At Breaking Point With Combat PTSD Fiance

[Jenny]

Hi all,

I found this forum yesterday and have so far found it helpful. However, I am in the middle of dealing with an episode with my fiance. He has severe combat PTSD ... spent more than a decade doing things he won't even tell me about. For those who know anything about Army Ranger history, the Oct. 3 anniversary is a pretty big deal. It weighs heavily on his shoulders. Well, this past Sunday, I was taking care of my terminally ill grandfather and didn't recognize what the day was. Once I realized it was the 3rd, I immediately tried talking to my fiance. He generally has an episode this time every year. Well, he went full blown into one. Not unlike most of his episodes, it was directed at me. This time though, it was because I "forgot" that date. I didn't forget.. I just didn't realize it was that day already. We are supposed to get married in five months, but because I "forgot" he is saying I don't know him at all and he is questioning our relationship. This is tearing me a part. I feel like I am going crazy. We have been together six years and I have never once forgotten that date or the impact it has on him. I tried rationalizing with him, which obviously didn't work, and I let him know I have supported him every single day, and not to single out one error on my end because I was preoccupied with something else. I feel like I am at the breaking point with his PTSD and his outbursts. I love the man to death and want nothing more than to marry him, but I am emotionally drained right now. Is there a way I can constructively help him get past this? I'm not even sure I can at this point...


Thanks

 

[farmgirl]

I'm going through something similar with my husband. All angry outbursts are directed at me, and it is taking it's toll on my mental health. I am one step away from telling him to move out. I love him, but he will not get legitimate help, and will not follow doctor's orders when the DO try to help him. I cannot force him to do what is right. I can't take this anymore. The anger is just always right there on the surface, and I get blamed for everything that is wrong with the world in general. I have no peace in my own home. Hope somebody can give some advice, and SOON!

 

[faerie0101]

Reading your post, I just want to tell you that, as a PTSD sufferer, the worst effect for me is hurting the people that I love. I know that I sometimes do. It is a constant struggle not to push away the relationships that I so desperately need to support me. I think I do it because I would rather be responsible for it than victim of it. Some part of me fears that it is inevitable.

I have clearly told my partner that I would rather he leave than allow me to harm him. He is the only one who can define what he can handle. The same is true for you.

• You must be so strong and loving to embark on this crazy journey. I admire you.

• As for ways to get through things, I can tell you what I see my partner do.

• Remember that it is not your fault (when he is thinking clearly I am SURE he will tell you the same).

• Walk away for a day and do something for you when it begins to wear you down.

• Don't be afraid to say, "You are being irrational."

• And, sometimes, a wordless embrace is enough to bring someone back to the reality of a moment.

I know that everyone is different. I cannot imagine what it is like to be on the other side of these relationships. I just wanted to say thank you to you for your obvious care and effort. I hope that you find the things that work best for you and I hope that the one you love finds ways to manage his symptoms.

 

[horace51]

Jenny, as a sufferer I can assure you that the statement you make "I have supported him every single day, and not to single out one error on my end because I was preoccupied with something else" may well be true, but honestly when you are having a bad episode it becomes totally irrelevant, once the episode has passed it then becomes the thing that will bring about the next episode.

The guilt you feel because your partner has supported you and you have eaten them up for forgetting one little thing when they have supported you through thick and thin. Being a partner to someone with PTSD must be the hardest job on the planet. The sufferer not only feels bad because of normal human errors, they then feel bad because they over reacted to those normal human errors.

Please please, never tell you partner you understand what it must be like, honestly I thought I understood most things until I suffered from PTSD, unless you are a sufferer it is beyond anybodies understanding, and even then every sufferer is unique.

I am afraid that to be a partner of a PTSD sufferer requires incredible flexibility of character, you need to be hard when needed, soft when needed, but worst of all you need to work out when which reaction is needed, that is a huge problem. It can be done, my wife gets it right most times, not all, but most, but she does do an awful amount of tongue biting and to a great extent lets me lead her into how to react.

 

[HisBeautiful]

Horace how very accurate you are. I am the carer and they are many tongue biting days. I am learning each day which emotion and behavior needs which of my tolerances. Whether it be hard, soft or indifferent. Having an incredible flexible character is a very good way of putting it.

Jenny and FarmGirl my husband shared a quote with me this morning that I would love to share with you now. It is my hope that it helps the two you have some better understanding of what your husbands are going through. This has been a place of solace for me over the last few days and I hope that the two of you find that same solace. Below is the quote.

"Rage starts in the mind--but within a second the body responds with adrenalin, which makes the gut burn, the heart pound, and the muscles tense. These body changes send loud messages back up to the mind. For some veterans, the roar of the body drowns out all thought and shuts out everything else coming in. When adrenalin is roaring, it's impossible for most people to think clearly and to take in non-combat possibilities in the situation. This is the mind-body-mind vicious cycle. Is it really in my interests to rip this guy's lungs out? Is it really what I want to do? When adrenalin is roaring, these questions sometimes cannot be heard."

 

[ofsouthernwaters]

Wow thank you! I think you covered both sides of PTSD - as a carer and as a sufferer. I can see both sides and what a intellegent and caring person you are. After ll the "by the book" thoughts, you can still see the importance of a hug. A hug lasts a lot longer than a moment . . . dont ever forget that!

 

[Jenny]

Thank you for the encouragement. I suppose my biggest problem is not having to bite my tongue, but instead growing a thicker skin. I tend to take a lot of his reactions personally, when rationally, I know better. Nonetheless, it doesn't make it any easier.

Over the years, I have learnt to give him more space when needed, but I struggle with knowing when his episode starts and when it ends. Sometime, I feel like the communication is opening back up and he is out of his episode, and then he will jump right back into it. He gets very angry and shuts me out for days. It usually takes a good 4-5 days for him to get past it. The waiting is sometimes the hardest part for me.

Thankfully, during that time, he does tell me he is keeping his distance to prevent himself from saying something he will regret.

I suppose I just need more time to learn how to manage this beast.