Avoiding Making Friends

[Powder]

I've come to the conclusion that as a PTSD INTJ female, I will have to settle for mostly imaginary friends in life. I'm lucky to have my husband as my BFF. Maybe it's best.

Do you think having PTSD makes it very hard to feel like you can make friends, as an adult?

 

[The Albatross]

I was INFJ, now I'm INFP just how did you arrive at you're conclusion? Had to correct it, not thinking... Feeling.

Yeah I can make friends as an adult.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Muse for so many years I had few friends. When I began to take care of my carer my husband when he got sick with dementia, I lost contact with everyone and was isolated for three years not good for me. When my husband died three years later I was so burnt out that it took me a year to grieve and take a lot of naps.

Now three years later I am getting me back and I am making friends here and in my life. I am not a social butterfly at all I do not do good yet at big gatherings yet.

Take hope Muse, your life may be rocky for a long time but you will begin to feel better and start getting you back. I did not believe there were good people anywhere. But I had one friend that kept on telling me that there were good people in the world and now after twenty five years I am a believer. Just keep on taking the best care of you that are able and it will begin to happen for you as well.

For now I will believe for you until you can.:hug:

 

[Pencil]

Very. I used to make friends easily and maintain friendships over decades. Now I feel as though I have nothing to say. One friend recently called me 'low maintenance' and when I asked her to explain she said I make absolutely no demands. I feel as though I'm in a bubble. Nowadays I find people who socialize quite fascinating - it's like a foreign language.

 

[Powder]

@The Albatross I love your honesty, so refreshing. Thank you.
@Pencil that's it, exactly! Thank you, too.
@gizmo I'm sorry that you went through losing your husband. That happens to be a huge fear of mine that knocks me down pretty frequently at random. It causes me to stiffen just thinking about it. :wideeyed: I have to sort of "not" think about it or I tend to withdraw to "protect myself" from the inevitable loss.

I have that PTSD thing where if it's bad, its totally going to happen to me, right?!

You show that we can go through the dark valley of death and come out the other side. I take hope from that. Thank you. :inlove:

You three are good friends to me if I'm honest. :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

:hug:

 

[The Albatross]

:tup::tup::tup: Yup. ;)

 

[Chitoshi]

I've come to the conclusion that as a PTSD INTJ female, I will have to settle for mostly imaginary friends...

Right now, Muse, I'm struggling so much to make friends as a sexual assault survivor whose perpetrator was someone known to me. I think it could apply to anyone in any trauma context, though. I have a lot of issues trusting people I don't know already, and actually I'm having trouble with a neighbor who I would like to make friend with, and who I have ABSOLUTELY no idea how to even begin inviting her over or inviting her to go somewhere. I'm going to talk to my T about it. :) My boyfriend is my best friend right now and the only one I completely trust to be around by myself. Everyone else tends to make me really anxious after an extended period of time. You're not the only one!

 

[NatBird]

Very. I used to make friends easily and maintain friendships over decades. Now I feel as though I have...

@Pencil yes yes yes can relate to the foreign language thing so much. I watch people socialising and often feel there was a Life Lecture Series that no one told me about.

@Muse I used to make and maintain friendships easily. I sense pretending to have no needs, rescuing and people pleasing helped quite a bit.

Since dropping those tactics and moving towards relating rather than manipulating, I've discovered there are a range of emotional and relational skills that I'm lacking or are quite limited.
A few: dealing with confrontation/conflict of interests; stating needs; the difference between boundaries and walls and of course, capacity to appropriately trust. I feel limited ability in these areas make maintaining friendships quite a challenge.

In terms of MBTI I think being an INFP, over sensitive, reticent, disliking confrontation etc does contribute. I sense the introversion influences the tendency towards avoidance and unhealthy focus on relationship with myself over others. (aka self absorbtion)
I also think the PTSD does contribute.
I have a lot relational/abandonment trauma in my history and often feel that once people get close and find out more about me they will back away or refuse to acknowledge those parts. Unfortunately this has been the case. I'm open to the idea that I've been picking folks who affirm this. In fact I think that's what it is:( Plus some unrealistic expectations.

The people I manage to maintain some type of friendships with at current, are people with PTSD or those living in other cities or countries.

Um, think I'm waffling so will be quiet now.

 

[EveHarrington]

Very. I used to make friends easily and maintain friendships over decades. Now I feel as though I have...

It's never crossed my mind to make requests of friends let alone demands. This is a foreign concept to me.

 

[Pencil]

It's never crossed my mind to make requests of friends let alone demands. This is a foreign concept to me.

Exactly! When I heard that friends apparently make demands, and are 'high maintenance', and that they stay friends, I was astonished. And; I'm sure I could never get away with that. Although, I still wonder what kind of demands friends make on one another ...

INFP, over sensitive, reticent, disliking confrontation

Ditto.

 

[Powder]

@NatBird
I can relate to the issue of having changed and having changed from a relating style that is mostly formed in growing up with narcissists with few boundaries or emotional intelligence, one of "giving" without acknowledging one's own needs, to one of realizing that will simply not do.

I'm nearing 40. It's a very slow process of un-learning this kind of way of thinking/feeling and living. In the process, like you, I simply don't know a sense of balance.

PTSD, I have read, is mostly to blame for the slowness in that the PTSD Sufferer is in the process of suppressing fear emotion, and therefore ALL emotion, most of the time. This is subconscious, so it is hard to find a way to make it conscious.

Often I have a feeling come over me, a physical feeling of numbness and consciousness colliding and vibrating together.

It gives me pause, and I ask myself "What am I feeling?" and always I find that I feel a sense of Fear, that something bad is about to happen, that it is always happening, inside of me.

Like last night and recently, I was traveling and trying to enjoy being some place nice, only to feel a sense of fear stop me, leading to boredom from lack of ability to relax/enjoy. Boredom leads to frustration, more fear, and then if it keeps going...Anger!

I usually like to stay home, because of this dynamic. It is really a challenge for people with disorders to enjoy the simple things in life that C.S. Lewis says wisdom requires.

There is so much stress in life. Where is there room for the things that make life good in PTSD? The answer is, there is little room left. So you do what you can with what "wiggle room" you do have and then appreciate the hell out of that.

Celebrate whatever joy you can squeeze out of life. I have to stop looking just as what I DON'T have.