Relationship At an impasse

[drlight12]

I’m looking for some advice/different perspectives. I will try to keep this brief, but there are a lot of important details. My husband and I have been married for 15 years (together over 17) and he was diagnosed about 5 years ago. He has a complicated traumatic past that includes emotional neglect and abuse as a child, SA as a child, traumatic career ending injury about 11 years ago, and seeing many horrific things as a first responder. One of his most significant traumas involved a fire related death. We currently live in an area that has an active summer wildfire season. He has been begging me to move for the past couple of years. He believes that moving to an area without wildfires will significantly improve his symptoms (we have tried every intervention possible with minimal relief). He says the fires are his most significant trigger.

Here’s my side. Over the course of our relationship I have taken care of him physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially (for the past 8 years). Since his diagnosis he has not been able to support me in any way. I take care of us, our home and our pets. I have worked myself to the point of burnout to provide for him and help find any type of treatment we can. I have stood by him through every symptom/episode/flashback/dissociation. Some of these have been because of wildfires near us, many have not. Not too long ago, I had a string of bad luck and had to have 4 surgeries in the span of about 16 months. All of them left me with limited mobility. He was unable to care for me and we relied heavily on friends (family lives too far away). We have both struggled with his illness and I have worked hard to build a strong network of supportive friends over the past 5 years. These are people that I need for my own mental and emotional wellbeing, people I love and depend on. I have also reached a good point in my career that has taken years to build. The whole point is that I have worked hard to build as much of a happy life as I can where we are at. I am afraid to move somewhere new and be all alone and start from scratch. Moving by family is not an option.

We have fought for years over this. He has occasionally presented me with ultimatums of “move or we get divorced.” He never follows through with these threats. It feels as if I have to choose between myself and him.
Any guidance or words of wisdom? I love him and don’t want to lose him, but I can’t keep living this way. Do I chose what is already making me happy or take a chance that someplace new will make him the husband he wants to be and a partner I can rely on?

 

[parrotthepolly]

Avoidance of triggers is very common with PTSD and being a firefighter, of course living in an environment with the threat of wildfires will bring back memories, I mean who knows who else might die from the next one and you'll see their dismembered/ partially burned body and with all the insides that most people aren't prepared for and it'll leave a burning memory for those who saw it.

Moving might not completely heal him but will definitely help bring a peace of mind and safety from possibly triggers, although flashbacks still most like remain but it'll improve things for sure, since reactions to triggers are unexpected and brings a rush of shock/fear to the mix in an instant and from experience can leave me paralyzed in the moment depending on which one.

I'm aware there have been triggers from other things but 'home' shouldn't be one of them. Shouldn't he be getting money from disability and not relying entirely on you?

 

[arfie]

i am the identified patient in my 45 year marriage, but the dynamics of the relationship are achingly familiar. my dearly beloved and i have lived separately for a good many of our years together. in hindsight, we hold those separation years as the most important years of our relationship. those are the years where we learned to live and let live while proving to ourselves that family is bigger than a shared address.

nobody ever saved a drowning victim by drowning with them. if you are hurting yourself, you are probably not helping him. let your own, personal senses guide. easy does it, dr.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Fires happen everywhere. He can’t run from triggers.

 

[Asatantrosa]

this sounds like a really hard situation for both of you. I understand that your husband just wants to get away from his triggers and that you live in an area with increased risk for fires and that must be horrible for him and he is not capable to take care of and support himself at the moment? Is he triggered all the time? Is he depressed?
It’s really hard to have a real, mutual conversations with someone That’s depressed and triggered since all he wants is to get away and his mental state makes it really hard to use reason and feel empathy towards you. You are also a person and need community, safety and to be able to support yourself
I don’t think you should move away from your support system. I understand why you hesitate to do this but i also understand that your husband feels desperate and helpless. It sounds like he really needs professional help, is there some way he can get this through his former work as an EMT? Does he have family elsewhere or is he completely dependant on you?

 

[Friday]

He believes that moving to an area without wildfires will significantly improve his symptoms (we have tried every intervention possible with minimal relief). He says the fires are his most significant trigger.

Yep. That’s very true. For most people with certain types of trauma & PTSD, the only way to even begin to manage is to either go BACK (work his old job, which is sounds like won’t have him, which is an extra gutting/shameful/stressful thing, to be unable to go back), or to get the hell away. He’ll still be symptomatic, and may even get worse for a time… but it’s like trying to recover from rape, or abuse, whilst being raped, or abused, daily/ weekly/ seasonally/ etc. Until it’s POST trauma, and not ongoing? At best you’re treading water. Not recovering from.

If you were being raped, every day, during wildfire season… wouldn’t you wanna go somewhere without a wildfire season??? Not just for the avoiding being raped daily, for months on end, year after year; but also the anticipatory fear of it coming up on wildfire season, and the lost months of shame/pain after? <<< That’s how a helluva lotta combat vets feel about living near base, & first responders feel about living at “home”, once they’re off the job. Change EVERYTHING, in order to live well, and not live trapped in the past, and not eat your gun. >>> Again, symptoms/triggers/stressors WILL still happen. I get f*ckrd up every hurricane season I’m NOT working, 5k miles from hurricane zones. I volunteer some years, and am better for it. But I’m at my worst IN a hurricane and NOT working it. MOST Similar to how I was, when my husband decided to start drugging and raping me, the last year of our marriage, but I wasn’t leaving him. As staying was the only way I knew to protect our child. THATS how bad riding out hurricane season, and not working it, feels. Like active, ongoing, and repeated rape. Not just the physical violation, but the betrayal, from someone who I was supposed to trust, someone who supposedly loved me. BRUTALIZED. Drugged. Raped. Betrayed. That’s what accidentally being in a gulf-state, as a civilian, FEELs like.

A tremendous number of first responders just kill themselves rather than be trapped in that cycle. More? MOVE. Because they’re not fawning stupid, they get the hell out of dodge. Change EVERYTHING, and live a daaaayum good life. That they love, and are proud of, and can be themselves in. They’ll still get f*cked up from time to time, when they hear sirens or be unable to assist an active scene, but not struggle with suicidal impulse day in and day out.. because they’re home & not helping. New EVERYTHING. Climate, accents, sights, scents, smells. Boston to Florida. Hawaii to Chicago. Big city to small town. Retire? Or worse, medically retire??? MOVE. If you’re serious about wanting to live.

We have fought for years over this. He has occasionally presented me with ultimatums of “move or we get divorced.”

He must really love you.

So you’re worth the pain. So far. For now.

Someday? That pain will get too much, and he won’t think anything other than your life will be better with him gone, and he’ll off himself. Because it hurts too much to live. And hurts too much to leave you behind. Check mate. He dies. You live your life, the way you want to, where you want to, without him dragging you down, in pain & misery.

Statistically speaking.

Statistically speaking, after YEARS of you two fighting about moving? He’s also got a very serious addiction on board, to help him deal with the pain of staying put. Drugs, alcohol, gambling, adrenaline, self harm… anything to help provide soooooome relief.

Do I chose what is already making me happy or take a chance that someplace new will make him the husband he wants to be and a partner I can rely on?

Take. The. Damn. Chance.

If you love him. If not? Take out some stellar life insurance, and hope he offs himself in a way that doesn’t scream policy-negating suicide.

He’s too far gone? It doesn’t help? What’s the worst that can happen?… You move back.

You’re happy here, he’s miserable.

Don’t move somewhere YOU would be miserable and he’s happy.

Move somewhere you BOTH can be happy. Win/Win.