Attachment To Your Therapist: What Is It, Really?

[falling_wave]

I'm pretty attached to my therapist. I don't talk to her for the most part between sessions and I don't have any feelings for her that go beyond the therapy relationship. We also haven't hugged past the first session a year and a half ago when I was grieving a fresh loss of someone close to me. The way it started, well she was attentive to my feelings and she understood how my mind worked in ways that made me feel connected. I was not used to having people who understood me or feeling genuine care. A level of safety and respect for her and our work together started to grow and I took chances with telling her things that made me feel hugely scared and vulnerable. Each time she responded attentively and stayed there for me I needed to feel her safety more and I came to rely on our sessions. I'm okay when we don't have them but I had a hard time when she was talking about spacing them more due to me feeling better. I kind of need her in a way that I'm not clingy or demanding and only I would know. She just makes me feel safe and I know there will be relief sharing with her and my life is improving. It is necessary so we can work on tough stuff and I trust her. Something else kind of positive I think is that when I get scared that I might lose her or that she thinks I don't need her I somehow get courage to take a risk and share something tough with her that I wouldn't have otherwise from the anxiety of losing her and then we do deeper work together. Someday when everything is truly resolved I am sure I will become comfortable and okay with being on my own.

 

[scout86]

How are you defining "attachment"? Just so I'm sure what we're talking about.

But for me, attaching to a therapist is like attaching to my cardiologist. Not going there!

For me, I'd have to be able to TRUST my cardiologist and I feel the same way about my T. I need to believe that he knows more about what we're doing, at least the professional side of it, than I do, so it's "safe" to trust his judgement. Doesn't mean I think he's always right. Actually HE doesn't think he's always right and I wouldn't trust him if he did. If I had a potentially life threatening heart problem and had found a cardiologist that I trusted and knew I could work with, I think I might freak out a little if I suddenly learned that she/he was no longer covered by my insurance. I really do see the 2 things as being kind of similar.

Complicating matters, though, is the fact that I never DID learn a "normal" attachment style as an infant and I have a huge problem trusting anyone wisely. This is actually something that needs work and my T and I both know that. I think part of the process of learning the "right" way to trust involves trusting someone and, in this case, it makes sense that it's him. It also makes sense, to me at least, that I'm not going to get it "right" all the time, that it's a process, and that it will change over time. "Healing" is a change that takes place over time. If a T knows what they're doing, THEY can and should tell you if your attachment to them is somehow inappropriate.

 

[Leigh925]

I have attachment issues and we specifically work on this in therapy. I learned as a child it was not safe to attach so as a grown up I don't develop the kind of meaningful relationships I would like to.

I definitely would never express a need in fact I wouldn't even allow myself to have opinions and needs or ask anyone for help.

I have worked with several therapists and all of them were in agreement about the fact that I would be healthier if I addressed this but we just talked about it and never had any kind of therapeutic plan.

The therapist I had now talked to me about it after we had been working together for several months. Truthfully it was kind of an awkward conversation.

He explained to me the importance for me in my case of having healthy attachment. He asked me to email or text him if I needed to talk to him or was upset about anything in between sessions. I remember thinking I would never do that.

His role is to be there for me and to teach me that people can be responsive and trust worthy and even if they aren't because I am a grown up now I will be okay.

I didn't utilize it or work on it too much but I read about it a lot and then in 2013 over the holidays I had a horrible flashback that lasted for days and I couldn't pull myself together. My husband finally talked me into emailing him. It was a really good experience for me. He was very responsive. Called me from his vacation. I was very surprised.

I can do the independent thing. I have done it my whole life. But allow myself to be nurtured or taken care of???? Forget about it!

Because I was so neglected as a child I often neglect myself without even realizing....even on the basics like eating, going to the bathroom and getting medical care etc. I will provide it for my family but not for myself.

Attachment therapy also works by teaching me how to care for myself.....because I had felt valued enough for someone else to want to help me. As my therapist has been responsive to me I have continued the example and been more responsive to myself.

We hug at the end of sessions if I want to. The first time we hugged was after a friend died and I could feel myself falling back into old habits. I was cold and numb. He asked me if I would like a hug and the minute he hugged me I felt this huge release and sobbed.

It is my responsibility to ask for a hug if I want one so I didn't for weeks and weeks because I was too scared. He reassured me that he wouldn't reject me and if I needed him he was there. It was very empowering for me to be brave enough to ask and then have someone be responsive. It was very healing.

He has boundaries. I have to initiate. We are always standing up and it is usually on the way out as I am leaving.

I realized I had contact hunger and that was something I needed.

As I started to lean on him with phone calls, emails or texts I started to mimic what he was doing with me with my own children. My son wrote me the sweetest letter over the holidays telling me how much he appreciated how much I have worked in therapy and how much it has helped him to feel more loved because I am more loving towards him.

That is because I am allowing myself to be more attached to my husband and my children but I had to learn how to do it with my therapist first. I missed those milestones growing up.

He told me in the beginning there would be times I would get angry with him because he was human and would make mistakes and because he couldn't possibly meet every need I had. I laughed at him because I never felt enough to get angry at anyone. If you don't give a crap...nothing ever to be mad at.

He warned me that I would go through a period of feeling kind of crazy as my emotions were waking up because I had never been in a safe enough environment to express emotions...,especially anger or sadness. I definitely wasn't allowed to have my own opinions.

He warned that I might have feelings come up that bothered me and that I could tell him about them and it wouldn't scare him away. It was to be expected but he has solid boundaries and everything would be ok.

He was so upfront that it was awkward for me but he was right about all of those and because he brought it up I have been able to communicate with him about it...although at times it was very difficult.

All of my relationships are richer in my immediate family as I have learned about attachment.

It has been difficult but well worth it and it can be done without making you too dependent on your therapist. That is not healthy either.

It is not for everyone as everyone's needs and traumas are different but it is working for me.

 

[joeylittle]

I'm processing replies, but just have to say that @Leigh925, I think you've got a really good therapist - the way you've articulated what his boundaries are and how he expresses them really shows how transparent and grounded his therapeutic stance is. And I think this:

As I started to lean on him with phone calls, emails or texts I started to mimic what he was doing with me with my own children. My son wrote me the sweetest letter over the holidays telling me how much he appreciated how much I have worked in therapy and how much it has helped him to feel more loved because I am more loving towards him.

Really helps me understand on a practical level how this thing called "attachment" works.

How are you defining "attachment"? Just so I'm sure what we're talking about.

Honestly, I don't really know - I think I'm learning a definition of it as this thread goes.

It seems that "attachment" is a process that a healthy person goes through often in their life, and it is learned in baby-hood. Picturing it literally, it's to do with the basic physical need for connection that we now know (scientifically) is necessary for a child to thrive/survive.

But as a psychological process, attachment is the word for "one-way bonding", sort of. I think of bonding as a 2-person process, minimum. But attachment is the descriptor for what we do when we mentally "hold on" to another person. There's a phrase we use with objects, sometimes: "I'm very attached to that coat." Same deal, but with people. Attachments should be appropriate in scale and location - to be majorly attached to a celebrity, for instance, could lead to an obsession and then stalking. But to be majorly attached to your own child or spouse or best friend might be completely appropriate. To have a pet and have no attachment to it at all would indicate that you are probably not-so-good at taking care of the pet. And so forth. For a schoolteacher to be very attached to a student, that we would consider "off" or possibly dangerous.

Attachment seems to generate trust, some amount of need, caring, perhaps a healthy amount of dependency.

I guess it strikes me that I would never want to really care about or be dependent on my therapist in any way that is tied to emotion. I actually, now that I think about it, felt very attached to my surgeon; I knew it was one-way, in that I hung on his every, every word, it completely made my day when it was him checking on me and not the nurses, I had a kind of blind faith in him, because I ultimately could not really understand what he was going to do to me. I knew that it had nothing to do with a romantic feeling or a friendship feeling. It was completely based on tangible need: I was broken and he could fix me.

Funny, but I can't transfer that last statement over to my mental health and relationship with those doctors.

Something else I'm really realizing as I read this thread is that I have difficulty with attachment to people when there is not a clear purpose for it. And I worry about not being able to modulate it, if I did feel it. I get attached to animals way, way past the point of practicality, and I know that as well. it seems to be where I work out my attachment needs.

Sorry, just rambling as I'm piecing thoughts together.

 

[scout86]

I have difficulty with attachment to people when there is not a clear purpose for it.

I have difficulty DEPENDING on people, because, in the past, they haven't been dependable. Near as I can tell, starting from the day I came home from the hospital. Sometimes that manifests itself as not wanting to get "attached" to people. The other thing is, if I don't CARE about a person, I limit their ability to hurt me. My T knows more about me than most people. He has more information that he COULD use to hurt me, if he choose to, than most people. That makes him more dangerous than most people, when you live in a world where it's not safe to trust or depend on anyone. I've told him fairly often that he's the most dangerous person I know. He laughs, but I think he knows that i also mean it. But, BECAUSE he knows that I mean it and BECAUSE he's never taken advantage of that (yet) I'm getting to where I think he might be dependable and trustworthy.

I kind of wonder if this tendency to worry about being overly dependent isn't the result of "attachment issues" more than anything else.

Another thought. My T talks about people being "dependent", "Independent", and "anti-dependent". BOTH the first and last of those can be problems. The sweet spot is in the middle. Just FYI, by his way of defining things, I'm wildly "anti-dependent". The worst thing I can imagine is HAVING to depend on someone else. He tells me it's better to be able to chose dependable people and then to depend on them when necessary. Also to be available for them to depend on, when necessary. None of that is the same as taking advantage.

(Good topic, BTW!)

 

[Leigh925]

So just another thought....I have talked with my therapist about the worry of being too dependent on him. Because I am so avoidant and fearful of attachment he doesn't worry about it. He says he knows I won't use the email/phone/text unless I absolutely have to and it is kind of a painful process for people with abandonment issues.

So he actually doesn't worry as much about that with patients with those kinds of issues because it would be so far off base and out of their nature to go too far to the other side.

He kind of joked in the beginning that I won't even allow myself to eat when I need to much less be too needy with him.

Also I wanted to make a point about the one sided attachment thought. I don't really see it that way anymore. One time in a therapy discussion I said "well if I want to replicate this in a real relationship...." He stopped me and said, "this is a real relationship. It is a therapeutic relationship with boundaries but it is very real and I care about what happens to my patients."

I actually work in the medical field and I have my own patients albeit in a much different setting. I won't be having dinner with them or hanging out with them after hours but I do care about them. I feel sad for them when they are hurting and I am happy when they have progress. I think about them at times and wonder how they are doing. I have patients that I always like to work with and I know I am going to have a good day when I see them on the schedule. I get enjoyment out of that.

So I think it is not as one sided as you think. It is just a unique attachment with lots of boundaries!

I don't think you are rambling..,.if you read through the thread it kind of sounds like you are processing and figuring things out!

 

[Leigh925]

have difficulty DEPENDING on people, because, in the past, they haven't been dependable. Near as I can tell, starting from the day I came home from the hospital. Sometimes that manifests itself as not wanting to get "attached" to people. The other thing is, if I don't CARE about a person, I limit their ability to hurt me. My T knows more about me than most people. He has more information that he COULD use to hurt me, if he choose to, than most people. That makes him more dangerous than most people, when you live in a world where it's not safe to trust or depend on anyone. I've told him fairly often that he's the most dangerous person I know.

I totally get this....I swear I have uttered these exact words!!!!

 

[scout86]

@Leigh925 , I had the same thought that you shared about how one sided the relationship might or might not be. It's a different kind of relationship, but I think, to be good at what they do, a therapist has to care about people and want to help. I'm sure you can do the job and NOT care, but I'm equally sure that caring goes along with being good at it. They also have to have SOME kind of boundaries to keep from getting too involved and burning out, but I agree, it IS a "real" relationship.

 

[Pencil]

18 months later ....

Reading this thread, there are two salient issues for me:

1. Something @sun seeker and I recently commented on is that people who don't have attachment issues don't get attachment issues. I guess it is comparable to color blindness or ... synesthesia or ... something i don't have and can't fathom, and no amount of explaining will make me feel more familiar with it.

2. The issue of boundaries. I often wonder why the issue of boundaries is such a big deal in therapy. I'm not saying there shouldn't be boundaries, I simply wonder why such a song and dance is made about it in this particular context. The point is that EVERY SINGLE relationship in the world has relationship-specific boundaries. I find, for example, that my relationship with my daughter's teacher has far stricter, non-negotiable boundaries that any relationship with a therapist. But with the teacher, the boundaries are implicit, they go unsaid, and are enforced with military vigour. But I don't think anybody, ever, anywhere has commented on the boundaries that exist with teachers, nurses, doctors, friends, lovers (my lover might be allowed up close and personal, but should stay the hell away from my bank account, for example), and our own children. So why is the boundary issue so over-stressed in therapy? I'm really curious.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Pencil
To be vulnerable, transparent and submit to the guidance of T is a form of trust and bonding. It is very important for the T to keep the balance in a healthy dynamic to prevent emotional affairs, sexual advancement or codependent formation. jmho

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Sometimes, to me, it just feels like I'm dependent on a T. But then I have mother issues so maybe it's just me. I sort of see attachment as dependence. Ugh. Trauma bonding, again!

I often feel like attaching to someone who I have to stop seeing forever, one day - as very damaging. It's probably because a lot of people have abandoned me, including a T. It means I always keep a wall up with a T now.

Totally reminds me of Jodie Foster in Candleshoe, she says she's not alone, she's got herself. (great movie)

 

[Recovery4Me]

It means I always keep a wall up with a T now.

(((hugs))) Always? :wideeyed: Tisk, tisk lol. Such black and white thinking.;) Perhaps, *offered in soothing tones* it is that you are not ready at this time. You have a beautiful heart and so much compassion. I believe in you and your journey to heal.:tup: Have faith darling.:hug::hug: