Relationship At My Wits End

[blue_eyes18]

I'm at my wits end. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I feel so frustrated, I actually just sat down and cried my eyes out.

Sometimes my relationship can be so wonderful. She can be the most kind and compassionate woman I've ever met and the best girlfriend. Then the next week she's a completely different person.

I feel so lost. I have no control over anything. I'm expected to always be a saint and I always try my best but I just can't seem to hold it together anymore. I'm expected to just handle her moods all the time and whatever crap she throws my way, I'm supposed to know how to deal with it and with grace and dignity at that. But some of the time, I just want to grab her and shake her.

I know if I responded in the way I often times feel inside, like with anger at justifiable situations, she will punish me. The times I've really ever been upset with her for something she's done, and I've outwardly conveyed it, she's responded by punishing me. She doesn't ever allow me to feel what I feel. When I feel something like frustration or anger at her behavior, she gets raging mad and then says incredibly hurtful things. Incredibly hurtful. So she's conditioned me to never let my true feelings show. I hold them all in until I implode. I never explode because I never let her see that side of me. I implode on myself and feel it all inwardly. And what kills me is that I'm never allowed to feel anything, but yet she can feel whatever she wants. If she wakes up and has a bad day for reasons unknown, she can express her frustrations and anger. She can yell at me and take it out in me because I just deal with it. But I can't have the same in return. Not one bad day. She can have countless bad days filled with horrible moods but god forbid I have one.

I'm so tired of being punished for expressing my feelings. I'm so tired of feeling that I will be made to suffer if I have a bad day. I can't deal with it anymore. I can't hold my anger inside anymore. It's killing me from the inside out. She just sometimes doesn't seem capable of recognizing that I, too, have feelings. And then when I feel I can't take anymore, she comes back to the loving wan I fell in love with.

What can I do? I'm so frustrated and filled with anxiety. I need help. Do I walk away? I need opinions.

 

[Fadeaway]

Well, since my husband is vehemently denying that he wrote this although he has it is near word for word what he says to me when we are arguing, I might as well respond. (read your post to him and he said "Stop stealing my lines")

I am the victim of child abuse, CSA and severe domestic violence. The last one makes it hard for me to be in a relationship. I swore I would never be in one again when I met my husband, but he changed all that.

Because of my past there are times my emotions override logic. I am not the person he married because of it. I behave in ways that embarrass me and cause guilt and shame. I don't have the proper tools yet to learn how to control the panic attacks and dissociation but I am learning.

Unfortunately, because of child abuse and domestic violence I don't handle anger at all. I immediately go into defense mode. My husband will tell me he feels like he is being punished for what other people have done to me. I am just trying to cope with the barrage of emotions, fear and panic that anger initiates. I am back in that place where I was being abused. Logically, I know that I am not, that my husband would never lay a hand on me, but my body and emotions tell me differently.

The problem with him expressing his feeling is guilt, this overwhelming guilt that I caused the man that I love to feel this way. It hurts me so much once again, I don't react well. then I feel guilty for not reacting well and it creates this huge vicious cycle of guilt, which causes more damage, which leads to more guilt. So I tell him not to tell me these things to avoid that cycle.

There are times I can handle him telling me how he feels, but other times I can't. He just always seems to choose times where my anxiety is high or I am struggling with some other symptom of PTSD. Mostly when we are arguing. A lot of times I just don't handle stress well. Disgustingly enough (I say disgustingly because that is how I feel about my self over the situation) his emotions cause me stress because I feel responsible for them. I don't want him to feel like he does or for him to feel like he can't tell me. If I didn't care so much about his feelings it wouldn't be a problem. I know on the outside it looks exactly like what you described with you girlfriend, but on the inside, another war is going on and what you see on the outside is just a poor reaction to that.

Don't forget that if she is the victim of child abuse or domestic violence, someone else having a bad day ban signal all sorts of danger warning signs, rational or not.

As far as expressing emotions, my husband has gotten much better at trying to get a feel for my anxiety and distress level before expressing his feelings. It is not fair that he has to do this. I hate that I put him in that spot, but that is why I am in therapy, so I can learn better coping techniques and work through the issues that are causing me to put him through this. It is getting better as I learn healthy ways of coping.

So my advice to you is don't hide your feelings, but don't choose times that she is symptomatic, assess her mood first. If you have something you need to get off your chest, ask her about her anxiety levels and if they are high, let her know you would like to express your self (use those words specifically) and ask her to let you know when it is a safe time for you to do so.

Make sure she is in therapy and support her in the therapy. That is the number one thing that my husband is doing, is going to make this better. He is very supportive and active in my therapy. He goes with me, waits outside if I need to discuss something with my therapist in private or he joins in as needed. By going to therapy with me, he gets a better understanding of what is going on with me and just knowing that he understands, helps me. He can also help remind me to use the coping techniques my therapist is teaching me when things get rough.

 

[blackswan]

@blue_eyes18 yup. Just... yup. Get out of my brain ;)

I'm sorry to hear that things are so difficult and fraught for you right now. It sounds like your relationship is really important to you and that you're doing all you can but feeling like you're not getting very far and not being heard... that's an ouch I can relate to.

Totally agree that getting help is a great idea :) it sounds like you have a lot bottled up in there that's threatening to boil over. One bottler to another, it's darn uncomfortable.

First point, have you considered seeing a trauma-informed couples counsellor? We're on a waitlist cause, like you, I'm finding it hard to overcome my fears of boyfriend's reaction to speak openly with him. For me, this is because high emotion = unsafe in my childhood home and since triggered boyfriend = high emotion, it can become an icky mess quite quickly. So we decided that we're going to get some help with that. I've also seen a counsellor myself and found that really helpful, someone safe to vent to if nothing else.

For my other points, I can only speak to what I find helpful in my relationship so please feel free to ignore any or all that isn't relative to your relationship.

1) While so emotional it's probably best to first talk to someone who is not your wife. Get it out. Say and yell all the things. Get comfortable with the core message of what you need to express from talking to someone else before even planning bringing it up with your wife. Talking to my boyfriend about emotional topics requires me to be as zen as possible, because his threat hyper-vigilance means any raised voices, sharp tone or angry micro-facial expressions are a trigger for him. If I want to talk to him, I have to be calm. Not going to lie, having to always be the calm one drives me a little nuts sometimes, but if I don't make this my primary goal the conversation can quickly get heated. Someone on this forum suggested using instant messaging to completely bypass the potentially scary non-verbal parts of the conversation, and I reckon I'll be trying that soon.

2) Schedule the discussion for a time when everyone has the energy and headspace, and plan to have breaks in discussion if anyone's anger/anxiety moves above a 6/10.

3) The phrase structure, "I feel _____ (emotion), when you do_____ (behaviour), and I would like _____ (goal behaviour)" is a godsend.

4) It's not ok for her to yell at you and take it out on you because you can take it. You're not a verbal punching bag! If someone is yelling their anger/anxiety is over 6 and they are incapable of rationally engaging in the discussion. Take a break until everyone is cooled down and then resume. Boyfriend hated this when we first started it because he felt like I was abandoning him at his most emotional, but he says now that he realises he was essentially holding my face to an emotional hotplate by forcing the argument to continue as it got more and more heated.

5) Two deep breaths (or longer) after a hurtful comment. Pause and embrace the moment of silence. Sometimes boyfriend then apologises, sometimes I then state why that was hurtful, sometimes I ignore it and come back to it later... sometimes I forget to take two deep breaths and the discussion becomes a spiralling argument ;)

6) Lots of I love yous all the way through! And great big hugs when emotions have settled to a point that allows physical contact again.

Like with any relationship, learning how to argue safely is important. Just a few extra things to contend with PTSD in the mix.

It's up to you if you need to walk away. There are, to my eyes, a lot of options that you guys could try though. Wishing you luck and happiness :)

 

[nursenurse]

It sounds like she is using PTSD as a crutch for her bad behaviour. Notice that the sufferer who replied shows great insight into herself and her relationship with her husband.

If she isn't in some sort of therapy, and she is in denial and refusing to acknowledge her part, your relationship is doomed. You can't fight one sided for something the other person doesn't seem to want. If she isn't in counselling and refuses to go either for herself or for couples, then you go for yourself and find out why you would continue to accept emotionally abusive behaviour from her. You are worth more than that, and she needs to see that about you. More importantly, you need to see that about yourself. Love doesn't fix all. If it did, this forum would not exist.

Good luck.

 

[blue_eyes18]

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to respond. It's all wonderful and fantastic advice.

I swear I'm not your husband, fadeaway lol. Although it sounds very much like I am in your husbands shoes and you are in my girlfriends. Your situation you described sounds exactly like mine. I think the way you feel and respond VERY much mirrors the way my gf does. I think it does all stem from guilt on her end. She has said that before. And I'm starting to really understand that.

The thing you said about asking about her anxiety levels is great advice. Super helpful and I will definitely start doing that. I'm never trying to make her feel guilty or upset. Sometimes, I just get upset. I'm only human, and humans get upset at their partners sometimes. So it's hard regulating my feelings. Or knowing when is a good time to express them. I'm trying. I'm always trying.

I just hate how it's so hard sometimes. I wrote this thread right before we left to go out of town for vacation on Friday and I felt completely at my wits end. But then, we had such an incredible time together away and completely fell right back into place. Those are the times I was speaking about. How sometimes, we are so amazingly good together, and so happy. And those are the times that I hold on to. But now that we are back, we have fallen back into the same routine where she's constantly stressed and acts distant and it's so hard. :( I just wish we could be happy all the time. I miss her so much and I love her. I just want things to be like this weekend all the time.

 

[blue_eyes18]

To answer some questions, yes, she is in therapy. She's also working on DBT in order to learn how to communicate more effectively. That has just started, so I need to be patient with it, I know. It's just hard.

She is trying to get healthy and she is working on herself. I'm just having a hard time. I miss her when we aren't our normal selves.

 

[blackswan]

:( It's super hard missing the person you love when they're right next to you. Definitely one of the things I find the hardest.

I wrote a sickening analogy about enjoying the sunshine patches on the journey out of the darkness, but I could barely stand proof reading it myself so I decided against burdening anyone else with it. Sometimes things are just hard and horrible and it sucks being an adult and having to deal with them when they hurt so much. I'm jealous of the glowing weekend away, to be honest ;) been a while since we've had enough of a break from symptoms to even think about anything like that.

So all I can offer is a solidarity fist bump. And my firm belief that, with support, things do get better. Just have to look after ourselves along the way too :)

Thanks for your impressive honesty about your current situation, I hope sharing it has helped you as much as reading it helped me today. And if you figure out the secret to being patient, let me know ;)

 

[blue_eyes18]

Hey there. Thanks for the reply bronswan. So much for that fist bump for the weekend away, as I just got dumped on Sunday evening. I'm pretty torn up and heartbroken about it. It always catches me so off guard. We just had an incredible weekend away together, and then she tells me she can't be with me. Boggles my mind. She said (like always when this happens) that she realizes that she just needs to be on her own to rebuild herself and find herself again. She says she lost who she is because of the PTSD and now needs to regain that sense of self again. And she says she tried so hard to find that sense of self while simultaneously being with me. However, she says she just can't. That she needs to be completely on her own to figure it out. She says she does truly love me but that I can't be there for her, as I'm inadvertantly influencing her and she can't truly find herself with me so close to her. That she needs to break free and be alone to discover herself.

She's half Saudi Arabian and half American on top of all that. She says she doesn't know if she wants to embrace the Saudi culture or the American culture. Or where she wants to live. She says she's having a culture battle and identity crisis on top of everything else. Her mom never approved of me, even though I'm a future lawyer, because I'm american - very hypocritical considering she married an American man. So she also had to choose between her family and me. I guess I never really stood a chance.

I'm hurting. I tried to call her the next day, Monday, after she broke up with me on Sunday out of the blue. Just to at least get better closure, as even she said she didn't expect to break up with me that night. But she won't answer or respond to me. So I wrote her an email attempting to state my peace. I told her that one day, she will be able to stand up tall and be exactly who she wants to be. That she's brave and strong and will make it through. And I told her that I loved her and missed her. She never even responded after nearly two years of seeing each other. Nothing else I can say or do, I suppose.

Anyway, just updating on the situation. It stinks, but I'm surviving. Or trying to.

 

[blackswan]

Ouch :( well there's not much arguing with that... sorry to hear that things have been so rough and tumultuous.

She sounds very lost and full to the brim with pain. It sounds like you've done all you can to make a life together but if she's not ready, she's not ready. Maybe a case of right person, wrong time? Which, speaking from experience, is horrible. Sending you great, big waves of empathy.

Grieve. Hug friends. Cry in the rain. Remember the good times when you're able to. Get back in touch with the emotions that you've been hiding away. But mostly, look after yourself :)

 

[blue_eyes18]

Thank you so much. Yes, it feels very much like the right person, wrong time. I've never loved another person so much in my life. It's pretty unbearable. I've just been trying to keep busy and be with friends. I just miss her so much. I tried contacting her and she just ignores me. That hurts really badly. Makes me feel like she doesn't care.

Thank you for your support. I need all I can get. I feel lost at the moment.

I just thought if I could hold on, I could have all of her one day. It wasn't going to happen.

 

[nursenurse]

You may never get the closure you want. She has made herself clear throughout her own confusion, and that is she cannot deal with a relationship at the moment. Forget closure, sometimes the only thing you get out of it is false hope and more pain, when she has already told you what she needs.

Make a life for yourself. Get out there, make friends, travel , whatever. I know it is hard, and sometimes you just have to force yourself. Do not keep trying to contact her, give her the space she wants and needs.

Love should be uplifting, it sounds like there are many other issues at hand.