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General Avoidance - How Long Do Your Episodes Last?
- Post starter nahla1204
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Justmehere
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Anywhere from 5 minutes to years.
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- #4
Caterpillar
Silver Member
I've had periods as long as many months where I emotionally isolated myself from friends and loved ones in the past, but I do my best to not let it happen anymore. At worst, I may find myself disconnecting for a day or two, but once I realize what I'm doing I force myself to stop because I think isolation is the most potentially destructive of all my symptoms. Cuts heal, depressive episodes and anxiety attacks eventually go away, but broken relationships often can't be repaired.
I think I've built my immediate life in such a way that it would be VERY difficult to cut myself off entirely from people close to me for ANY amount of time without them staging a large scale intervention (and I think I would appreciate it once it was over with). So, these days I can go maybe at the MAX a few hours to a day and a half, at the most, before cycling back into communication. But I think I'm okay with that. It's something that would have freaked me out a few years ago, but now feels like a safety mechanism against me going to really dark and dangerous places in my head.
Long distance people are a bit different and harder to manage overall. They are also some of my most tempestuous relationships, and I find myself "breaking up" with them mentally for months at a time. It's hard because we've all changed so much in the past few years - them getting more religious and me getting less - and trying to figure out where those people fit in my life, and me in theirs, has been really difficult and painful.
Oh! I'll also add that there have been people I've cut off for years at a time. Two friends from childhood in particular, and I've cut them off twice for more than two years each time. They've been beyond gracious with me, and we've definitely had a LOT of trust stuff to work through, but the fact that they have just been there and willing to take me back each time has been huge for me. Super humbling. Really, really deeply meaningful.
Edit: and I don't say that to make excuses for my behavior. At all!
If someone has cut you off because of PTSD things, I don't think you should excuse their behavior in a way that puts down your own experience of it. I would hate it if someone did that for me, even if their asking me to take responsibility for my actions and the pain I've caused is its own kind of painful.
I honestly can't even imagine how hard it would be to not take it personally. But I think, PTSD or not, people SO often make choices at the end of the day because of their OWN stuff (needs, desire, baggage, etc), even when they think it is because of other people. I'm really sorry you are experiencing this (which is what I'm hearing between the lines). And I hope you will find a way to release yourself from it so that you can care for yourself as best as you can in the mean time.
Long distance people are a bit different and harder to manage overall. They are also some of my most tempestuous relationships, and I find myself "breaking up" with them mentally for months at a time. It's hard because we've all changed so much in the past few years - them getting more religious and me getting less - and trying to figure out where those people fit in my life, and me in theirs, has been really difficult and painful.
Oh! I'll also add that there have been people I've cut off for years at a time. Two friends from childhood in particular, and I've cut them off twice for more than two years each time. They've been beyond gracious with me, and we've definitely had a LOT of trust stuff to work through, but the fact that they have just been there and willing to take me back each time has been huge for me. Super humbling. Really, really deeply meaningful.
Edit: and I don't say that to make excuses for my behavior. At all!
If someone has cut you off because of PTSD things, I don't think you should excuse their behavior in a way that puts down your own experience of it. I would hate it if someone did that for me, even if their asking me to take responsibility for my actions and the pain I've caused is its own kind of painful.
I honestly can't even imagine how hard it would be to not take it personally. But I think, PTSD or not, people SO often make choices at the end of the day because of their OWN stuff (needs, desire, baggage, etc), even when they think it is because of other people. I'm really sorry you are experiencing this (which is what I'm hearing between the lines). And I hope you will find a way to release yourself from it so that you can care for yourself as best as you can in the mean time.
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When my symptoms are active I find it just about impossible to contact anyone. This can last for months -- and sometimes years. It feels that all of my energy goes into staying alive. And the symptoms are disconcerting -- I can be snappy, if not fully raged, fragmented, 'absent', and it's very uncomfortable for hours and days afterwards, on top of the deeper struggle.
I've learned, for the most part, to accept this, and often now it feels more like Solitude (rather than Exile). I'm very grateful that I have a great community of friends who are used to me spending a lot of time alone. They always eventually check in, and always welcome me with great warmth when we catch up again.
(nb -- my main long-term daily relationship is with a co-worker who lives on the other side of the country -- I joke that one day I hope to be able to have a daily phone relationship with someone in the same time zone : - ) : - (
I've learned, for the most part, to accept this, and often now it feels more like Solitude (rather than Exile). I'm very grateful that I have a great community of friends who are used to me spending a lot of time alone. They always eventually check in, and always welcome me with great warmth when we catch up again.
(nb -- my main long-term daily relationship is with a co-worker who lives on the other side of the country -- I joke that one day I hope to be able to have a daily phone relationship with someone in the same time zone : - ) : - (
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BewitchedBewildered
Gold Member
My ex-sufferer cut me out of his life 9 months ago
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- #10
@nahla1204 - I am glad you found this place!! I hope you'll find good advice and encouragement.
@LilBit - Thanks for your response! I think you know what you need. I think there is also a difference between moving on and doing what you need to do in your life with an open space in your heart where that person can return to, and writing someone off. I don't think anyone should ever suspend their life and their needs for someone who has cut them off, but I do believe that one can absolutely practice expectant waiting without it being a life-sucking black hole or something unhealthy. But it's absolutely up to you which is best for you and the situation, and I know I couldn't do any kind of waiting or writing off, personally, without the support of people who I know will call me out if I cross a line into unhealth. Does that make sense?? I hope so. And I also hope your waiting will not be in vain!! I genuinely and deeply hope for reconciliation between you and your friend.
@LilBit - Thanks for your response! I think you know what you need. I think there is also a difference between moving on and doing what you need to do in your life with an open space in your heart where that person can return to, and writing someone off. I don't think anyone should ever suspend their life and their needs for someone who has cut them off, but I do believe that one can absolutely practice expectant waiting without it being a life-sucking black hole or something unhealthy. But it's absolutely up to you which is best for you and the situation, and I know I couldn't do any kind of waiting or writing off, personally, without the support of people who I know will call me out if I cross a line into unhealth. Does that make sense?? I hope so. And I also hope your waiting will not be in vain!! I genuinely and deeply hope for reconciliation between you and your friend.
Duff, I really don't think there is any such animal, anyone who is supportive or understanding of you if you even attempt to keep an open space in your heart for someone who willfully deserted you. And where I stand right now seems to be in the final stage of grief. For all intents and purposes, when a sufferer cuts you from his/her life suddenly and totally, it registers on the supporter end the exact same as a sudden death. And even though I promised I would not be yet another person who gave up, my psyche is doing it for me. It is the only way my subconscious knows how to cope with someone who is just GONE. Expectant waiting, I really like those words. But there is no expectation, no promise that I am waiting for anything whatsoever. Pretty much like waiting for Lazarus only Jesus already ascended. Lazarus ain't coming out. So keeping hope alive is just keeping it raw and you can't live with that pain on and on. Your mind has to finalize it.
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