Avoidance Issues.

[The Albatross]

:hug: ;) You'll best this, you'll be okay... in your own time, in your own way... in a way that works or makes sense for you at the appropriate/most opportune time. I believe it Abstract.

So get off your duff, roll up your sleeves and get to work to make this thing happen, eh?

 

[Abstract]

I could have written this for myself Abstract

Thanks for sharing Mayday. Its the crux of it. A long time ago I might have thought it was confidence or related things but having worked on all that and peeled other things away I am left facing the core stuff.

I think the stars aligned a

I hope they do for me too soon! It helps to hear that others who have found T difficult have found a way through. Interestingly my parents didn't have a problem expressing anger or displeasure amongst other things but I felt any leaking out of this stuff made me a target.

 

[Abstract]

Thanks for the vote of confidence Alba and the :hug: Often, underneath the hopelessness I do believe I will change it.

energy and will expended will decrease

It is very hard for me to acknowledge the change for various reasons bit least of which is the fact that I am still unable to get into therapy which makes me feel like i haven't moved at all. But the truth is that I am about a million times better at being able to speak about mental health issues and connect to others in a more genuine way with way less fallout. At the beginning it would be hard to put into words how my reactions from saying almost nothing. My connections in the real world? Not that different yet.

Worth it?

It isn't even a case of worth it or not and is rather a case of there being no other choice.

a more effective motivation

My guilt was keeping me totally frozen in self hatred and I have been trying to lesson it and gain some radical acceptance. The main motivator that is positive is being able to see a T so I can get better. Thinking of the people I hurt just backfires.

core beliefs

Did this too and worked out a lot of things, got rid of unhealthy people and put up appropriate boundaries. Am left with the feelings about the feelings themselves and knowledge of why but needing therapy to move forward.

My mind doesn't work that dissimilarity to yours naturally. For me what I have found much more difficult is connecting to my emotional world and balancing that with the logical side. I find the DBT concept of wise mind so better than CBT for that reason.

 

[Abstract]

Guilt makes it worse.

You are so right! And I also think very little is the exclusive domain of PTSD.

It's easier to maintain a behavior/connection then it is to create it or recreate it

Very true!At the beginning I needed to post all the time when I started discussing things in a mental health environment. I found if the door shut it was that much harder to open it again. Shall consider what routine would be doable. It is the unexpected PTSD trigger stuff that often knocks me off course. This stuff gets intensified enormously when triggered. Thanks!

 

[Mayday]

I found that coming on here and both reading other people's experiences and sharing my own, has helped me both to get into therapy (after numerous bad experiences and a lot of avoidance/fear about having another bad experience) and to bring up things that I would otherwise have not been able to say.

I don't know if this will help. But in my case, I pushed myself into having another go at therapy, not to deal with my past experiences or anything emotional. But because I just had so many issues relating to concentration/focus etc...that I knew I had to do something about it or face the fact that I'd never be able to sustain a job/career. Initially I went in, convinced I must have something like ADHD. The psychiatrist fobbed me off for a long time, then because I didn't let the matter rest, he passed the buck by insisting I get reviewed by a psychologist first. Which turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

I think it helped to lesson my fear about therapy, because I wasn't going in with the intention of dealing with any of my issues with relationships or whatever (which I'd given up on ever being able to resolve), but was going in with the aim of just getting functional enough to work, or be deemed dysfunctional enough that I could stop "trying" and just accept the situation. I think that took a lot of the pressure off both me, and my expectations of therapy, for long enough for me to get just a little bit of trust in the process, and for the psychologist to pick up that there were a lot of factors at play, and my issues with concentration/focus were just the tip of the iceberg.

It isn't even a case of worth it or not and is rather a case of there being no other choice.

That's exactly where it got to for me too. This stuff is so, so hard. I'm not much for hugs, even online, but if I could send some choc chip cookies to you, I would. :)

 

[Abstract]

not to deal with my past experiences or anything emotional. But because I just had so many issues relating to concentration/focus etc...that I knew I had to do something about it or face the fact that I'd never be able to sustain a job/career. Initially I went in, convinced I must have something like ADHD

This sounds astonishingly like my experience actually. I had started realising that something was seriously wrong after what I call my awakening period. which started after my mishap with a long term therapist. I had improved in a lot of areas and started being more present. Enough to know that I felt totally out of control in my life.

I contacted a psychiatrist online for a basic evaluation and to know if it was worth while being evaluated for ADD. She brought up the word trauma. Which I rejected entirely at the time (I hadn't told her any of my experiences). Then a fellow person online (who was a trauma T and had PTSD) called it and pointed it out to me and that I didn't address the stuff I was avoiding. After that it has been a terrible battle as it woke up this other side of my brain that is determined to use every possible dirty trick to keep me out of therapy and convinced I am making everything up. Got a diagnoses and had a short bout of trauma therapy but that only seemed to intensify it. If the charity had not been time limited and shooed me out onto the street again I might have been OK.

I am now at a point where everything is about trying to get back into therapy and doing that is about negotiating the part of my bran that desperately wants help and won't let me give up and the other part that is out to destroy me if I discuss anything or get help.

Thanks for sharing your success. It helps to know when people who have similar stuff are successful and I accept the cookies thank you! :)