Assertive Or Rude

[Saturnine]

*big hugs* I don't have the words right now but i'm reading and I understand you here.. about someone comes in to your private and make you feel insecure..

 

[Eleanor]

Piratelady - sorry if I'm just underinformed - are you protecting you or them by not letting them know that you are not ok? If they are really the sort of people that would give you a hard time because you are going through legitimately difficult things... Well, that's reason right there not to keep them in your house. Have them come over for lunch and dinner - but they should stay in a motel. You are entitled to keep you boundaries and sense of security. Bloom is right.

 

[piratelady]

My therapist asked me the exact same question last week. No one knows what I have been through. I am still struggling with it myself, and the thought of telling someone and all the questions they will ask nearly gives me a panic attack. I tried to tell my friend once and it didn't go well. I haven't had the nerve to try to tell anyone else. My mom - She wouldn't give me a hard time. She would ask me a lot of questions that I just can't answer. One being "Why?"

They are staying in a hotel so I do have that. My plan is to give them a short tour of my apartment and then go shopping, eat out, and whatever else I can think of to keep them occupied :) I am going to do some looking for more activities for us.

 

[Eleanor]

I'm glad you are taking care of yourself and having them stay elsewhere! And way to be pro-active finding non-home things to do/places to be. I'm sorry the attempt with your friend didn't go well - lots of people just don't know/have no or only bad experiences and models for dealing with them. And then, people who care about you are likely to want to "ride off to the rescue" and go do something retributive to the abuser. Sigh. Lots off opportunities for missteps here... In any case it is your decision and your choice, when you feel ready to talk, that's plenty of time.

Just because someone asks a question doesn't mean you are obliged to give an answer to that question. You can answer another one, if you like. Answer the question they should have asked "How can I help you?"

For example: q: "What happened exactly?" A: "I don't want to spend our time together talking about this right now. What would help me most is to focus on the present and having a nice day. (big smile)" The exception to this in with your t - when she asks a question - since you are paying her to do that - it is probably a good idea to at least try to answer it, at least for yourself, even if you don't want to share the answer with her right then.

Easy answer to "why" : "You are asking the wrong person. You'd have to ask my abuser."

 

[piratelady]

I am trying to stay focused on the positive and not let my anxiety get out of control. My mom and step-dad will be here on Friday night, but I won't see them until Saturday. My mom was having trouble finding a hotel for the price she wanted to pay, but I found one for her today.

She has a lot of things she wants to do on Saturday. She is going to talk to my step-dad so he can go car shopping with me so I don't get screwed. I am glad for that and it will be something that isn't "girly" lol.

I am not at all confident in my abilities to handle this weekend well. I misunderstood my mom and thought she wanted to have dinner at my house on Saturday. I nearly had a panic attack when I got the text message and yet I still replied, "Sure!" ...*sigh*...luckily it was a misunderstanding. Two dinners... just two dinners with my Grandma. I will re-review the tips on this thread before I go and hope I can do this. What I wouldn't give for some anxiety meds right about now.

 

[piratelady]

Well I just finished spending the day with my mom and step-dad. It didn't go too badly. We went car shopping together. Didn't buy a car, which is good, since they didn't offer a good deal :)

I mentioned off hand that I was worried about my Grandma / how she would act and what she would say. I didn't even realize I said anything. My mom asked my step-dad if he heard me and she repeated what I said. He told me something that I found very helpful. He said, "Well you know exactly what she is going to say. Since you know now you can prepare yourself for it, you're not going to be blindsided by it." Then they each asked me how I planned to respond to the different things my Grandma would say. I never thought I would be rehearsing conversations with my family, lol.

 

[Innordinate]

My grandma will be there (obviously, lol) and she is so awful to me. She insists I am "different" now, too fat, that I concentrate too much on work, and she also rubs my failed marriage in my face, and my past mistakes that brought me here. The rest of my extended family will be there as well...which is a huge stressor for me.

My mom hasn't decided whether or not she is coming.On the other hand I seriously need a break.

I told my mom if she doesn't come out neither she nor I will ever hear the end of it. Every time I go out there it will be "Why did you mom come out for Grandpa's birthday and not mine? Don't you guys love me too?" etc etc.... My mom said, "Just look her in the eye and tell her to shut up" I laughed and she informed me she was being completely serious. That seems like it's crossing the line into rude?

I really can't handle having my mom come out here or a day with my Grandma. It seems more of my time off work is going to be stressful thanks to my family. After how badly if affected me in June, hearing the criticism from my brother, I don't want a repeat of it now. I am worried about how this will go, but at the same time I don't want to cross the line and hurt other people's feelings for the sake of my own either.

Ok, first... it's your step-grandma right? So, obviously...someone in her relationship has been married before neh? So... someone else's first marriage didn't work out so good. Perhaps evil hag lady is pointing out your flaws to keep attention off her own...yeh? Not that it's good to point that out to her but sometimes people need to be 'put in their place' so to speak at least once. Sarcasm works really good here because it can look to other people like a joke and at the same time BURRRN!! :) . eg) she's bugging you about your failed marriage 'oh, grandma, you of all people should know ...it happens sometimes, ...doesn't it?'

Next thing.. you say you don't want your mom there because you need the break but then you remind her that she should be there.

And third... you won't have much of a life if you're always worried about hurting other peoples feelings. Sometimes you have to look after yourself first. Not always, but sometimes.

 

[piratelady]

I think the issue with my grandma is more of an illness or something. Her meds were adjusted a while back (at least I think that's what my Grandpa meant when he said, "He got my Grandma squared away again"). She is a new person. Gentle, sweet, almost..she seems kind of needy and vulnerable. Talk about Jeckyl and Hyde.

Mark, regarding your third point. I am starting to see that as well, just having trouble deciding when to look after myself and when to be careful of other people's feelings. I've only every tried to make everyone else happy. Even to the point of being honest with my mom that if she didn't come out here for my Grandma's milestone birthday that it would hurt my Grandma's feelings and just start a pile of crap... Ugh, anyway, lots of think about...more mulling to do.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Wishing you the best Piratelady. You have alot of tough choices to make. I wish you peace of mind to guide you in your choices. Big hugs.

 

[piratelady]

I just wanted to thank everyone for all the advice and tools. I think it went as well as it could have. I am proud of how I handled myself and came out of it with minimal...problems. It really helps to be prepared with tools and stuff. Thank you all again!!:hug: