Asking Why And Hating A Lot

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

After church today there was a going away party for some members. It got really loud. I fled to outside. I couldn't stand it. I wanted to sit somewhere quiet outside, but there were already a couple of people there and I felt like I was intruding so I wandered the parking lot.

On the way back, we drove by my therapist's new office. I was able to see where to park and where the door is. It's at her house so it was really weird for me to be driving by. I felt like I was stalking her. My husband thought this would be helpful and I guess it was, but I am freaking out more now.

When we got home from church my younger son was tired and his brother shut him out of his room so he came to me crying. I held him and rocked him. And I realized that my baby was 7 months old when my life fell apart. I suddenly realized that I have been living like this for almost 2 years. And I cried and cried right along with my 2 year old.

All I want to do is be alone. I hate so much right now. I know I have been here before and I know it will pass, but I am not doing well. I HATE this feeling of sadness. I hate not feeling like I fit in anywhere. I hate that I feel like I am missing life and that I I feel like there is nothing I can do about it. I try, but trying doesn't seem to be getting anywhere. I just keep wanting to hide away more and more. And I feel guilty that I put all the burden on my husband and then I hate myself more. I just want to get to "better", but I don't believe there ever will be a "better". And so I just keep asking why? Why me? Why anyone? Why?

 

[SwordsPandaGirl]

Sorry you are feeling this way. I wish I could make it go away, make the sadness go and everything to be perfect with just the snap of my fingers. All I can say is that I can relate to the way you are feeling. I cant stop the sadness and I seem to be questioning everything in life. Especially why me.
I hope you feel better soon. Keep your chin up. Massive panda hugs if you accept them :hug:

 

[Recovery4Me]

Keep posting, courageous woman! It sounds like a catharsis with your shedding of tears and all those tender raw feelings! When is your next T visit sweetie? Are you going once a week or twice a week at this time?

Yes, I am so sad this is happening to you, yet tentatively excited for your appearance of movement on your stuffed feelings. If you think this stinks just bop me one.:dead: Feeling anger rather than depression is such a huge step for many teacher types. You are allowing your strength to shine within your openness & vulnerability by standing up for yourself. Bravo!

Within the right time for you, the healing will prevent you from being stuck in anger. However, for me I found the scary emotion of anger was very important for me to acknowledge while recovering my empowerment from my broached boundaries. Perhaps it maybe similar for you in time.

But for now big hugs.:hug:

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Recovery4Me - My next appointment is tomorrow. I go twice a week right now- have been for a year. I am scared though that tomorrow's location is going to mess up any chance of actual therapy progress. At least I can write how I feel so at least my therapist will know (she almost always reads my journal).

 

[scout86]

My T says that I'm not "allowed" to ask myself "why?". He says I can ask HIM, if I absolutely have to, but that he'd prefer it if I looked for "better questions". Most of the time, there IS no answer to "Why?" But you know that, because kids ask it all the time.

It really sounds like you've made progress lately, in spite of the challenges. It probably doesn't seem like it to you, but it's hard to hate yourself and acknowledge your progress at the same time.

I am scared though that tomorrow's location is going to mess up any chance of actual therapy progress.

If the location is a problem, then maybe making it through the session is enough "progress".

Here's something else my T has said a few times that you might want to think about. He says that he prefers a sailboat to a speedboat. That you may not reach the destination as quickly, but it's a much more interesting trip. Sometimes we can try so hard to "make progress" that we get in our own way. You are making progress as fast as you can. That's enough.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@scout86 - I know making it through the session today will be "progress", but I am struggling so much right now I know that simply making it through the session will not help that. I e-mailed my therapist yesterday though and told her how freaked out I am feeling so at least she will know and maybe she can find a way to breakthrough the silence.

I am just in a bad spot these days. I cut, just a little, last night. I have only cut twice this summer. There have been tons of other things, but the cutting has been holding off. That's why I want to figure out a way through this low, I don't want to go back to cutting. My last low almost ended me in the hospital and I REALLY want to avoid that.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve

I found that as a codependent teacher (now in solid recovery) I would go through heaven and hades for my students, but put myself on the back burner being conditioned as a child through terror to serve. So this is what I was taught to do in therapy ...save my own butt first. Self care is not the same as selfish.

What would you tell yourself if you were the perfect mother, loving/inspirational teacher, rock solid mate of yourself? Can you tap into that channel or person that is the nurturer and altruistic for so many others?

I often have to look inside and nurture myself, fight the inner critic to stop judging me, stop the spiral of feeling out of control and grab or create a life raft. I am afraid sometimes as I fall or the room spins. I have to dig deep to connect myself to my spirituality and draw a slow breath. If I am the constant within all things in my world, I must anchor in. I strive deep to find that center.

Often as the entire room is spinning around, all I need is just one kernel of floor to place my cane for grounding. I let the rest do as it wishes. I focus, breath into that little area and know...it WILL be ok. I can ride it out. The fear can be replaced with faith in myself and my Higher Power.

Some people look in the mirror and say positive things. I can't do that all the time yet (weirdly shy). So IF you want to share, what would you say to yourself? Where is that kind, forgiving and loving voice for you?

Here is mine for you- I believe that for what is happening within you, you are totally awesome!
I believe life falls apart at times because it needs to be put back together as the old skin is no longer working. I believe that you are like the magical Phoenix and will rise whole in time.

But in this moment of transformation...you are enough and beautifully strong.:hug: jmho

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Some people look in the mirror and say positive things. I can't do that all the time yet (weirdly shy). So IF you want to share, what would you say to yourself? Where is that kind, forgiving and loving voice for you?
Here is mine for you- I believe that for what is happening within you, you are totally awesome!
I believe life falls apart at times because it needs to be put back together as the old skin is no longer working. I believe that you are like the magical Phoenix and will rise whole in time.

Um, I don't have that voice in me yet. I can't do it. I freak out. My therapist gently tries to guide me there, but I freak out in someway to avoid that. Every now and then I get a great moment when i feel strong and hopeful and Like I can do anything. Now is not that time and I can't remember how to do it.

I love your words for me. I love the reference to the phoenix. I will try to hold onto those words and believe them. Maybe I will write them on one of the cards that I am working on to help me with calming and grounding.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I guess I survived my appointment- I made it there and back. Both were very hard. I was very self-conscious of leaving her house- I felt like all the neighbors (all 1 of them, that you can't even really see) were staring at me and thinking "there's a crazy one". It took about an hour for me to feel okay about being there. I couldn't even sit down at first. I could see her bookshelves and that might be a problem. I have this thing when I see shelves of books (like in someone's house or office), I have to read every title over and over again. The good thing was it gave me something to focus on as I got used to being there. Three of my parts came out and one of them did not like it there. I think it reminds her of the room where the trauma took place, but I don't know because I don't know where that was. Anyway, I made it through, talked a little, but I guess most importantly made it through.

 

[digger]

My therapist had to change locations earlier this year and it has taken me a long time to get used to the new space (I'm still not completely used to it but I'm finding more positives and familiarity with it now). My therapist was very aware that I found the move difficult and has been very good about trying to make the space 'safe' for me....

I could see her bookshelves and that might be a problem. I have this thing when I see shelves of books (like in someone's house or office), I have to read every title over and over again.

....she actually moved her bookcase for me so it wasn't in my eyeline any more because I found it too difficult/distracting. It might be worth considering asking her to screen off the books somehow, or move where you sit if it's a problem.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@digger - I may have to ask her to screen them off somehow. She can't really move the shelf. It's too small. I don't know how long it will take me to get used to it. It took me months to get used to her other place and I was finally getting "comfortable" with it.