I came to Athens 12 days ago in a daze. Even after wanting to come here since I was 6 years old, I felt so completely hopeless PTSD-wise, and cursed my luck that I was having a childhood dream fulfilled when I had become too numb to appreciate it. And despair REALLY kicked in when an old friend - a guy I've been attracted to for years - showed up on the scene and had to witness me in one of my darkest PTSD moments ever. He walked out on me in a moment where I most needed someone to be there, leaving me incredibly hurt and angry as well as humiliated that he saw me like that.
...and did I mention, this was the night before we had plans for a 2-day road trip to Northern Greece?
The thought of opting out of the trip preyed heavily on my mind. This would have forced him to cancel the trip too, because of the two of us only I can read Greek (necessary for road signs and such). But I resisted that impulse and went with him - and wow, am I glad!
It's not just that the places we visited were impressive - though don't get me wrong, I'm glad I did not miss seeing the mountain monasteries and magnificent scarred rocks of Meteora. More significantly, I was able to confront this fellow about how he had responded towards me when I got triggered. For once, I dealt with it head on instead of bottling in further hurt and anger and despair that PTSD will wreck anything good that happens to me. And when I'd explained to him about PTSD and how his reaction hurt me, he was moved to tears - and has turned out to be incredibly tender and understanding ever since.
All the better that this is a guy I'm attracted to, especially when it turned out the feelings were reciprocated! ;) Now, he did leave Greece today and we decided not to get into a committed romantic relationship; our paths too infrequently cross, and honestly, I need to (re)learn how to value myself for me and not construct my self-worth around a partner (so, another victory there). But we still had some incredible romantic moments while he was here. Most were during the road trip, but most notable was back in Athens last night: we swam out into the Mediterranean, ending up in each other's arms as the sun sank over the water and the stars came out. It was pure magic. :)
What made it most special of all, though, was that when the mutual attraction between us was acknowledged, he made it clear that he would not be disappointed if we did not have sex. Basically it felt like the first time I'd been with a guy who was attracted to me but more interested in me and my well-being than getting into bed with me. While there's the part of me that wanted us to have sex, I'm glad that we didn't. I got to see that beautiful, magical moments of intimacy can happen without being overshadowed by sex-related worries. It just underscores for me that it is possible to be valued by a love interest as more than a potential lay, you know?
...and did I mention, this was the night before we had plans for a 2-day road trip to Northern Greece?
The thought of opting out of the trip preyed heavily on my mind. This would have forced him to cancel the trip too, because of the two of us only I can read Greek (necessary for road signs and such). But I resisted that impulse and went with him - and wow, am I glad!
It's not just that the places we visited were impressive - though don't get me wrong, I'm glad I did not miss seeing the mountain monasteries and magnificent scarred rocks of Meteora. More significantly, I was able to confront this fellow about how he had responded towards me when I got triggered. For once, I dealt with it head on instead of bottling in further hurt and anger and despair that PTSD will wreck anything good that happens to me. And when I'd explained to him about PTSD and how his reaction hurt me, he was moved to tears - and has turned out to be incredibly tender and understanding ever since.
All the better that this is a guy I'm attracted to, especially when it turned out the feelings were reciprocated! ;) Now, he did leave Greece today and we decided not to get into a committed romantic relationship; our paths too infrequently cross, and honestly, I need to (re)learn how to value myself for me and not construct my self-worth around a partner (so, another victory there). But we still had some incredible romantic moments while he was here. Most were during the road trip, but most notable was back in Athens last night: we swam out into the Mediterranean, ending up in each other's arms as the sun sank over the water and the stars came out. It was pure magic. :)
What made it most special of all, though, was that when the mutual attraction between us was acknowledged, he made it clear that he would not be disappointed if we did not have sex. Basically it felt like the first time I'd been with a guy who was attracted to me but more interested in me and my well-being than getting into bed with me. While there's the part of me that wanted us to have sex, I'm glad that we didn't. I got to see that beautiful, magical moments of intimacy can happen without being overshadowed by sex-related worries. It just underscores for me that it is possible to be valued by a love interest as more than a potential lay, you know?
