Awkward Moments

[Gloww33]

Sometimes I go through these periods of time, maybe a day maybe a couple of weeks where all of a sudden I feel intense feelings of awkwardness, like people can see how horrible I am feeling about myself. It feels like all of a sudden I am out of my element, completely vulnerable like I don't fit in anywhere. People that I normally talk to, I avoid and I don't feel nice....during this time I am so negative usually people that I have just met end out not wanting to stay friends. It is horrible then I am constantly obsessing about what I did or what I say....it is so depressing. Sometimes I don't feel like talking and I avoid people......and sometimes it's extreme shyness. I want to have friends so badly, but I don't....not real ones and I think it is because of this. I feel like people think I am weird, which they are probably right, but it is only because I am silently fighting this horrific battle that nobody else knows about. I can't keep up, this has to get better. I can't live this way forever.

 

[Notsowild]

Wow I could have wrote this thread. It sounds so much like me. My T is trying to get me going out more. But I feel so different, so awkward and stumble on my words sometimes. I was always an extremely shy child and combined with the CSA made me feel even more different. Since my last trauma and a slew of horrific symptoms I feel even more distant from the world.

Before my trauma I belonged to a meet-up group. Haven't been back since. I joined an Anxiety- depression group but was triggered by a girl I'd known before. I signed up to Toastmasters to help with my shyness and to help me communicate better. But I chickened out at the last minute. One day, one day I'll get there. Just want you to know I definetly understand. Maybe we can do baby steps together:hug:

 

[Thender]

It might seem like it happens randomly, but I highly doubt it.

Try to increase your awareness of your surroundings and environment, or think over what was happening when you noticed the change in mood.

There is something there, in my opinion, that triggers the mood change.

You are probably not antisocial, and I don't think you are a bad person.

Probably the trigger is something that makes you feel transparent to others.

And I think the negativity and acting out may be a way of chasing people away when you are afraid things may not work out. That way you don't have to wonder when things will go badly, because you can force it to happen.

I would try to have a boring relationship and just keep it as stable as you can for awhile, and not rush it. Maybe you can find a group activity that is low stress like exercise or book club or church that meets once in awhile.

Something to give you more stability. Also, some people are very forgiving or more tolerant, and these would be ideal to help you learn to build stable relationships, if you can find them.

Not everyone is heavily judgmental.

 

[Seagreen]

I get that awkwardness a lot too, I like the way you have described it. I was thinking about it last night and trying to put it into words. I think that therapy makes it worse for a while because are you feel very exposed during treatment. But after a while it seems to get better. Maybe try reminding yourself that it is on the inside and no one can see these feelings. You could also focus on being present in the room (or wherever you are). My T used to get me to note the sounds, sights and smells of the world around me to bring me back when I was getting caught up like that.

 

[Jasminedharris14]

I can definitely relate to your feelings of awkwardness. I went through a period of time, and still have moments, where I purposely try to exude confidence because I am not okay with feeling vulnerable. As a grad student in counseling I have the fortune of having faculty members who are also therapists. :) A few of them provided me with some feedback, saying that I was not being my authentic self. I spent the better part of a semester analyzing my feelings about authenticity and vulnerability. What I came up with was that my past trauma has shaped my worldview. When I refuse to be vulnerable, put on a mask and hide the negative things going on with me (negative self talk, depressed mood, anger), I am not being authentic. I had to realize that I cheat myself and others by not being open with people. I had to allow myself to be authentic and take whatever consequences of that authenticity in stride. I definitely feel more comfortable in my own skin, less awkward (realizing that mostly everyone is awkward in some way), and more true to myself. Examining my feelings about being vulnerable and open with others, and what it would be like to just accept my awkwardness, was entirely helpful. I hope this helps.

 

[Gloww33]

Wow, your answers really helped me, very impressed with everyone's answers and thanks for the support. It is so hard to put into words. I liked what you had to say about knowing that I am not alone, that also it might not be random, that maybe something is triggering it and I liked the part where I need to get that people can't see what I have gone through and also finding some low key friendships for a while and doing baby steps. :) I had to think about my authentic self, interesting......I never thought about the consequences of just being me in the moment. I am going to think about all these things....thanks so much everyone :)