Attachment

[maelstrom]

Well, I've been having attachment issues for as long as I remember, and it has not gotten much better even after years of therapy. Most of the time I'm an introverted loner who doesn't like to socialize, but whenever there's one or two people whom I'm attached to I just become really really really attached to them, like if they leave I feel like dying or worse. It's like no matter what I do I just can't find the "balance" that most other adults seem to be able to have. And people do leave--people always leave. Whereas many people seem to be able to take this fact of life, I just can't bear it. I can't bear to part with people, and yet they always leave.

This is worse with my parents because I'm so unhealthily attached to them, the reason being they are the only ones who would not leave me--unless they are dead--and that's what I'm scared of and obsessed with all the time. I cannot imagine being alive without them, because without them there will be no one else who will always stay by my side.

When you think about it, all other kinds of relationships are so unreliable. They seem like bubbles that can break any time, for hundreds of possible reasons. It takes somebody who really loves you to stand by you when you are not yourself, doesn't it? I mean, they have to be there when you have panic attacks, when you are depressed for what seems like eternity, and when you are completely useless. Some people may stay with you for a while--good friends, maybe--and they may try to help. But what about it goes on for years? Decades? Will they still stand by you?

Sorry, I'm afraid I have lost the point of this thread...but it just feels so hopeless. I feel like my parents are the only ones who always bear with me--because we are bond by blood and they love me--but they are old and they are going to die, and then the world will be so cold and nobody will stand by me and protect me again, and being so emotionally fragile always I don't know how one can survive. I did try to work on this with my therapists and psychiatrists and all, but it's been years, and I'm still more or less the same in this regard (other things have improved, thank goodness). It's like something's wrong in my blood. Does anyone else have similar issues? How do you manage?

 

[Kailani]

Hi, I am the exact opposite but it may help to have different perspectives and you can take what you'd like. Learned to socialize by joining groups; Girl Scouts, YMCA, 4H, Church, school. The more you do something, generally the more comfortable it becomes. My parent was harsh so learned to love lotsa different people. I look at it as life is a journey; people don't have to be in your life forever. Life happens, job problems, financial problems. Just cuz people are not there now doesn't mean they don't care and wouldn't want to support you and encourage you. Forever is a long time to expect someone to stay in your life, would you like to live with you forever? I don't with me. Had a hard time watching my grandparents age and die. It is horrible but it happens, people get old then die. Glad you are addressing this now so you can get some kind of support in place and an additional situation. I look at it as your family is forever and everyone else for however long possible or whatever should be and to just try to influence people positively.

 

[Chava]

I totally relate to isolating. I am actually not attached to my parents. They don't really even seem like real people to me. I feel about as connected to them as I do to the guy who works at the post office (don't know his name). It's actually a pretty weird feeling of detachment and derealization, but also an attachment issue on a different end.

That being said, sometimes I fear how alone I am...when I really need help it is seriously painful to reach out and I really struggle with believing anyone cares. It has helped for me, a raging alcoholic, to go to AA pretty consistently and feel like they are a bit of "family" for me. It's hard to find these mini communities, but the structure of support groups works better for me than just finding a friend out there in the random world. But probably you need to challenge yourself a bit ...think about where you might feel just comfortable enough and allow yourself to just slowly get to know some other people. Not everyone will turn out to be a friend. Many won't be there forever. Just think about the present, what you can bring to a situation, and see what evolves. Religious or otherwise, small communities provide some structure in that there are always members available, even if individuals may come and go. Not sure if church, meditation group, or any other structured community or support groups might be helpful for you?

 

[Deleted member 20978]

I find that I have a mixture of living in solitude (which sometimes is hell and other times is just fine) but also transient/found family in support groups, church, meeting other oddballs like artists, musicians, what have you. It never feels stable exactly, but then that's what alone time is good for. And I have met such characters who tell their stories about being all over the world. Sometimes I'll meet someone, have a really cool connection, maybe intense even, and then though we may go our separate paths, we will reconnect much later and we're still friends and there's new stories to tell each other. Other times though I have lost people who mattered so deeply and felt that terror of being without familiar people. I both get that things are impermanent and people move on but also as you wrote, find this so hard. I have envied those people who grew up in such stability and have all the family that is an anchor over the years. But the world is so full of people who weren't so lucky, and gotta make family.

I look back some days at the "stable" (but not really) times when I had these exact people in my life and figured that would be forever(ish), and I am glad I'm not still stuck in that place. Have met a lot more interesting people who have taught me a lot more about myself and the world, wouldn't be possible if I were still just with the same crowd. I met some awesome people just tonight, walking on the street because it was a warm day for February. I may see them again (hope to) but if not I'll remember it's not impossible to go meet new people. Other times I choose to isolate for long periods because I can. When the depression gets strong enough, I push myself to go connect and it always ends up lifting the depression sooner or later. Rinse and repeat.

 

[maelstrom]

Thank you all! I think the problem is just that I'm so terribly immature. I'm in my late 20s but when it comes to attaching to people I'm like a 3-yr-old. And yes, it's like a paradox because I'm actually quite a loner and prefer to be by myself. I left home at an early age and lived on my own for many years, and people usually expect me to be super independent and tough. And I usually do act independent--too independent, in fact. I can't bring myself to ask for help and I seldom confide in anyone. Even when I was hospitalized nobody knew until I had to phone someone to bring me my underclothes...Nobody would know if I died in my room.

But deep down I'm still this clingy kid who can't bear to part with anyone who cares about me. I'm fine when nobody cares about me--I can live normally and on my own. But as soon as somebody shows love for me or starts caring about me, I become so attached and when they leave I always have a terrible breakdown. It's so hard to go back to not having anyone care about you when you have felt what it is like to be loved and protected. It's like somebody gives a baby a toy and takes it away when the baby has already gotten used to it. I always feel as though somebody's tearing a piece off me, and it hurts so much.

That's my fear for connecting with people. I don't want to get used to being loved, because it's terrible when you have that and then be deprived of that. I don't know why most people in the world seem to be able to handle it. They seem so grown up, and I feel like I would never grown up. It's like I've missed the right time to grow and now I can't...

 

[Deleted member 20978]

It's like I've missed the right time to grow and now I can't...

I've felt this way many times (and rest of your last post). I can say with some clarity that the answer is breaking out of the comfort zone and meeting more people. Could be community or could be people here and there. For me I had to go thru steps: lose everyone, lose my mind in fear, spend long time completely alone, therapy, gradually start being around people (support groups), retreat, dodge left, find different people (isolating between each step). Gradually I have met people who because they like me (much more than when I was totally depressed and no one to think about but me), they will teach me some new tricks and take me under their wing sometimes. I think the truth is that the people with those really solid families, while they may be happier (?), are often much narrower in their viewpoints. And there's lots of people who didn't have that who will connect to someone who gets it. Weirdos. The world is full of them.

I don't think I could have gone thru the steps so far any faster, but as long as I successfully wrestled with not ending myself, things have continued to look up. I'm starting to get that I'll never be normal, never be white picket fences and attentional surplus disorder because I just wasn't raised like that, but I really like the weirdos I've met and feel progressively more able, a bit at a time, to let people go, whether that's just for now or for longer, because I feel there are more people in the picture. I'm sure I will probably still hit suicidal points, especially if massive triggers happen, where I'll convince myself no one cares about me or likes me and I'll have to struggle some more. But I'm hoping I will remember what I'm saying here. The world is FULL of adult children all with their own journeys and stories and confusion. There's no reason to despair being in that boat. And you never stop growing up.

 

[maelstrom]

I've felt this way many times (and rest of your last post). I can say with some clarity that the answer i...

Thank you Jemini. You said it so beautifully. I also feel that I will never be normal and it's like carrying an explosive that can go off anytime and you don't know when. I'm just terribly afraid that when it happens no one will be there, like it happened before, and I don't know how to survive it. But I guess I really need to make an effort to connect with people. Sometimes I feel confused because people usually leave you when you are a mess/more than they can handle and return when you are better, but it's the time when you are a mess that you really need them, or how could you get out of the mess? Well, I suppose I should stop thinking about this kind of thing! But thank you so much for your reply--it helps a lot.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Thank you for saying and glad my words are helpful maelstrom :) :hug:

 

[SteveTC]

Well, I've been having attachment issues for as long as I remember, and it has not gotten much better...

Hi, I'm new on this and was searching through for people who have suffered from people they love deliberately isolating you. I'm disabled, spinal, and I used to see my parents for 3 hours a day twice a week. However, 18 months ago they bailed on me, as my condition was too stressful for them. Christmas came around and they apologised and the8 months alone was horrific.
Last week the dr called around and called the ambulance for me to be admitted into hospital as it was not safe for me to be at home alone.
I text my dad asking him if he would meet me at the hospital etc but got a phone call from my mother starting that no he wasn't going to help and my illness had caused enough stress, then ensued a lot of emotional blackmail.
I convinced the hospital to let me go home as I had treatment, neurologist, chronic pain team and my fitting for my electronic wheelchair, plus lied stating that I have a good support network at home. Now, I'm alone, and cannot sleep most nights as I don't know how to forgive them for doing this again. They opted out of helping me before, it was like the worse break up ever. Now, I don't understand, I'm searching for what I could have done wrong and struggling to get in place support at home as I can't do most functional tasks.
Can anyone help me? I have 5 hospital appointments this month. 20 injections in my spine, and no carer and parents who just want to go to the beach. I really could do with some advice to help me.