Just thought you all should know I called her today
Well done!
I was thinking about your dilemma yesterday and it occurred to me, that PTSD sufferers are worse than anybody for missing first appointments, and the second, and the third, except maybe for an amnesia patient, but it'll be a close race!
I'm positive the new T. gets it, she will understand why you've missed some appointments and I'm sure you're not the first, nor the last. It is a very stressful experience, to talk about stressful experiences, while all the time suffering from a stress disorder...
Give yourself a break, what you're doing is hard and it takes courage, and strength.
Give yourself a well deserved pat on the back, force a smile on your face for 5 seconds, see how it feels. It's a great start.
The fear or anxiety in your mind might start again before the next appointment, and I'd take a good guess that you're already starting to wonder if you can make it to the next appointment? Having your partner or a friend go with you will be very helpful for you, and there's a lesson in there somewhere, about not being able to function properly alone sometimes... or at least not in our own best interests.
I try to seize the moments when I'm feeling well, I try to do positive actions, do those jobs that I've been putting off, but mostly I attempt to undo the damage of my low period of the week before.
Missed appointments are a regular thing for me, even now. I make excuses and hope I can make it to the next one, rather than admit the truth. Very much depends who your supposed to be meeting, a friend is one thing, a client is another.
I can tell my friends about PTSD but can't really tell my clients. Well, I Could, but think I'll be out of business pretty fast if I did. So I can relate to what you're feeling about missing the appointments. I especially can relate to the sense of doom and gloom, of feeling really down afterwards and being hard very on yourself because you failed to make the appointment. But that's not all is it? It's much more than that, it's every other appointment you ever missed, with this one stacked onto that pile.
It's also being hard on yourself again because you failed, you allowed the self destructive part of yourself win, again.
Your therapist is just a tool to get better, no different than a wrench to loosen a bolt, a tool.
Rumour is exactly right, Therapy, Therapists... are nothing to be afraid of, they are simply a device to help you navigate your own feelings, in a safe environment. That's all they are.
Try to think of ways to dis-empower the thought of meeting new T. Think of it this way. Your new T is a specialist in trauma and PTSD right? Why did she choose that career path? So she can judge you? To abuse already abused clients, for fun?
Of course not, she chose it because she is deeply interested in it, she wants to help. It gives her pleasure if she can help you. So instead of thinking, "oh dear, what will she think of me? I'm a wreck, I'm not my best etc..." Start thinking, "Oh wow, this T. is really going to love me because I am exactly what she finds appealing, and interesting!".
Actually, the worse you are, the more she'll be happy to see you!
Wish you luck
