Attachment To Your Therapist: What Is It, Really?

[Deleted member 29920]

Perhaps not always! I do manage to tell her things but then something goes off in my brain "you have to leave this too, one day" and I put my wall up :facepalm: :hug:

So there's a certain degree of wall! With perhaps one missing brick in it ;)

 

[Pencil]

@joeylittle, the attachment drama (for drama of the worst melodramatic kind it is) is due to younger parts that desperately want and need to attach, but are too afraid to. There might even be one who wants to, and another that is afraid to. Or a younger part that wants to, but the adult self resists. As an adult I don't want to. But my 4yo needs to.

So to answer your question: The hysterics some of us go through can only be understood through the model/theory/explanation of Structural Dissociation. Healthy attachment would manifest in the way normal, healthy, adult attachment manifests: You like your therapist as a human being, there is measure of trust and respect, the relationship has meaning and adds value to your life, and so on.

 

[Rumors]

@Pencil
I think because you are sharing such intimate life details with someone. If I am talking about my child, my parents, my husband, my childhood, or whatever intimate detail, it is very revealing and vulnerable. I wouldn't just share that stuff with anyone. I want to feel like I have some sort of relationship with them. With relationships comes a certain amount of attachment. I think the best saying ever is "no man is an island." It runs true as it pertains to the therapeutic relationship.

If I knew how to form healthy relationships I probably wouldn't need a therapist. I havent had very many relationships in my life that had healthy boundaries or healthy attachments. I didn't learn that. I am just now navigating what that feels like. I have a few friends that I get that from but I never really realized that until I entered therapy. Ugh. It has been tough allowing that connection with someone and letting someone know the good, the bad, and the ugly and not constantly worry that they will use that information against me. Scary!!!

 

[watundah]

@Cj77, that is exactly what went thru my mind 4 years ago when I started therapy...I'm supposed to open up and get completely attached to this person who will eventually leave me, too. I was told by my spouse that I will learn new tools where I won't need her and it will be a gradual break of turning to monthly sessions etc. None of this matters. She still scares the crap out of me as someone who will leave me so I keep my guard up. Very difficult dynamic to change as it's deeply entrenched. Was reading articles about avoidant anxious attachment last night...I should discuss this with her but I feel stupid. Which in itself feels...stupid!

 

[Deleted member 29920]

@watundah, that's exactly the point I was trying to put across, it just hurts so much to think another person who'll help us, will disappear too, I don't think how you feel is stupid, I think it's natural! :hug:

 

[watundah]

Thanks for that. I really do need to talk with her about it so we can resolve it but it's on a list of things I just don't say.

 

[scout86]

Isn't it true that everyone, at some point, is probably going to leave you? People die. Stuff happens. Isn't that just life? Maybe it's more of learning that people can leave and you'll still be ok?

 

[watundah]

I know it sounds pretty simple doesn't it.

It isn't.

 

[scout86]

My point wasn't related to it being "simple ". I know it's not simple. My point was that maybe it isn't a matter of depending on someone or not. Getting attached to someone or not. Maybe it's a matter of learning to get comfortable with the idea that we can get attached to people and it's ok, and they can leave and we're still ok. You can miss someone a lot and it might not be the end of the world.
Not saying it's simple or easy at all.

 

[Tinyflame]

Idk know what is attachment or not, as a friend in a helping profession has helped me. Even that started unintentionlly/ I asked for help what I thought was anonymously in a desperate moment, probably the top 2 or 3 worst of my life, googling & suddenly a page to contact was just 'there'. I do think if I didn't have 'attachment' after 10 years & no major harm to me from them in that time, that itself would be abnormal. Of course a friend is different than a T, & tbh I don't think I could reveal intimate details to a T or stranger, no matter how motivated, people do but I will never, I truly will take it to my grave first, I just "can't". I'm shocked I actually did. Or maybe rather, it was because I recognized similar perceptions/ beliefs/ philosophy- I call it a similar heart- combined with earned trust (plus desperate circumstances, & trying to do the right thing), that I have. If anything, I've heard somewhere that our boundries (can't remember 'why'- childhood?, abuse?, trauma?- Idk, I can't remember), are either too strict or too loose. I'm the former, becuse I feel like I will cause damage, it's decreased but I viewed myself like a ticking time bomb. I still think of myself as toxic. I also revealed nothing much to anyone. Sometimes however, I 'forget' that about myself, & recognize then easily others' needs more. So I think without attachment, or the non-conventional way it took, I wouldn't have healed or revealed anything. Because some things I said/ reveled only because I cared about them & didn't want to cause hurt/ jcause them to question their abilities/ be ungrateful/ just disappear.

With him leaving I feel ashamed- ashamed to feel dependent, ashamed to not be 'well' or 'over it' (the past), incompetent; regretful I couldn't get to disecting/ solving trauma earlier; frightened of what I know is the future (for me); selfish that I'd think of 'me'; sick to my stomach & ashamed I'm not a stronger person. Probably other things but too tired to think of them now. Though of course now, as a friend I care more about their well-being than my own. I also don't think they care or leaving bothers them that much, which is ok too.

People die. Stuff happens... people can leave and you'll still be ok?

I think this ^^ should be true, but it isn't for all of us when it hasn't been (in the past).

FWIW some people can't even get another dog after their's dies.

(ETA sorry if there are still typos, I keep coming back to add ('sticky') a's/ q's etc. ).

I've also learned- unfortunately- & not due to being whiny or inflexible or not trying harder, that I probably have the type of mind/ damage that has issues with memory, creating a mental image, inability to self-soothe, & requiring repeated daily forced re-focusing to stay alive/ afloat. Like people need food or wheelchair ramps. In some ways that's shocking & depressing to me, in other ways it not only makes sense but helps me realize it's not because I haven't put in Heculean effort (to recover/ live). But there's few places & even less supports for people like me/ that really.

 

[watundah]

I will say I have had countless relationships.with beginnings.and.ends. in fact, with abandonment issues. I.expect.them all to.end

The therapeutic relationship is.different in that you've got the expectations of.dependency and trust which are out of reach when subconsciously you think you are setting yourself up for the big bail out.

 

[Pencil]

I've been thinking about boundaries in therapy a lot, and so I just want to lay my egg, and in the process hijack your thread, @joeylittle. It seems to me there are two reasons why such a song and dance is made of boundaries in therapy:

Interestingly, boundaries in other contexts are never discussed, never made explicit - which is exactly the point I was missing. People from abusive backgrounds, or who went through traumatic experiences that included a gross violation of boundaries, have trouble setting boundaries for others. Most don't even know where their own boundaries are. And, my own theory is that all people who are really off have a massive sense of entitlement which is fundamental to their off-ness. I guess my conclusion is the vast majority of people who end up in therapy (or prison) have serious lack of boundaries or lack of respect for the boundaries of others - and so therapy has to start with Boundaries 101, as having clear, conscious boundaries is the cornerstone of mental health, and respecting the boundaries of others is the cornerstone of civil harmony - and mental health of course. In my own case, my year-long court battle with my sister ended in a protection order which is nothing but a clear statement of my boundaries. My thinking, when seeing the topic of therapy with the tagline 'with boundaries', is always, 'but dammit, it is not only the therapist who has boundaries, I have boundaries they dare not cross'. But I never make my own clear, and I am hopeless at enforcing them. I tolerate violations until I fly into a rage. So, Boundaries 101 obviously starts off with the therapist making his / her own boundaries clear, and enabling the client to develop and enforce their own boundaries.

And then of course, therapy happens in a one-on-one setting behind closed doors. If I become too familiar with my daughter's teacher, there are various bodies and ultimately a whole community behind the teacher. A therapist does not have this protection.

Okay, so why did it take me so long to figure this out?

Apologies, @joeylittle. Back to the topic.