Avoidance Issues.

[Abstract]

This is just a vent in a way but feedback would be fine.

This stuff is so pervasive for me. When I make any connection with someone the impulse is to avoid after. The idea of caring feels almost physically painful for me. It frightens me. It almost feels like the actual feeling is saturated with so much that it is always a bit of a hot potato.

It extends to other things too. Trauma. Reality. Therapy.

In some ways I am probably doing myself a disservice as there are many things I have managed but the above is still true. It's just very wearying how much constant energy it takes and thats before I get to anything significant. Its a bore.

In many ways I think my solution has been to compress myself into an almost negative state of being. Like an anti existence state.

 

[The Albatross]

I think I would explore the connections you make to "caring" that causes you such mental distress.

I know in my own case it had more to do with the keen awareness of my own personal shortcomings than it did fear per se. It was a confidence issue, a risk, a potential vulnerability that I didn't like.

Is it awful or survivable that "It's just wearying how much constant energy it takes" or that "its a bore"?

Your last sentence is intriguing to me because though you say, "in many ways I think my solution has been to compress myself into an almost negative state of being. Like an anti existence state"... you seem to be very engaged here on this forum, though it is two dimensional rather than three. Perhaps this is something you can build on?

 

[Abstract]

Thanks Alba.

Engagement somewhere like here is a new thing in my life and it is through will and doesn't come naturally. It is a whole lot easier than when I first joined an online community when I first decided to try to desensitise myself and build up tolerance to connection in a mental health environment. The idea was to find it easier and therefore find therapy tolerable. I thought of it as my therapy preparation bootcamp. Last therapy I had I only managed to speak a few sentences per session on average. Its hard to want to help the other relationships in my life as the desire would feel too much still at present. But I avoid a lot on here too.

I have no trouble doing superficial socialising with others and am socially adept - often.Other times I am mess but less often. Not adept naturally but again because of long and hard work to overcome extreme social phobia I had as a child where I could barely speak to anyone.

The aspect of fear of connection to others that stems from self esteem issues and perfectionism is no longer the main issue for me. Although I certainly am not cured my perfectionism it no longer causes significant dysfunction in my life. Again because of working on it.

Vulnerability and risk? Certainly. Fear itself does seem like the centre of it.

Its certainly survivable to find the most basic thing such a cost energy wise as is the tedium of being me. Nice? not.

I presently have a long bout of finding it impossible to answer any communication from anyone of significance in my life. The guilt is all consuming but doesn't overcome the avoidance.

 

[Badger]

Abstract, you sound so much like my sufferer. Especially the answering communication thing. I guess I would just say in the long run this is probably not a fun way to live your life. Is there any way you could sort of challenge yourself to just do it? Set a goal, answer one text, a day, one email a week, something-whatever feels right to you? You are intelligent, insightful, and you contribute a lot here. I have seasonal depression (tend to isolate in the winter) and I do find that when Im feeling tired and ambivelent (not outright negative) forcing myself to get out tthere can suck, but once I get there I'm OK. Not having PTSD, groups are more the challenge for me and it's not as diffucult to do the 1 on 1 thing.

 

[Phenioxrising]

This goes off topic, but I was wondering how long you've had DID Abstract? Also if you've found any relief or peace of mind?

 

[therisa]

@Abstract reading your posts, I am reminded of my own struggles, but for different reasons.

Just coming to the local library, on a daily basis, is a huge moral victory, for me, which my medical team have been encouraging me, to do more, on a daily basis. And yes, group settings beyond 4 people are, a very strong emotional trigger, for me, setting off varying degree of anxiety attacks. Even, in the company of a person, whom I trust, I slip in and out of disassociating, often, having to pulled back, into reality, by them.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Badger, I keep meaning to reply to your thread about isolation but never get there. Doing a lot of that lately. Hopping around the forum.

This isn't the nicest way to live. I guess the truth is that until I deal with the underlying trauma the rest will be an uphill battle. Tricky since I believe I made it up most of the time and have big issues getting into therapy. Which I am working hard on and am making progress on but which is still difficult.

Its interesting you bring up depression because I agree with what Kas said on your thread. The avoidance I get from depression is different to this type. Sorry you get depression as it is an awful, potentially lethal condition.

I work constantly on trying to stop slipping away from the world entirely. Sometimes texts from people I have some connection to have me go into a freeze. Not there at present so that is good. I always have little aims of doing this and that. Ironically if the pressure and guilt go up too much I get more and more frozen and achieve less and less so it is a balancing act.

At present I am going to be phoning my sister. I have had almost no contact with her for a year. Unable to answer messages most of the time. The idea of the phonecall is painful. Three weeks late wishing one of my two remaining friends happy birthday via an email.

It feels a little as if I would be a micro version of one those compressible storage bags, crumpled up, if I didn't constantly keep striving at stay here.

If you asked to phone the Prime Minister now and debate some political issue I would have no problem doing so. In person with him and a group of MP's? Unless I am having PTSD symptoms then no trouble. Phone my sister? Different story.

 

[Abstract]

Phoenixrising,
I wish I could help but I don't have DID although I do have dissociative issues. There are others on here who do though. The most troubling part where I temporarily loose information without dissociative trance I have improved significantly by continuously telling myself to notice what is happening around me ad naming emotions and experiences. Dairy writing every day going over everything that happened in it and how I felt. Maybe start a specific thread on what is troubling you the most. I need to overpower the internal messages that tell me to cut things out.

Theresa, I am sorry you are so trapped. Glad you are fighting it and make little steps of progress. Its like being trapped isnt it? I think a lot comes from the experiencing of old fear that feels like it is about the present.

 

[Mayday]

If you asked to phone the Prime Minister now and debate some political issue I would have no problem doing so. In person with him and a group of MP's? Unless I am having PTSD symptoms then no trouble. Phone my sister? Different story

I could have written this for myself Abstract. Avoidance is a big thing for me too. Fear of intimacy, of connection, of having to respond. I really should email so and so to say happy birthday, but what if they then want to start a conversation? I'll just avoid that entirely.

Therapy was really hard for me to get into, as I've had bad experiences with mental health care. However this year, I think the stars aligned and my last few months of therapy have been helping with a lot of my issues. Intimacy of any sort still freaks me out, but at least I know have some idea of how to start dealing with things. It started with very small steps, and being able to get reassurance from my therapist along the way.

I think what has played a huge part in my using avoidance as a coping strategy is that avoidance was modeled to me growing up. If anything was the slightest bit uncomfortable or awkward, then the adults in my life just avoided dealing with it. No wonder I grew up doing the same. Just realising that I am acting the same way towards myself, that they acted towards me, has helped give me the motivation and strength to really try to push forward and deal with things that previously I would have avoided.

It's a hard road though.

 

[The Albatross]

Engagement somewhere like here is a new thing in my life and it is through will and doesn't come naturally. It is a whole lot easier than when I first joined an online community when I first decided to try to desensitise myself and build up tolerance to connection in a mental health environment. The idea was to find it easier and therefore find therapy tolerable. ... Last therapy I had I only managed to speak a few sentences per session on average. Its hard to want to help the other relationships in my life as the desire would feel too much still at present. But I avoid a lot on here too.
[snip]
Its certainly survivable to find the most basic thing such a cost energy wise as is the tedium of being me. Nice? not.
[snip]
I presently have a long bout of finding it impossible to answer any communication from anyone of significance in my life. The guilt is all consuming but doesn't overcome the avoidance.

Okay so. I hear/read you saying that engagement is a new thing and that it takes will because this is new (like on this forum). I would propose that as you reinforce the habit of engaging on this forum it is reasonable and rational to expect that the energy and will expended will decrease as the new habit/behavior becomes normalized and that time, practice, consistency will ultimately resolve this issue. It is not nearly as difficult to ride a bicycle as it is to learn how to ride one or by using will power to stick with learning how to ride a bicycle... right? It normalizes. Is that fair to suggest?

I read you to say that last therapy you only managed to speak a few sentences, and that the effort and will you are using is an attempt to desensitize yourself and build up tolerance for a connection in the therapeutic environment (and perhaps ultimately to your 3 dimensional relationships). Good goal. How is it going?

Tedium and energy expenditure not nice, check. But when you put it up against the goal, how does it stack up? Worth it? Not worth it?

Last bit.... I hear you saying that you are presently blocked in your ability to communicate with significant people in your life. This is causing you to feel guilt but not motivating you to initiate change at this time - key words, at this time. Guilt indicates that you aren't able to sit comfortably with this realization. So if guilt is not a motivation to change, can you find a more effective motivation that better serves you to move forward?

That's about all I got ... hope it is helpful..

 

[Badger]

Albatross pretty much covered it. Guilt makes it worse. I don't think that problem is unique to PTSD. Probably the scope is though, but everyone slips into this sometimes. My moms b-day is tommorrow and I forgot to get her a card! (mail takes 4 days to get to her house) Its going to be really hard to call her on the phone now that I did that!

It's easier to maintain a behavior/connection then it is to create it or recreate it. My sufferer tends to do better with routine. Now that it's cold, we have playdates with our kids most thursdays at my house. I think this helps him to be consistant because he knows what to expect. Its easier for him to go out then it is for him to have me over his house too. Not sure why this is-maybe there is less expectation there for him.

Maybe there would be some little routine of connection you could get into or start to follow...

 

[The Albatross]

Back again and doing some avoiding myself now as I have yet to look at something potentially problematic in my own credit report.

So far as my last bit of post #10... where I said, "I hear you saying that you are presently blocked in your ability to communicate with significant people in your life. This is causing you to feel guilt but not motivating you to initiate change at this time - key words, at this time. Guilt indicates that you aren't able to sit comfortably with this realization. So if guilt is not a motivation to change, can you find a more effective motivation that better serves you to move forward?"

It occurred to me as I came back on to remember what the heck I wrote (because I got a notification for quoting entire posts)... that sometimes I get some leverage on when I self examine not the guilt... but the core beliefs about the change I'm not initiating. A good for instance, would be if I felt resentful. Or if I felt it would not be appreciated or reciprocated. Stuff like that. Some times it's just a plain and simple thing like: those involved with me directly seem to be okay with the status quo even though I'm not but I'm not motivated to get out there and speak up about my own needs and upset their apple carts.

Possibly helpful... or not. Best I can do.

Edited to add: I did some time in manufacturing engineering for electronics. As a result there was a hard and fast rule: Go or no go (it works, move it on ahead v.s. it doesn't work, scrap it or retrofit it). My brain really works this way. Scary, isn't it? But on the other hand it has saved my bacon probably more than it has gotten my ass into trouble.