Awkward?

[safenow]

I am something of a misanthropist and (literally) very nervous.

The way my early childhood went, I felt that same way. It took me years before I could trust humans, Yet, now, I have learned I am a human. Those who have called me that - I have a deep respect for, so I took it as a compliment.

I hope that you can learn how to trust at least one person who is kind to you. That is a beginning. For me, it was the headmistress of an orphanage. I had never seen such a kind person in my entire life to that point. I think I was maybe 11 or 12 years old. But that only lasted about a year. But she gave me hope. And hope led me in the right direction.

 

[littlelostchild]

I love how many of you have put it in terms of respect. I was an incredibly shy child who always hung out with the geeky kids. For many years a highschool, I was regularly called a dyke, fag, etc. One of the few good ideas my parents had was to send me to acting class for a session. It opened up for me the importance of observation and improved my confidence because in role, I could perform. That is not to say I suggest performing.

I think it is a balance of understanding and being authentic within the cultural mores of the group you are with. At work, I am comfortable as me, but in a way that fits that work environment. I have to be able to speak with kids, teachers, parents, community members, at times the media and senior administration. It is always me and they all know that what I do and say has its foundation in helping kids learn.

I am currently on leave from being a school principal (ages 4 - 14). I am really good at the job, but was being constantly triggered by hearing the stories about the students - and I wanted to help them all, did help many get services, referrals, etc. but with budget cuts it became impossible to help them all. I think my history has given me a tremendous amount of empathy and understanding for the students who are in emotional pain - behaviour never occurs in a vacuum.

Whitrlady, thhis is my long winded way of saying that your background will make you an even better doctor. You will have a level of understanding about the human condition that most other doctors do not. That being said, be sure to have good boundaries in place or choose a strategic specialty. Learn from my mistake - I will need to learn how to create boundaries before I can go back to work. I hopee I can do it beacuse I had/have a genuine passion for the job. I love helping children be the best people they can be and if they need the help of an adult, I will be there for them even if it ticks off some of the other adults.

Keep working at it Whitelady - it will be worth it!

 

[WhiteLady]

Thank you LittleLostChild. I appreciate your advice. I have so many questions regarding sociality, especially those in relation to Erikson's theory of Psychosocial Development (if you are familiar with this topic), how mand of these milestones I (and we) may have missed and how this may impact our current behaviour, fears, shortcomings, etc.

 

[littlelostchild]

I can't speak to the milestones (but i am sure I missed a boatload), but I am familiar enough with child development just to say that mine did not follow a regular path. I think my way to go is to be able to identify my cognitive distortions for example: I have problems interacting with people who I feel are a threat (this is a distortion), I then have to deconstruct this using evidence and come up with a new perception. It leads me to a more functional way of behaving.

When I was being more analytical (my prefered way of living), it wasn't realy behavior changing. Although through research I could understand better my quirks (let's call them) I wasn't able to move out of the ones that were keeping me from making real progress. I had to stop fighting my T and try the cognitive reconstruction - evidence technique to get it out of my head, onto the paper and into action.

Here is my opinion (throw it away if you like). We missed what we missed, and perhaps recognizing which milestones specifically is ok, but we don't need to really know what they are to move ahead. What we do need to know is how best to confront our distortions/misperceptions and replace them with a proper realistic perception. Eg. People will want to hurt me. This way we can begin to interact with others in a more authentic way. Is it easy? No f#c&ing way! When I stand in a line with a man behind me, I have to keep reminding myself not to turn sideways or turn around, that he is not going to grab my breasts, that I need to breathe, be strong. Some day, It won't be so hard. When someone asks me to do something, I have to remember to say 'let me think about that', to give me tiime to talk it over with my H. Right now, I need to go through listing with him whether or not it will be healthy for me to take on something. I am not yet at the stage to do it myself because I would say yes to everything and then be overloaded and crash again. It takes time and work.

I have really had to let go of control in therapy and it is really hard. But it is starting to show progress - balancing the analytical with trusting to let go and confront the distortions that I have accepted for a lifetime seems to be helping me.

I know you will find what works best for you WhiteLady. I can tell through your postings that you have a passion for medicine (you really want to find your way) and you will find your way to be able to be the best you can.