Awkward Rescheduling

[Leah123]

My therapist works from home, we do phone sessions and email, more than three years now. We both had weekend plans, family staying with her, a rare overnight getaway for me and a session scheduled this morning. She just wrote me to ask if we could meet 30 minutes later than planned today. I said ok and offered to meet tomorrow if she was tired from the weekend or busy catching up (she usually works w/other clients on weekends).

She replied no, she wasn't tired, she and her guest wanted to get haircuts.

Well, awkward and unpleasant. Honestly... I'm uncomfortable. I don't want to have a call when someone's in her house and when she's preoccupied, and... I just... sometimes, honestly, even though it's unattractive and unrealistic of me and I know it, I just have this clingy maternal transference and so part of me wishes she wouldn't move my session to hang out with him and get haircuts.

I can understand, it's not a big deal, I just feel how I feel.

So I wrote her back and said it felt odd to me to have a session while she was entertaining company, like it compromised our office space, and since I was flexible (and I already know she is too) we could meet another day, another time, to let me know when worked for her.

I don't like being reactive, but since I am... I didn't want to lie to her about it, what's the point of that. I'll settle but it was sudden to have to make up my mind, so that's what I did.

 

[Silver.]

I think you were very reasonable in your request. If it was a therapist that you saw in person, it would be just you and her in her office, right? So the same would apply to a phone/email therapist. You deserve to have your sessions with just her, no one else, and no distractions.
Not sure what you are asking here, other than perhaps validation, but you did do what was right and you shouldn't stress out or feel upset. You did well by telling her you were uncomfortable. It is a very reasonable expectation to have undivided attention.

 

[Leah123]

I think you got me with the word "deserve." Teared up thinking about that. I've really been struggling with that. I don't have a mother in my life and I just had a very similar snafu with my one aunt, who I haven't seen in a long time, where she was going to come visit me but then asked me if she could bring a guest and I felt SO... shorted. (I worked that out and we talked about it in therapy too, that was just late last week actually.) I have so few women in my life like that, my grammas are gone, my mother has been estranged for more than 20 years, etc.... that I don't want to share, because I'm not really getting much of that maternal time at all. I only get one hour a week with my therapist and our emails and I don't want to share, it's only one hour. (Just cut back my sessions to one a week recently too, was 2 a week until about two months ago.) Even if the sharing is the abstract type where she's not alone in her house. I'm used to the way things are and I like them that way.

 

[Silver.]

I completely understand. I have lived more than half of my life without my mother, even longer without either of my grandmothers. It is such a hard struggle without having a female figurehead to go to, to talk, to rant, for advice, for comfort, everything really. I too would feel slighted if I had plans with a person to just see them and something came up where it wouldn't be just us two. I can completely relate to this. I am so sorry you are on this path without a motherly figure x
I can see how hard it is for you, and that is why you have come to depend on your therapist to be there for you. I do think this is something you should talk with her about, as it seems to be that you are transferring your wants for a mother figure onto her, and she won't be able to fill that role for you. That doesn't mean she cannot be there for you. As I said, you did nothing wrong in voicing your concerns and expectations, you should be proud that you were able to do that.

*gentle hugs if you accept*

 

[Leah123]

She's been really mothering to me and we call her my "good enough mother" a therapeutic term. She's there for me a tremendous amount and very nurturing so that probably enhances the transference, so there are drawbacks and benefits. Yep, I'll definitely tell her how I feel when we talk.

Thanks. :)

 

[Leah123]

Ugh, she wrote me back, I just saw the msg., and instead of acknowledging my plan change to reschedule she said not to worry, she'd be upstairs which was totally private and that it had just been the only time she and her guest were able to get an appointment. She said she was eager to hear all about my getaway. I'm thinking about it.

 

[Friday]

I think you did great.

One thing to consider, however, is;

I have a girlfriend who is an MSW. She sometimes does distance meetings with clients over Skype, and sometimes does home sessions out of her office. When I'm visiting her? I leave for both of those. Going to get breakfast/ haircuts/ nails/ the farmers market/ etc. is one of those smooth transition things she does to manage both guests & clients & herself. AKA takes guests out of the house well before they need to be (so if there are any problems it's not distracting her or someone else is still rushing around trying to leave), leaves them somewhere else (so her work & personal lives are kept separate), and then we meet back up later, after she's done working. She usually rings, because sometimes clients cancel freeing up some time, or run late & that's awkward to walk in on (for everyone), or she has paperwork. And once she asked if I'd be willing to meet a client who was nervous about joining a rape support group, just because she knows I can talk rape all day long and be mad calm about it (I'd done crisis stuff with her in the past, just not for a client OF hers, nor whilst on vacation). Yeah. Sure. Where? Yours or at the group? Okay. Will be there.

Now... That's how my friend managed the work/personal life transition thing with house guests. Clearly, that's not the only way people do. But it would make sense to me if your T was getting their guest out of the house with the haircut, and just sort of goofed in over sharing with you why she wanted to move the appointment.

 

[Friday]

Aaaaaaand I see I just cross-posted with you AND was totally wrong. Drats.

 

[Leah123]

I love how your girlfriend manages guests, I think that would be perfect. My therapist is definitely going with her guest, she said "they" were getting haircuts together, that's why she wanted to meet a little late, but I wish she'd do it your way! :) Thanks.

ETA: crosspost :)

 

[Leah123]

Well, I wrote her back and I hope she'll be gentle and empathetic rather than impatient or put off, sigh, but that's always the risk when being honest about things like this.

I wrote:

Hi, I just saw your message. I feel put on the spot and I'd rather not meet today because then I'll just be spending some of my valuable hour with you processing not wanting to share you and probably regretting it. I'm reminded of my aunt wanting to bring ***** (her guest), I think there's a little.... thread between these two situations, not identical but relevant, around how short I am on time with my mother figures and not wanting to share and that those feelings are hard for me but that you and others have said I am not selfish for wanting that time and acknowledged that it's not the same, what she (my aunt) offered (the trip with ******* rather than her alone) nor does it feel the same, what you offered (a late appointment because you're busy with your (guest) who's still staying over), as just having our normal, quiet, on-time alone session. So that's what I'd like and I'd rather meet later than have the complications today if you would.

(ETA: It's not that I'm afraid to say that in session, but again, I only get that 60 minutes a week and I want to spend it on other things.)

ETA: It is hard to say that though... that I really want her undivided attention, want her to myself, I'm not eager to look so ugly and immature, but... I have to hope it's not ugly to want that... I don't think as a mother that I would feel my child was really ugly for wanting that with me, at any age. I'm not expecting 24/7... just our hour.

ETA: I wonder if she'll think it's controlling that I don't want her to have company during our session, but... it is what it is. I'm not trying to control her... I just... feel uneasy with the whole thing.

 

[watundah]

I getcha. I often wonder how they transition from client to client and I rarely feel she's not tuned in. On the other hand, I don't handle the idea of an intrusion well, either. However, we never know what they're up to before we arrive and just have to have faith that they're giving us their all during our time.

 

[Leah123]

Well that was really bad.

She wrote back and said she hadn't thought it'd be a big deal (because we've rescheduled other times) and sorry she triggered me and her family member would be there at least 2 weeks now and might be moving in and so we could never have a session without him at home for a while.

She asked if I wanted to meet tomorrow and I started crying for being thrown off and said I didn't realize and she left, saying they were going to the grocery store and not to worry, we were fine. (I'm really burnt out and tired too, it may be making me more sensitive.)

I wrote back that I wasn't fine, that I felt shuffled and other things and didn't know what to say about 1 tomorrow but she was already gone. :(

ETA: Plus if he's there two weeks, why did they have to get haircuts right then? I popped that into my message to her as well, it just feels inconsiderate to me. I'm never sure I want to know what's going on with her if it impacts my time. I feel the more mature perspective is to be glad she's open, but.... sigh, I'm conflicted.

ETA: She did say she promised it would be private.