Avoiding my own home

[TTC18]

This is going to sound really stupid, but I'm a long-time stalking victim, thought I was safe for a while but then was 'found' again - and now I can't stand being in my own home. I'm bouncing around right now, trying to find other places to live - thinking of selling, thinking of renting it out, but can't face the time it would take to be there and even pack up all my stuff. When I do have to go back for whatever reason, I feel like there's a timer running, and I have to GET OUT!!! GET OUT!!! as fast as possible.
I know the whole 'you can't let other people run your life and make you afraid' stuff. Ok yea, fine - but I'm terrified. I spend hours every day making lists of alternatives - and I think, 'Oh, well, I could just take an hour every day to pack and then it'd be done in no time.' And then I just can't bring myself to get in the car and go. Or I think, Oh well, I could put up an 8 foot fence. And then I think about the time it'd take to put up the fence and how vulnerable I'd be while putting up the fence, AND the fact that if someone really wanted to, they could climb an 8 foot fence. And anyone who'd be willing to climb the 5 foot fence that's already there would just as easily climb an 8 foot fence.
I can tell myself a million times that *probably* nothing will happen, and if I put out enough booby traps and lights and alarms and so on, I'll *probably* be safe. But my fear won't listen. I've been in situations before, over the years, when I couldn't leave after the stalker found me - I couldn't do anything but just sit and wait and hope nothing happened.. and all that happened was more threats... But I never felt better, I just kept getting more terrified waiting for the shoe to drop. That makes me think that forcing myself to just go and put my big girl panties on and live in my own house isn't going to be good.
At the same time, there's this practical part of me saying, 'Cmon - you can't live like this forever - you have a house you're paying a mortgage on, you can't just leave it and never go back.' But I think that part is REALLY STUPID because I also can't go back and live there.
I know I'm not the only person who's been stalked, etc here - so any insights into where I could go from here would be great.

 

[susannahsays]

C used to do this. She was also stalked, and unfortunately attacked several times in the home. We have moved somewhere else now, several hours away and he hasn't found us. In your case, it sounds like moving might not be the best option, because nothing has happened in this house - and you don't want to start a habit of frequent moves. Do you have a security system? That might help you feel better. You could also get one of those Life Alert things (or similar) for old people. It's intended for if they fall or have some other medical emergency, but it would also work if you needed to get help. Just some ideas. Maybe you could get some pets or even a roommate. It sounds like right now you're alone? It might help to have the company of a dog or cat. A dog could also alert you if someone was approaching.

 

[TTC18]

It's already a habit -I've moved more times than I can count. No security system, but I have floodlights at the locked gate, cameras, guard dogs, a perimeter fence, and a gun. OK, 2 guns. And I'm a good shot.
I was thinking of digging a moat. Kidding. Sort of. My domestic violence advocate said I'm really really prepared. I said - well, I've been doing this for 20 years.
I was thinking of adding a second and third layer of fencing. But the more elaborate prep I do, the more I feel like -nothing I do will make me feel safe. So I'm torn. Part of me says - maybe I should just find another place to be while I start working on this stuff, since I've been in 100% denial for my whole life, and I'm only now facing the fact that I need help. And maybe I'd do better if I was safe. But on the other hand, I might just forget all about it again when I got safe, which is what I tend to do. As soon as I'm safe, it all goes away. Poof. Fear? What fear? I'm fine! Silly question. lol. I forget REALLY well. I've been on the fence for so long it's starting to feel comfortable up here, but I need to make a choice soon -but I'm petrified of committing myself to any course of action that might be the wrong one. Blah.

 

[susannahsays]

Gosh, I'm sorry to hear that all these measures aren't helping to give you any peace of mind. For me and C, the constant dread was just as bad as the assaults that took place (well, almost as bad). The only time there was a sense of safety was right after an incident when he had left. I felt like I could breathe easy for a minute knowing he wouldn't be back immediately. C stopped feeling the dread and just numbed it out, but I felt it. Sometimes I think I act out sexually and make bad things happen because I'm looking for that sense of relief that only comes when the Bad Thing You Are Dreading has already happened.

Are you in therapy?

Would it help to have a friend or your domestic violence advocate do a run through scenario with you? Do a rehearsal of what you would do if he showed up? I know it's not the same, but it might help to go through the motions. Do you have a sort of plan written down or anything, with contingencies? You seem very prepared, so I don't know if that would help. However, from the sounds of it, you are well equipped to keep yourself safe. I know and understand that it doesn't feel like it. Stalkers take on an almost superhuman sort of persona to their victims. Seems like they are capable of anything and unstoppable. But they aren't. I think if your domestic violence advocate feels like you're taking enough precautions, you are. It certainly seems to me, from my outside perspective, that you are. It sounds to me like home might be one of the safest places you could be if he found you.

 

[TTC18]

Well, yes - and I tell myself that anyone smart enough to get through all the stuff I have prepared would be smart enough to not walk into it, lol - and he's neither, so is likely to walk into it. But my big fear is that despite all the prep, I'll freeze. And I have a minor child to keep safe. The safest place to be is anywhere he doesn't know where I am, really. The advocate says I'm super prepared, but at the same time, I need to do what I need to do to feel safe. And I just can't feel safe. And then I wish I could find a way to just bully myself into staying - and then I hate feeling bullied and pressured, so I want to rebel and just stay away because that's my own decision at least. Blah. My brain keeps spinning in circles.

 

[Stalked]

This is going to sound really stupid, but I'm a long-time stalking victim, thought I was safe for a while but then was 'found' again - and now I can't stand being in my own home. I'm bouncing around right now, trying to find other places to live - thinking of selling, thinking of renting it out, but can't face the time it would take to be there and even pack up all my stuff. When I do have to go back for whatever reason, I feel like there's a timer running, and I have to GET OUT!!! GET OUT!!! as fast as possible.
I know the whole 'you can't let other people run your life and make you afraid' stuff. Ok yea, fine - but I'm terrified. I spend hours every day making lists of alternatives - and I think, 'Oh, well, I could just take an hour every day to pack and then it'd be done in no time.' And then I just can't bring myself to get in the car and go. Or I think, Oh well, I could put up an 8 foot fence. And then I think about the time it'd take to put up the fence and how vulnerable I'd be while putting up the fence, AND the fact that if someone really wanted to, they could climb an 8 foot fence. And anyone who'd be willing to climb the 5 foot fence that's already there would just as easily climb an 8 foot fence.
I can tell myself a million times that *probably* nothing will happen, and if I put out enough booby traps and lights and alarms and so on, I'll *probably* be safe. But my fear won't listen. I've been in situations before, over the years, when I couldn't leave after the stalker found me - I couldn't do anything but just sit and wait and hope nothing happened.. and all that happened was more threats... But I never felt better, I just kept getting more terrified waiting for the shoe to drop. That makes me think that forcing myself to just go and put my big girl panties on and live in my own house isn't going to be good.
At the same time, there's this practical part of me saying, 'Cmon - you can't live like this forever - you have a house you're paying a mortgage on, you can't just leave it and never go back.' But I think that part is REALLY STUPID because I also can't go back and live there.
I know I'm not the only person who's been stalked, etc here - so any insights into where I could go from here would be great.

May I ask what state youre living in

 

[Friday]

@Stalked You may want to explain why you want to know, or simply share the resources you have for xyz states, as asking a stalking victim where they are / even general ideas as to their location, tends to go over like a lead balloon ;)

 

[Buttermilk]

As someone who dealt with stalkers that law enforcement did nothing about I came to the realization through therapy that I needed to desensitize myself to my fear response to them. All the precautions I was taking fueled my state of fear and hyper vigilance, now I don't know your exact situation but I suggest you get in contact with law enforcement

 

[TTC18]

I have been in contact, thanks @Buttermilk

 

[shimmerz]

Yeah, stalking victim here as well. I actually went homeless for about 10 years because I was so terrified of
1. Indoor spaces
2. Outdoor spaces and being followed
3. People
4. Doors and windows
5. Someone finding my address

As a matter of fact, I have had my health insurance cancelled - drivers licenses almost taken away - still won't let people that I know even come into my place.

It is a process.

I get your fear that you are afraid of freezing. This all makes perfect sense. I believe I answered a posting from you a little bit back as well - and at that time he hadn't found you. I am assuming now he has.

So I guess my biggest question to you is this:
Are you running away from your feelings here or are you running away from him?

If you are running from your feelings (even just a little bit) I would suggest that you get a really good therapist and really look at the reality of your situation. My therapist challenges shit. It is super helpful because after what I have lived through, what goes on in my head about them finding me (still an issue for me) is like a three ringed circus. I highly suggest you do whatever you can to start looking at the reality of risks/how your feelings are feeding into this/how much fun you are being to the stalker by bowing to the power of him finding you.

Please note I am not minimizing here. Not one little bit.

 

[TTC18]

I honestly don't know if I'm running from him or my memories of him. I do have a therapist but we're sort of in the beginning stages, and it's very businesslike - as in, OK let's run through these steps, and then you'll be cured! LOL. I'm running through the steps, and will wait to worry until I'm through the steps and uncured. For now, I'm just trying to get through each day.
Do you mind telling me how you managed to get out of your head and start putting life back together? Any tips would be welcome. :)

 

[shimmerz]

Do you mind telling me how you managed to get out of your head and start putting life back together?

I think I haven't figured out yet whether I am back together or not. I still live in the area of my stalkers. There are several of them. It is a small-ish city where I live(d) when the shit all happened so people know people who know people and I still don't know if I am safe.

I think the mind f*ck was though that I didn't want anyone ruining my life again. Like I don't think I will be able to handle that again. And the thing is, if they come after me to kill me? Who gives a shit. With you, having a minor in your charge that would be a whole different thing and I get that.

Anyway, so I am not sure if I am going to be able to explain this properly or not. Some of the thought processes could be in my diary because I think I went through it spring or summer of this year but basically it came down to refusing to torment MYSELF like I had been. I mean, then the abuser(s) are in my head and might as well be living in my apartment, right? So I said enough is enough and started planning what I would do if I ever saw them again.

I had a really hard time with this at first. But I plugged onwards and with the help of my therapist I did some pretty big processing on the horror of it all in case I saw one or many of them in town, which is a strong, strong possibility here.

My therapist also reminded me that I had a stronger community of people surrounding me so had support that I was sorely lacking when the DV happened. I also have learned a lot since then. And I know that I am very resilient. It isn't quite so easy to take my down psychologically it seems. So I have gotten to know myself better as well. That helps.

Freezing was a big thing for me, although my freeze looked more like a drop of death where I would literally fall to the ground and be frozen for days sometimes. It was a big problem. I have that mostly under control as well.

I suggest getting to know a bunch of people. No time like the present to start tapping into that therapist. You want to know that you have one that can handle this stuff. Not every therapist understands the intricacies of being a stalking victim. If you feel you are in danger then you need to get on that with a therapist.

Cameras as well. I had cameras and signs saying that I had cameras. The sign means that if he does actually breach lines, because you noted that there was a camera on your property it is his too bad if he gets caught on tape.

Please let me know if I can be of further help to you at all. This posting may not have been clear enough to be helpful to you and if not, I am sorry for that.