Assertive Or Rude

[Springer80]

'The last time I didn't visit them for quite a while, they brought up the fact that they let me live with them after my suicide attempt and now I don't even bother to visit.'
'I don't want to cross the line and hurt other people's feelings for the sake of my own either'.


Hi PirateLady,

I just wanted to put those two lines together because WOW is this situation one sided! Personally I wouldn't give a stuff about being rude to them, except that all you want is a quiet and respectful distance from their manoeuvring and being rude will only give them something more to whine about.

Instead of thinking what do you have to do to get em off your back can you think about what you want to do regardless of them. Don't go if you don't want to, just say you need a break. Of course changing the tide will mean they wont like it and you'll have to keep to it until they get the message, like you would with a tantrum throwing two year old :mad:!! A good image to visualise, makes em less scary!

Good Luck and whatever you manage is fine....:)

 

[p-no]

Piratelady, maybe you could reread (and maybe re-reread...) your own post. Pretend a bit to be reading it as if it were from one of us and see what that makes you feel. Then come back to you. (If you can.) This has been helping me tremendously because it got me to understand that all those words about the stress and pain I would let myself into were really my own truth. I would actually face all that bad when going. I would have told someone else not to go. So I started telling myself by doing that "mind bend" starting with my own posts. You are giving yourself a lot of stress if you go. You are taking your own boundaries down too. That makes me a bit sad, I must say.

 

[PTSD sufferer]

I think there is a bit of transaction imbalance here, trust me, I know what it is as I experience it all the time.

Transactional imbalances occur when one party acts the role of the 'parent' and the other the role of the 'child', rather than an 'adult' to 'adult' social interaction. When people are in the 'parent' mode it forces you to react in a 'child' mode - like argument and rebellion. It is hard to try to achieve an 'adult' to 'adult' communication when others flip between 'parent' and 'child' roles. The parent being the instructional and critical behaviours you have experienced and the child role being the 'you don't love me reaction'.

Sometimes, to rebalance to an 'adult' to 'adult' conversation, you need to let what they say go and modify the role you are playing to adult type responses. Telling her to 'shut up' is a child reaction. So perhaps the adult reaction would be to say 'have you been feeling lonely lately?' and you are right we don't spend enough time together and I am grateful for your support in the past. It would be good if we can continue to support each other, even if sometimes it is from a distance'.

If the reaction is more of a guilt trip, which some of it seems to be, then they are probably in child mode. So you need to bring it up to adult mode again. Old people are lonely and insecure. If you remember this then perhaps you can instigate the appropriate 'adult' to 'adult' conversation and the mood will change?

The guilt trips should be ignored as they are a sign of others trying to control the social interaction and normalise a situation. They only work and hurt if you feel guilty. I would try to bring the conversation back to adult to adult transaction and say, 'that was a really tough time and it can be hard to find good people you can rely on in times of genuine crisis. I think I would do the same thing for others in agenuiencee time of crisis, perhaps the world would be a better place if we could all do that and sustain the kindness. Do you think society is able to sustain acts of kindness to fellow humans?'

it's a deflection technique really. But perhaps role playing with your supporter some ways to bring the conversation back to adult to adult topics might help prepare for the event. Then apply Blooms tool kit during and after debrief about how things went and what worked and what you could try next time.

Hope that makes sense and helps a bit...

 

[piratelady]

Thanks PTSDSufferer. Your comments made a lot of sense to me. I will have to re-read it again to fully digest it. Thank you again for taking the time to write all that out. :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hang in there Piratelady, You will do what you think is best. I believe in you. I am wishing you the best. Big hugs.

 

[Eleanor]

Can't improve on any of the above. I would just pass along that spending time with difficult family members is considered "Very Advanced Practice" by Buddhist types seeking enlightenment and virtue, and that masters often give people the advice that spending time with family should be entered into very cautiously. And that one should make the visit only as long as one can maintain one's equanimity and calm with the outcome being positive. Say, five minutes. Maybe less for your grandmother.

If you go (and I'm not saying you should) it would probably be a good idea to dominate the conversation. For example: "Grandma! Happy Birthday. My you are looking well. How wonderful that all these people have come to celebrate your birthday. Did I tell you about (short happy anecdote). I just wanted to tell you that because I knew how pleased you would be for (me or whomever.) OH MY look at the time. I am so sorry I have to run, so and so is waiting for me. Gosh it was great to see you! Happy birthday again! Hug hug. Kiss kiss. Bye bye!" and then hightail it for the door. It might not even take five minutes. Talk fast, and don't let her get in a word. Leave someone in the car outside with the engine running. Anyone tries to derail you - "OH, I'd love to stay and chat, but I just can't. We'll catch up later." :D:ninja::cool: Then go have that bath... or whatever.

All perfectly polite and pleasant. You've done your duty. And you may very well escape unscathed. And VIOLA you will have engineered a pleasant interaction with your family. :tup:

You have to work with what you have.

 

[BloomInWinter]

...and remember, nobody has the God-like power of being able to make us feel anything without our consent.

When my family used to try to make me feel guilty, and I did, it was because I allowed it to.

When they tried to make me feel guilty and I said to myself 'I have nothing to feel guilty about'...it broke the chain inside me.

Then, I continued to break away until I realized I never could spend time with them without getting bronchitis or the flu afterwards...so I stopped wasting my life on obligations thaat weren't healthy.

You always have choices, and you can change your mind at any time. :)

 

[piratelady]

Bloom - once again you are full of useful knowledge. I have to say, I never thought of my feelings as happening because I allow them. I have always felt as though I was made to feel a certain way. I like the idea of having control over how I feel...I'm not sure why I never thought about that before. Thank you.


My mom called again tonight - sounds like she may not be able to come out. One bullet dodged! I love her dearly but I just really need a break from her. If I could only sacrifice one day of my vacation from work to family rather than 2 or 3 I think that would help me greatly. I think this all might turn out ok after all. I am starting to feel like I can breathe again.

 

[piratelady]

Well I got off the phone with my mom a bit ago. She is coming out for Labor Day weekend. Apparently, the "party" for my Grandma is just a dinner, so she is going to spend most of the time with me. She hasn't been out here since I left my ex. She wants to see my apartment and spend some time with me here. Ugh, that almost makes me more nervous than seeing my Grandma. I am so nervous that she won't like my home or how things are for me now. I don't know...I am just very very worried.

 

[Eleanor]

So if she doesn't like it... tell her she is entitled to her opinion, and now she can go home. If YOU like it that's what counts. She doesn't have to like it. It is not her home. It is not her life.

Good guests find something nice to say (even if they have to search around a bit.) They care more about you than about theirs. Just saying'...

 

[BloomInWinter]

You are under no obligation to let her see, or stay, at your apartment - unless you want to.

Also...you are under no obligation to be the entertainment for her, unless you want to.

There is a continuum full of choices you have that you can choose and change at any time. "Yes, I'll let her stay, but I will not speak about ..." or "I'll stay in with her and try to get along but if I feel uncomfortable, I'll go to bed early."

One of the things that I've noticed over the years is that it's the kind-hearted people who get dumped on in families until they get so psychologically warn out or get help that they suffer a LOT just to 'make peace in the family.'

You didn't make the war, you don't have to broker the peace. If you choose to spend time with her, you are in charge and it's only your wants/needs you need to honor, barring intent to harm behaviors.

It's good to prime your brain with "I have choices now. I am an adult and I am in charge of my life."

Good luck! Set your expectations of them low. :>

 

[piratelady]

I think my biggest fear about my mom and step-dad coming out here is that they haven't been here since my divorce. No one knows what I went through in my marriage. I know my fear is irrational, but I am afraid that by her being here she will be able to see through me and how I am trying to appear okay even though I'm not.