Assertive Or Rude

[piratelady]

I have to say my anxiety level is sky rocketing. My grandma's birthday is in the beginning of September and I've officially been invited to the surprise party and I am committed to going.

My grandma will be there (obviously, lol) and she is so awful to me. She insists I am "different" now, too fat, that I concentrate too much on work, and she also rubs my failed marriage in my face, and my past mistakes that brought me here. The rest of my extended family will be there as well...which is a huge stressor for me.

My mom hasn't decided whether or not she is coming. She doesn't like my Grandma since she is rude to my mom as well. My mom and I just got off the phone where we discussed her coming out here. She said that she is thinking about it and will let me know. On one hand it would be nice to have some support in dealing with my Grandma. On the other hand I seriously need a break.

I told my mom if she doesn't come out neither she nor I will ever hear the end of it. Every time I go out there it will be "Why did you mom come out for Grandpa's birthday and not mine? Don't you guys love me too?" etc etc.... My mom said, "Just look her in the eye and tell her to shut up" I laughed and she informed me she was being completely serious. That seems like it's crossing the line into rude?

I really can't handle having my mom come out here or a day with my Grandma. It seems more of my time off work is going to be stressful thanks to my family. After how badly if affected me in June, hearing the criticism from my brother, I don't want a repeat of it now. I am worried about how this will go, but at the same time I don't want to cross the line and hurt other people's feelings for the sake of my own either.

 

[catjudo]

My mom said, "Just look her in the eye and tell her to shut up" I laughed and she informed me she was being completely serious. That seems like it's crossing the line into rude?

IMO, telling your grandmother to "shut up" is crossing the line to rude. Assertive would be telling your grandmother that you are at the party and if she wants to know why your mom isn't there she should be having that conversation with her, not you. (or something along those lines...use your own words).

 

[Nighthawk]

I am sorry you have to put this unwanted and unwarranted stress on you plate. I hate when I am cornered into situations like this. The thought of my mother coming in September is a huge stress for me. I'd like to say go and stay as far away from your grandma as possible. Then again all your family will be there.:eek: I hope you have an exit strategy in place.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Piratelady, I sure feel for you in your dilemna. I hope you can make some plans to make you feel safe while dealing with your family. It does seem very stressful to you. I am at a loss of words to tell you.

I know you are torn about going. It will be so hard on you. You will probably have to spend some time recovering from being around them.

It is a boundry problem and your family does not seem to do boundries. You will probably have to take alot of breaks and go to a quiet room to gather your wits and yourself.

They sound so controlling of you. That must hurt. They seem to be the ones that are rude to you.

I wish you the best in dealing with this difficult situation. I know your family is really important to you. I hope you have plans to keep and remain calm. Big hugs.

 

[piratelady]

Thanks Catjudo. That makes me feel better, at least I know where the line is, even if I don't trust that I do. I just don't want to get walked all over and hurt, but I don't want to hurt her either. I think your suggestion sounds great.

NH: Sounds like we'll both be "enjoying" fun family time next month. I hope it is not too much of a stress on you with everything else going on. I do not have an exit strategy, but I could probably use one. I can only take family time in small bursts before I burn out and go insane.

Gizmo: Thanks. I will need time recovering after this. I have paid-time-off from work scheduled until the 9th. After June, I was hoping to spend all of this time on my own...no family. So, this is a big let down; but at least I have several days off after the party to regain my sanity.

My family is very controlling. I spent all of my teen years trying desperately to get away from them because of the constant criticism and control. It is too much for me to handle most of the time. Now, I am back with them and it is just like I'm a teenager all over again, lol.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((Piratelady)))))

When going around psychologically toxic environments, a good toolkit is essential.

Some items in mine...

- go late
- leave early
- take a safe person and have a signal to tell them when you've had enough
- if getting sucked in, pretend you have a call coming in, and walk away as you answer it as if it's an important call...and feel free to keep pretending to talk as long as you need to
- carry a talisman you can touch in your pocket
- pretend not to hear anything negative. No response...it just slides off and you don't let it stick

...and tell yourself 20 times before you walk in... 'I am an adult. I am here because I choose to be. When it's no longer fun, I will excuse myself and leave' or something that works for you.

 

[piratelady]

Thank you so much for sharing your tool kit with me! These suggestions are so helpful. You have some of the best tools for dealing with life :)

 

[BloomInWinter]

I stole 'em all over the years from amazing people. :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Why are you committed to going? Nobody says you must be around toxic people! Who cares if you went to your grandpa's party and not your grandma's? He's nice, she sounds like a witch!

So instead of setting your own boundaries, and becoming a healthier person, you are asking your mom to violate HER boundaries just to make you feel better? No offense, but this is about you. Stop using other people as a crutch when you need to stand up for yourself. Is it really fair to guilt your mom into seeing your grandma just because you can't stand up for yourself? No, it's not!

 

[Nicolette]

My mother sounds like you grandmother so I feel for you piratelady as I totally understand the struggle and the consequences. I know what you mean about becoming that teenager around your family.

It took almost 20 years from leaving home to realise it was okay not to go and I didn't have to make excuses, listen to the guilt trip nor then have to deal with the aftermath.

I am not telling you to go or not to go, that is your choice, the only thing which concerns me is at what cost this is to you from your comment:

I will need time recovering after this. I have paid-time-off from work scheduled until the 9th. After June, I was hoping to spend all of this time on my own...no family. So, this is a big let down; but at least I have several days off after the party to regain my sanity.

and

I really can't handle having my mom come out here or a day with my Grandma. It seems more of my time off work is going to be stressful thanks to my family. After how badly if affected me in June, hearing the criticism from my brother, I don't want a repeat of it now.

It sounds like a hefty price to pay.

What would be the impact if you didn't go and put your own welfare first?

 

[piratelady]

Why are you committed to going?

It appears I wasn't clear. I apologize. I wasn't sure if I was going to go but I spoke to my grandpa and, lets just say he made a very appealing argument.

So instead of setting your own boundaries, and becoming a healthier person, you are asking your mom to violate HER boundaries just to make you feel better? No offense, but this is about you. Is it really fair to guilt your mom into seeing your grandma just because you can't stand up for yourself? No, it's not!

Personally, I do not want my mother to come out here. I spent my last vacation with her and I need a break. Yes, I did tell her what the repercussions would be if she didn't because we were discussing the pros and cons of it.

It took almost 20 years from leaving home to realize it was okay not to go and I didn't have to make excuses, listen to the guilt trip nor then have to deal with the aftermath.

It sounds like a hefty price to pay.

What would be the impact if you didn't go and put your own welfare first?

It is a hefty price to pay. Initially, I wasn't going to go. Then my Grandpa called me and gave me a hard time about the fact that I haven't been out to visit since March. I followed my mother's advice and said I was too busy at work. That back-fired and he just made me feel more guilty. Couple that with my mother telling me to "just get it over with" because I need to go see them so they stop pestering her every week on the phone about the fact that I never visit.

If I didn't go, I imagine if would be more of the same, if not worse. They are good at laying on the guilt when I don't visit them regularly and telling me I'm not as good of a granddaughter as their other grandchildren. The last time I didn't visit them for quite a while, the brought up the fact that they let me live with them after my suicide attempt and now I don't even bother to visit.

 

[elykaniles]

I really can't handle having my mom come out here or a day with my Grandma. It seems more of my time off work is going to be stressful thanks to my family. After how badly if affected me in June, hearing the criticism from my brother, I don't want a repeat of it now. I am worried about how this will go, but at the same time I don't want to cross the line and hurt other people's feelings for the sake of my own either.

I am hearing such turmoil over this, why not stay home and take a bubble bath and treat yourself to a relaxing day, turn on your favorite music or go out for dinner and a movie with a friend. This is about keeping safe and healthy in your world, emotionally. Put your needs first and always remember if you are not happy change strategy to make it work. You can do it.