Avoiding health care because you feel you deserve whatever condition

[Rose White]

I have had this throughout my adult life. Broke my front teeth, didn’t fix for years because I believed I deserved broken teeth. Recently noticed I have tinnitus. Inside I believe I deserve to feel uncomfortable.

This might be related to repressed anger. And something about control. Not having needs, form of control.

I get really upset about people being selfish, and this seems related to that too. Because my dad always told me I was selfish, so I was determined to become loveable maybe idk.

I know he was selfish, but undoing all this is tiring.

 

[Rose White]

I guess similar is not feeling I deserve money. I got divorced 5 years ago and my ex husband has been promoted to head of his department three years ago and bought new cars and I don’t seek child support. Hmmm…. Idk. Worth I guess? I feel I have to pay but to receive is no good.

 

[user27357]

avoiding health care because being a tough enough guy that can take it has been a thing. I tolerated a slow death pain partly because it wasnt properly diagnosed, partly because the pain was pretty heavily masked by mega doses of numbitol and mostly because i could take it and thought i should. It put me in an ER and a hospital ward for awhile. I dont do that anymore.
We all deserve the best health care available. Human life is precious, one, and suffering that is avoidable absolutely should be, two.

 

[Rose White]

Oh thank you for the response. I forgot about gendered stuff like “tough enough guy” thank you for the perspective. I know women have a different perspective sometimes “too busy to get sick/hurt.” I forgot about the societal stuff. It could be related to that in some ways too, good to see the normalization. Idk for me if it’s about tough or busy. More like worthlessness. But maybe tough enough is also related to worthless idk. Worthlessness is a cousin of SI maybe.

 

[user27357]

The peer pressure among men to live lives of quiet desperation is a very real thing. A beer with the guy that worked a shift with a broken finger is cooler than hanging out with the guy that went home because his rain gear leaked. You dont show weakness because it is so very close to worthlessness. And you dont want anyone to know about your inner fear of or acceptance of your worthlessness. Quite the opposite is the reality really. I have value, my time has value, my time spent indoors by a fire with a loved one is valuable, more valuable than holding a tag line on a girder in the rain with wet socks

 

[gorgonzola]

I guess similar is not feeling I deserve money. I got divorced 5 years ago and my ex husband has been promoted to head of his department three years ago and bought new cars and I don’t seek child support. Hmmm…. Idk. Worth I guess? I feel I have to pay but to receive is no good.

If you're paying for all the childraising out of your own pocket currently then you're effectively paying ex back his share of raising the kids since his share is coming out of your pocket rather than his. Doesn't sound like he needs you to actively subsidize his lifestyle, and his share should be pretty substantial. If you really don't want your own money, pick a more deserving charity than him.

I'm sure it's more nuanced than that, but it ought not be.

Even if with it nothing else changes, you'd be able to put it aside in a college or other savings account or what have you for them that you couldn't before, and so much the better for your kids.

 

[Rose White]

I wish it were that easy to see the points like “we all deserve best” “suffering that is avoidable should be” and “choose yourself or a charity”.

I actually thought I was so much farther along in my recovery than this. So the cognitive distortion is maybe the worthlessness. Idk why it feels so cozy. Religious ideology about blessed are the poor and wretched and sick and all that BS too.

 

[Rose White]

I think i understand the worthlessness. And here’s the cognitive distortion foundation. I’m repulsive because a dad would want to protect his kid not f*ck them, toy with them, and beat them. But also that makes him repulsive. I’m just as repulsive from having him as a dad because that’s who I “loved”. So I’m naturally disgusting to healthy ppl because of my distorted perception of my self and others. I know it’s he who is disgusting but I can’t stop identifying with him and projecting myself onto him because of the csa and the relationship. It’s really hard to separate from a feeling of worthlessness when there’s incest. And that’s just how it is. This will always be my foundation and I will always return to this and I’ll survive because I have a lot of distractions. Surviving csa is about having enough distractions. And I’ll feel better and stronger and say I’m fine and glad I’m not that low anymore but I’ll always return here. All humans experience alienation and csa is a special flavor of alienation that’s hard to convey and unfortunately too many people know about it. Oh well. Good for those brave survivors who spoke out in Washington yesterday. I’m not thread jacking just digging down to the bottom of my familiarity with worthlessness. I see the bottom of it: if dad/parent f*cks with you it alters ability to hold worth on a certain level. I was able to build a self but the worth is unstable. So far.

 

[Movingforward10]

worthlessness.

I keep coming back to "it doesn't matter because I don't matter".
And that covers our health needs, our nutritional needs, our sleep needs, our basic care needs, our comfort, our pain etc etc etc.
That deep deep inner self abandonment that is ingrained from that pre verbal stage.

 

[Movingforward10]

Surviving csa is about having enough distractions.

if dad/parent f*cks with you it alters ability to hold worth on a certain level. I was able to build a self but the worth is unstable

I see both of those as a lack of foundations. Children who have good enough care givers have those foundations. A sense of grounding. A sense of self. And a sense of self worth.
When you have an abusive and sexually abusive parent, you're floating around with no grounding, no sense of self, no self worth.
Can those ever be truly overcome? I may be too much in my little pit at the moment, and my trauma is different to yours, but I think we can't undo the past and we can't magic up what wasn't there. But we can build foundations for our self now. It's not the same as what it should have been. But we can learn to love ourselves. I also see those things as *constant work*. Because our foundations are like proping up the house that was collapsing. So there is a fragility but also strength in it.
Maybe a better analogy is that Japanese thing where broken items are mended together with melted gold and it gives the item more value and care?

 

[Rose White]

I keep coming back to "it doesn't matter because I don't matter".

Living life like a friendly ghost. I always liked Casper.

@Movingforward10

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I get really upset about people being selfish, and this seems related to that too. Because my dad always told me I was selfish, so I was determined to become loveable maybe idk.

Me with greed, I vividly remember doing everything to not seem greedy and fixating on that since I was young.

I have had this throughout my adult life. Broke my front teeth, didn’t fix for years because I believed I deserved broken teeth. Recently noticed I have tinnitus. Inside I believe I deserve to feel uncomfortable.

I have a big history of this. So much self-neglect because of believeing it’s the right thing to the point of actually feeling uncomfortable with the idea of or any attempts to fix the problem. Being cold, hungry, in pain, dirty, etc = right, “comfortable”, being comfortable = wrong, bad, distressing.
Took me a long time to process and actually understand that that meant I think I deserve to suffer. It’s all I talk about now but I was absolutely bewildered at and adamant against the idea of me being a self-punishing person. Only PTSD can make such wild heights of denial lol.