one day.By his own admission, he tries to do it every day as a way of self-medicating. He says he does not drink, does not take pills or do drugs.

Sorry this is so long but I am desperate to understand. Is he being honest when he says that is the only relief he can find? If it is...what the hell do I do? Seeing him sob over the PTSD and the nightmares rips my heart out of my chest. But if it is an excuse, I will have him sent immediately send him to rehab because if it IS bs then this kid is beyond hooked.

I am so tired from years of this. Please. Someone help me understand. I love him and only want to support him the best way I can. :(


(((just want to add I am reading every thread I can here in an effort to learn)))

 

[rainydaze]

It sounds like your son is highly intelligent. I have no reason to assume he is lying. It sounds though, that your gut instinct thinks he may be. Why is that?

In my experience and in my experience only, most individuals with PTSD self-medicate. It sounds like this is what your son is doing. I assume that prescription drugs have been prescribed for him and for whatever reason, he has not found them to be of help.

The therapist I saw for seven years for my PTSD told me that she has a lot of clients who come to her in their early twenties with the same story and reason for trying therapy. They state that they have been marijuana users for many years, that they use in order to deal with life, and that recently, marijuana has stopped working for them and they are at a loss as to how to cope. Many state that after some time, marijuana did not provide relief so much as it provided unpleasant feelings when they were high, particularly paranoia. So I don't think what your son is doing is a permanent solution. Is it helping him now? Probably. But I doubt that it is a permanent solution.

I think that leaves you with the dilemma of what you think is the lesser harm here. Is it more harmful to take away his current coping mechanism at this younger age in hopes of getting him a better coping mechanism while his brain is still more flexible to growth and change? Or to enable his marijuana addiction at present only to find him in a greater place of despair later on when the drug no longer does for him what it is currently doing?

My personal experience with PTSD taught me that for all I did to cover up all I didn't want to feel--it was not enough to rid myself of those feelings and memories. It only postponed my dealing with them. Marijuana allows one to be in another world where they don't necessarily have to confront the troubles of today.

As a mother, I think you should determine if your son is emotionally and mentally stable enough to handle confronting day to day life with PTSD. If he is, most certainly do what you can to get him help--and research what that help will be extensively as well.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Lostmom,
I am sorry for what you and your family have been through.

Your son has a diagnosis of PTSD and it is a very difficult condition to live with. I would think it unlikely that he needs to exaggerate his symptoms but it does sound to me as if he does not want to take responsibility for his own recovery. I have read elsewhere that cannabis can help with the symptoms, so I suspect he is telling the truth. However that is no excuse to keep using it if it is illegal. He is putting himself and you very much at risk by continuing to do so.

You say that he found EMDR helpful, but difficult. Sadly most therapies are difficult and you have to force yourself through them if you want to get results. There is no magic cure and people usually feel worse before they start to feel better. Cannabis is simply masking the symptoms, making them more bearable. Therapy will actually reduce the symptoms and also teach coping techniques so that one has tools to manage a bad day.

It is not my place to tell you what to do. Unfortunately it is maybe not your place to tell your son what to do either? If he does not engage in therapy, forcing him to attend will only enhance his sense of failure of therapy. He really needs to want to so this and 'banish his demons' for it to be successful. Additionally therapy only works if the client and therapist have a healthy trusting relationship. This too will not happen if he goes under protest.

I am sorry I cannot be more positive. I can see you are in a really difficult situation.

Best wishes
Lucy

 

[BloomInWinter]

Oh, LostMom,

My Mommy heart is crying and enraged for you! Your poor lil guy! Why are people so horrible?

You're in the right place. I'm so sorry for all you both have suffered. May the hard times be over and your journeys of healing and peace begin.

Self-medication is just a stopgap to healing. Marijuana in particular seems to bring relief to many. I smoked it in high school and college but was addicted to alcohol. But self-medication only brings temporary symptom relief. It does nothing to process the trauma.

Is your son seeing a trauma therapist? EMDR, yoga, meditation, and art therapy have been proving very successful treatments for many of us.

Does he like art? If so, if it was my son, I'd try to get him in an art class. The bilateral stimulation of using different 3d mediums, such as clay, paper machaie and metal working can bring about some really good healing effects when it's difficult to find the words.

Keep reading, sharing, and assuring yourself that you're a good Mom for continuing to seek help for him.

 

[LostMom]

Thank you for answering!! You have no idea how much this means to me!!

To answer some of the questions:

RainyDaze: I always consider the possibility of him lying because he does just that....he lies. He will lie to avoid confrontation and have his "case" or "point" shown in the best light. He is no angel and we do not tolerate lying in our home. He has lied about not using or stopping for years and now is trying to be "open" about it with me so I can understand his use. IMO, lying is a character flaw and not a cute one at that. And you hit the nail on the head at to how I feel about the marijuana usage. It is a temporary band-aid. The problem is I don't think he has it in him right now to keep continuing with therapy. He has been in therapy for several months out of the year since age 9. I am coming to the conclusion that no one can be counseling out of PTSD until they are ready to deal with every ugly memory hiding in the corner in their minds.

Lucycat: I am coming to that conclusion, too. It may not be my place. As a mother I want to make this all better but of course that is not possible. I see that now. I can not take away any of what he has experienced and am wondering if I just need to step back and let him find his own way in this process? That if I stop pushing the issue, one day he will come to the conclusion that he NEEDS to fight those demons and will take them head on. IMO, no one can be forced into therapy. It has to be wanted and embraced and worked hard.

Bloom: He stopped EMDR for the time being. He says he can't handle reliving it. That he wants to stop looking back and move forward. He is very active in martial arts though which is his version of meditation, I guess. He is soley focused on it while he is doing it and you can literally see the stress drain away from his body. He becomes lighter, more confident and I try to support that by taking him to tournaments to complete and classes to train.

 

[presentjoy]

He stopped EMDR for the time being. He says he can't handle reliving it. That he wants to stop looking back and move forward. He is very active in martial arts though which is his version of meditation, I guess. He is soley focused on it while he is doing it and you can literally see the stress drain away from his body. He becomes lighter, more confident and I try to support that by taking him to tournaments to complete and classes to train.

The martial arts seems key.

Initially I was going to suggest that perhaps it was better if he were able to access medical marijuana in a state that allows it, that some strains are certainly much more potent, or have different effects like increased anxiety or paranoia, but that some really do have the effect he's describing. However illicit sources aren't going to be reliable or even safe. It's possible that a period of time medicating with marijuana with a doctor's help isn't a bad thing, especially if he's trying to take a break from working so hard on therapy. Those were initial thoughts.

Not that he couldn't do martial arts and marijuana, but my guess is that if he wanted to be competitive in it, he'd have to stop smoking pot. And the teachers there would probably agree, it's not healthy because it alters the mind. Combative and non-combative martial arts want a clear mind, clear awareness. See things as they are. If he connects with this modality, it could be possible to see if the medical models from that tradition is also something he connects with. The principles in martial arts can support his healing. But it depends on the specific martial art he's doing, and if there's a broader community where you're living (access to chinese medicine doctors). I'm not suggesting you go alternative medical routes, but suggesting that perhaps he can explore immersing himself in the martial arts and see where that goes.

Does he have a martial arts teacher who is like a mentor? Or I wonder if he would benefit from an immersive/residential school with martial arts program, where he can really focus on it without access to marijuana? It's a long shot, but it's possible that while pot is really helping him, it's also maybe tied up in being 16 and social stuff too.

When he's ready to face the demons, the martial arts path will only help him have the mental strength and agility to deal with them.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Honestly I don't know much about pot, but from the ONE documentary I saw, they bred the "high" part out of pot (for kids, mainly with seizures and such) and it works fantastically. So I don't buy the. "It needs both parts to work" bit. But hey, I know next to nothing about pot other than my friends warning me to stay away because they know I couldn't handle the newer stronger stuff that is a LOT stronger than what they smoked in high school.

He is avoiding and won't heal with avoidance. Those of us who take drugs mainly do so because symptoms are so bad that without them we couldn't function or go to therapy. We don't take them just to move forward. Sadly it doesn't work like that.

I think your son is stuck in a cycle of suffering/denial/avoidance. This is an Acceptance and Commitment therapy concept. Until he decides to seek help (therapy), this cycle will continue. If he heals he could be pot free at some point. Otherwise he'll just end up being a slave to the green to make those bad feelings go away.

He may have to hit rock bottom first before seeking help. I wish you the best.

 

[just keep swimming]

Bloody weed, I hate the stuff and I have lived on it since 13. At now 35 my last joint was around 3 weeks ago. I am in England and i have heard medical weed is prescribed to treat people with problems that can not be resolved, to help where their physical pain is so very bad.

Have you read my post? 'childhood abuse and drug addiction' I like what everyone has said above, I feel I would like to share my thoughts on this..

For starters, his brain is still not fully formed, He is taking risks which could well affect his future life and well being. Of course his terrible experiences are going to shape him in life, but weed is NOT in my mind, any answer what so ever. What would he do if weed did not exist?
Does this mean if he gets into other drugs, they are o'k because of his terrible experiences? NO.. Does it mean if he becomes a alcoholic in time to come, that is o'k also??? NO WAY.
I appreciate his age and things are hard but this is the easy way out that i took, I never had a Mum like you, as much as that is all i ever wanted, he is one lucky boy to have you. I would have rebelled against such care from you. I would have found a way to get away with being stoned 24/7.. I'd even have you paying for it.

You mention rehab and him being hooked. Are you going to spend your life making excuses for his every action, because he had it rough? I think he is having no choice but to lie to you, his defense's against facing his 'demons' are paving the way to god knows what. Perhaps i am wrong.

As a Father myself, with him being 16. I would put him in rehab while you still have parental control. You will have no say over what he does in very near future. He may hate you for it, so be it. He will have to dry out from the weed and go from there.
If he is that hooked, in my mind you have already lost him. Do anything you can to get him off weed.

It is no answer for his troubles, it will only create more.

My deepest sympathy for you lost Mum. These are my thoughts.

 

[nursenurse]

There is medical evidence which says that weed is detrimental to teens. I don't want to get into any debates here, but 16 years old is much too young to be putting that kind of stuff into your body, never mind starting at age 12. He may be able to talk circles around you, but he needs to get his facts straight regarding his age group. And you need to be the parent and insist on care and rehab for him. At the very least, if he fails, you know you will have tried.

 

[just keep swimming]

Yes,Yes, and YES nursenurse. The affects of weed when smoked from young (i was 13) are completely known and so many prices paid with mental health.

I know so many adult messes in life because they could not cope with there problems, or even knew what there problems were. At least your son and you know exactly what the demons are........

I would rather regret doing something than nothing at all..

There is so much on the web about it. Television program's made.

Black market products, bring black market problems.