Avoiding by choosing something else I’d avoid or just avoiding?

Not open for further replies.


I had a pretty successful EMDR session last week and I’d like to continue the momentum, however my T always the pot stirrer made me question my motives.

Last week I comforted the teen and though her sadness overwhelmed I gave her comfort for a bit before leaving the memory. As I’ve said in a previous post my T asked me if I wanted to take her into my safe space, something I’ve done with other versions of younger me, though one she surprised and was there (ah the reason I chose not to end with safe space), I told him no because her sadness was overwhelming. Feelings are not my forte so the fact that I sat with her at all is a small miracle. Over the weekend I thought about moving to a memory that I was dead set against revisiting 6 months ago and my T said for how long did I want to avoid it because it seemed significant that we not. I told him I had no idea and I’d let him know when I was ready. He kept bringing it up so I told him I wanted 6 weeks without mention. That’s been 3 or so months ago but he hasn’t brought it up because we moved to different memories.

The reason I didn’t want to go over that memory is because the teen was very angry at me and nothing I could do was helping. I told my T I shouldn’t have to put up with that from anyone but especially, me.

The feelings are the same, sorry not sure how to explain that as they clearly aren’t but with the other three memories that I’ve successfully comforted mini me I could sense what she was feeling like you would someone else you were trying to comfort but with the these two memories it’s like I’m marinating in them, they’re contagious and heavy, too heavy.

having had success with the teen I kind of want to see if I can replicate it in the angry memory. My T asked if I only wanted to change to avoid the feelings from Friday’s experience. Honestly I know that is part of the motivation, I’m not sure how much but also if all I was doing was avoiding I have dozens of memories and all but about 8 are easier than this one so if my only motivation was avoidance wouldn’t I just pick one of those?

My question is how do I know if I’m avoiding by picking the other memory versus feeling the need to go back to unfinished business? I kind of feel like I’m ready to stop avoiding the other memory, also going back to last weeks memory and just sitting in her sadness, holds zero allure. My T says it’s up to me but to complicate matters after Thursday when I would do whichever of these I choose he‘ll be out of town for a week so if the angry teen blows up in my face I won’t have an appointment for a bit.

So how would you know? Any suggestions? Questions that might help me make the decision? Something else I’m not seeing?
of the time I don’t know. I can identify what anyone else is feeling, but I remain a mystery. I even downloaded an app to try to help but so far success has been slow.
I look at the feelings wheel sometimes. Helps me work through each feeling on there to see if any of them fit. Sometimes I find a feeling , sometimes I don't. And then I don't know if what I'm feeling actually is what that feeling is. How do you know? Anyway, just sharing as you're not the only one who struggles with that, so you're not alone in it.
My T likes to take whatever I’m avoiding more and go with that. I made the decision to move back to the other memory today and since I have my session tomorrow I decided to go through the memory. Yep I’m definitely avoiding that one more. I read it from my journal but then trying to replay it in my head was a big nope. Unable to breathe no. So I guess I’ll see where that takes me tomorrow. maybe sleep will make it easier…
I told him no because her sadness was overwhelming
I don’t do ‘sadness’, full stop. It’s the one emotion I cannot handle/deal with/or in any other way work around. I’ve tried. I may try again, at some point, but at present? It’s an impossible thing. Grief. Sorrow. Regret. Remorse. Etc… I can handle/sort/deal with. But sadness? Nope.

TEENAGERS -speaking as a parent- are in violent hormonal surges that amplify anything/everything infinitely past the bounds of anything that anyone deals with who is NOT a toddler/ teenager/ pregnant/ menopause. Think? Trigger levels of KABOOM! Because hormones. They eventually learn self-control & emotional monitoring & regulation. Because the hormones are there to stay, and not a temporary thing like pregnancy. But until they learn? All their self control goes out the damn window, and anything has the potential to be a nuclear meltdown.

The upside of hormonal surges? They’re suuuuuper temporary. Hours. At most. Often? Minutes & Moments.

Attempting to integrate a teenager… ? IME/IMO …Would mean accepting the influence of those who have learned self control. Who have survived the hormones and come out the other side to master of them. Rather than “validating” nonsense.

IE self confidence. In spades. To be able to back them down without gutting yourself.

Bueno Suerte
Buena Fortuna
Good Luck
Break a leg.
IE self confidence. In spades. To be able to back them down without gutting yourself.
So your saying I have a snowballs chance in hell?

Honestly how I get though the school year is probably Nothing short of a miracle or I truly am two different people the confident teacher and me. I have more confidence in my ability to comfort someone who is sad then to calm an angry one. All you have to do for someone who is sad is acknowledge it and find ways to make them happy. My experience with angry is that what works one moment doesn’t work the next which messes with me.

You definitely make a point though because I was completely scared of the angry one which is probably why she kept coming for me. I’d ask how you fake confidence but I know from experience that since the younger ones literally wrote the book on me, they see BS a mile away.
So your saying I have a snowballs chance in hell?

Depends on how keen you are to learn the strengths necessary.

I suspect you’re rather keen on the ability, and rather disenchanted with the process & patience.

But I may be judging others by myself, in that.

Self confidence? Can be faked, until it becomes real. But it’s better experienced.
Not open for further replies.