Attraction To Abusive People.

[circe47]

I never really understood why I kept attracting abusers, and stayed with them, until I realized that I had been programmed that way by my parents. I always thought that pain was just a part of love. Why should I think differently, as a child, when I had no frame of reference to compare to? As a child, a slap was always delivered with "it's for your own good". Or "of course I love you", whenever I questioned that love. If it was always justified that it was for my own good that I got whipped, slapped, pinched, screamed at, whatever. I learned to stay, because I was taught to stuff my pain, and accept it as a part of love. After being whipped, pinched, slapped or screamed at, I would cry....because IT HURT! Crying always got met with, "you better stop crying, or I'll really give you something to cry about."

This is how children grow up to accept abuse as adult. I don't know why people just don't get it. It isn't rocket science to understand that children believe everything that they are told by the people in charge of their lives and well being. Perfect example is that they believe in the Easter Bunny...Santa Clause....the Tooth Fairy. Why shouldn't they believe that love involves pain and grow into messed up grown ups?

What really hurts is the people who don't "get it" that tell us to "get over it." How is it ever possible to "get over" discovering your whole life and belief system have been built on a foundation of lies? To realize that you can NEVER get back everything you lost while trying to survive a horrific childhood? For me, I lost my education and the prime years of my life. Years that should have been spent getting a good education, building a satisfying career, building a home with a loving husband, building a normal, emotionally healthy family.

PTSD for me is the anger, depression and anxiety that comes with the realization that I can NEVER, EVER get back the things that where ripped away....all because of the antiquated child rearing practices of my parents, and their parents before them, and so on back in time.

 

[saffy]

I can NEVER, EVER get back the things that where ripped away

Hi circe47

Thanks for sharing. I was also treated really badly both physically and verbally. I had no self esteem, fear of rejection/abandonment and thought I was only worth something if I was bending over trying to make the other person happy, something I could never do with my parents, they were never pleased or happy.

I think, like you, that I can never get that back as well. I am gradually starting to beleive that although I can not change the past, I can changehow they have made me feel about myself by improving myself and my future.

On another thread we have be discussing the importance of assertiveness and agree that this is a very important skill. For me it made me realise that it is ok to have the feelings I do, they are there for a reason and mine, I am not making them up, I am not going to brush them aside. I also realise I have the right to express them. The right to have a valid opinion even if the other person disagrees. The right to be respected equally and if I am not I have the right to say if something makes me unhappy, upset etc.

Equally we have also be talking about people 'not getting it'. We found that this is commonly frustrating and upsetting for us all. What I beleive is that too much emphasis is put on trying to make someone understand where it is obvious they are just unable too, whether it is because they have never experienced it or already have the skills to deal with it. I think that the support side gets lost in discussion. It will be more beneficial if they just recognised when you are triggered or down and support you not try to fix you. They only need to know that certain things make you really think badly and when they do sometime you cannot control your emotions, your not sure how to. Then tell them what you need them to do when you feel like this, maybe a cuddle and reassurance? It is normally a huge releif when you allow yourself the right not to make them understand. I hope that makes sense. :)

Im sorry to hear about what you have been through, I can empathise with it totally. I have found this forum to be very supportive and understanding and so it is a lot easy to talk about my feelings and thoughts. I hope you do to.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[circe47]

Saffy-
Thank you for your support, and I agree with everything you said. Unfortunately for me, in my family, us "kids" are still just "kids" in the eyes of the adults of our family. As such, what we say, feel or do is always going to be judged and in most cases, berated rather than supported. We get no respect as far as our experiences, opinions or feelings. Our thoughts should be their thoughts. Our feelings should be their feelings. Our ideas should be their ideas. The thought of asking for a cuddle or reassurance is terrifying, to say the least. This is one of my sister's biggest issues....the inability to ask for help when she needs it. It is sad to realize that the people you love the most have made it impossible to ask for a helping hand when everyone needs help, at one time or another.

I have realized that there is at least one blessing to come out of all the pain that seems to be common for survivors like us.....the gift of compassion. This is the main reason why I come to this site. While it helps to validate everything I experienced, it is, more importantly, a place that I can come to to help others. Again, thank you for your support and compassion....

 

[saffy]

The thought of asking for a cuddle or reassurance is terrifying

Hi Circa47

I see your situation is far from ideal!!. However, can you and your sister work together instead of trying to get support from the 'adults' (I Say this loosely as they do not seem to be acting like it) which is obviously never going to happen, use each other for it.

I found too that I had no one to turn to, ask advice from or support whilst growing up, I had to get this off peers from school that did not have my best interests at heart. Being an only child I always wondered if things would have been easier if I had a brother or sister as an ally?

Compassion is a wonderful gift as is forgiveness especially for oneself ;)

I hope that you can find the support you need on here with people who do understand and can give you good advice :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[circe47]

Saffy-

Actually, me and my sister are very supportive of one another. We grew up together and lived in the same bedroom until we were adults, so we understand each other's position perfectly. Unfortunately, I am the one that takes the brunt of the bullying within the family unit and have grown tired of making excuses for the behavior of grown adults. i.e. "you know how he is" "he's never going to change" "just ignore it, because he's a cranky old man"

Unfortunately, I am more outspoken, whereas my sister just distances herself. This makes it hard for me, because I think making excuses for bad behavior doesn't give the bully an opportunity to see the damage they do to others, and that they have a warped, harmful way of relating to people in general. My motives are not only self preservation, but altruistic as well.

 

[saffy]

Circe47,

Thats great about you and your sister. At the moment she might be the only really important person in your life so she is the one that matters in your life.

Never make excuses for others behaviour it's out of your control and against how you think people should behave towards others. That must cause massive conflict in yourself and the others involved and there looks like there is definately a clash of personalities.

I believe that bullies and manipulators do not like outspoken people as it undermines what they think they have the right to do or it deflates the ego they get from putting others down.

I also believe that just because the abuser is blood family does not mean you have to like or put up with it or take it on board to mess up your life and you have every right to take these people out of your life because they are such a negative influence they are not contrusive of happiness and peace.

You are right in what you say about them not learning if nothing is said. Yes people would be able to see the reprocussion of their actions if more is said about the feelings you get when they act in certain ways. But it sounds like you have tried till your tongue bled and it made no difference to change their thought processes, they are what they are.

I am totally estranged from my elders because of this. THey are what they are, we clash and they trigger. so I said actually I do not need people like you in my life, GOODBYE, and good ridence.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Britt.f7]

Circe47, My dad is very much what he says goes, don't argue, you won't win, and he has also made physical threats as far as saying we are not too old for him to whip. If I don't do everything the way he believes it should go then I am disrespectful. I am 46 and it does not matter to him. I could be twelve for all he cares. I do stand up to him at times, but I have definitely paid for it.

I always thought my sister was my other set of eyes when I was growing up. She is my younger sister. She would confirm the things that happened to me when our mother would deny them. She has also been known to throw me under the bus. Especially with my dad. I am never too sure what to expect.

I was told a long time ago that you can't change people that are set in their ways. You can only be in control of how you react to them.

Now, I choose to keep these people in my life, but I limit my interactions with them. I also try to limit what I talk to them about without losing me. Sometimes it means walking away, even if it is just mentally. I realize what their limitations are and I recognize what mine are. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
On one level, I accept who they are, which is more then they do for me. This doesn't mean I accept their abusive behavior. I'll tell you, it can be a very fine line. Despite it all, I am the one who chose to continue these relationships. I grew up hearing similar things to you.

What it really boils down to is what are you going to do with you, because these people are, most likely, never going to change. It isn't easy, I'm sure you know that. They know how they behave and, no matter what you see, they are not going to see it your way. You can tell them until you are blue in the face, they will not see it. This is unfortunate for all.

I hope you find your peace.