Ayahuasca/iboga. why not?

[mumstheword]

For me, it's my inner child/children I've had to reach out and connect with. If you're going down the shamanic path have you looked in soul retrieval?
Drugs won't cure you but some can help you identify parts that need working on, and intergrating, in my opinion. There are not really any quick fixes on the road to true heath and healing from these brain/psyche injuries incurred in young childhood. I do think there is a place for what you are talking about though. I got some profound results from DMT and other natural psycho- adapagenics. They also catapulted me into even more profound psychosis and dissociation before I did the work of addressing dysfunctional codependent relationships, untangling cognitive distortion, learning to treat myself with compassion, patience, mindfulness and prioritizing self care on a day to day basis (with the help of therapists and peers and of course, I'm still a work-in-process).

Art therapies can be profoundly helpful; Dance, music, writing, fine arts, songwriting, singing, being in nature and letting out the odd primal scream or two, making compassionate friends. What about going to a festival and just dancing for a couple of days? Bare in mind Ayahuasca works in conjunction with a shamanic cultural basis, it's anamistic, nature-based living, it's magical child-mind awakening, it's Spirituality and soul retrieval, is dispossession and aligning with healing multidimensional Beings and Aspects of Self, It's primal dancing and music making, It's being in touch with your primal tribal self and healing your inner child/children is something I think you will have to do as part of that awakening and that takes time. Your inner child needs to feel safe. Needs play, hugs, quiet, nature, wonder, stories, gentleness, slow, patient enticing treatment, Loving present people, and lots of relational support. Good luck! You sound very committed so I believe you will get there!

 

[Abyss95]

Seems like your mind is made up.


If the current path you are on doesn't work out, and you reconsid...

hmm.. this made me think of an idea to just start getting all the help I can get. I'm just gonna try to talk to every free mental health resource in my city.

 

[shimmerz]

I'm just gonna try to talk to every free mental health resource in my city.

Quality, my friend, not quantity. Talk to the best informed trauma therapists. Not just any old mental health staff. Playing with trauma wrongly, can do serious, serious damage.

Agree about the cost of therapy. It financially broke me, making my issues larger. Thing is, the therapist kept saying he would put me on a sliding pay scale. He never did.

I ended up doing my own thing for just the reasons you are stating. I think they were and still are tremendously helpful. But I was careful. There are lots of stories about people (shamans) that profess to be healers but actually are happily taking desperate people's money. Shaman's don't generally have any form of certification. And if they don't know what they are doing -- fixing a botched soul retrieval could be all bad. For real. For life.

Did I mention the story about the shaman (and he was a real shaman) who decided to take me on a journey to 'the worst time of my life?' That I reacted so strongly that I couldn't be retrieved out of the journey he had taken me on? That he left me in that space? That all I could hear in my head for days was screaming? I swear to you, he took me to insaneville and was going to leave me there. No. He DID leave me there. Luckily I had another friend who was able to retrieve me.

This shamanic stuff is no ride in the park. Go with the wrong shaman and you may be living your own special psychosis for the rest of your life. NEVER let someone screw with your inner self that isn't 1000% trustable with that responsibility. And before you start figuring out who is trustable and who isn't, you need to know what YOU need first. That means learning how to get yourself out of dissociation. Learning how to ground yourself. Without these things, a shaman and ia is useless.

 

[Abyss95]

For sure. I will try to find trauma informed professionals and if I feel like I won't make much progress with them, I'll make sure to be assertive and move on.

I called the 811 number last night and after discussing that I had some suicidal thoughts, they told me to go the the nearest hospital, which I did. They asked me some mental health questions and at the end gave me some mental health resources in my city. I have to say, that visiting the hospital was much more than gaining some phone numbers to call. I always have suicide kind of in the back of my head and seeing those people in hospital beds, and nurses/doctors taking care of their patients really made me think how precious life is, even mine. The visit snapped me out of derealization and I felt connected to my family and friends; I could feel the sadness they felt when they thought of me.

 

[Sideways]

seeing those people in hospital beds, and nurses/doctors taking care of their patients really made me think

This is huge. It may have just been another comment for you, I’m not sure.

But following this thread, and then to read this? This is a big deal. Because bot only did you have an experience that you recognised was able to get you out of your dissociation, it didn’t involve putting anything into your body, or making any changes to your brain.

Can you pull this apart? What aspects of this experience do you think might have had this impact? And then, how do you start to replicate those elements in your daily life? For example, would doing volunteer work at a hospital be a potentially life-changing positive experience for you (just as a random example)? Because that would be a therapy & drug free thing to do that would connect you with your community in a meaningful way, which is a pretty massive bonus on top of finally endig the dissociation...

Just a thought.

 

[shimmerz]

Because that would be a therapy & drug free thing to do that would connect you with your community in a meaningful way, which is a pretty massive bonus on top of finally endig the dissociation...

Brilliant. That's how to heal! Love that!

 

[Abyss95]

Hmm.. well I can certainly go to environments that expose me to the harsh realities in my society such as disease, hunger, poverty to help my derealization. But I don't think I can actually get socially involved at least not yet. One of the most crippling symptoms of my depersonalization is the inability to read social cues. To society, I appear zombie-like and I stick out like a sore thumb. I feel like until I can somehow relieve my dp, I have to keep avoiding people.

 

[EveHarrington]

Do you know any grounding skills or coping skills?

 

[Abyss95]

I don't know. Is that just ways to help my derealization? eg. holding an ice cube, biting a lemon

 

[EveHarrington]

Yes, those are a few examples. There are many different grounding tools out there and sometimes you need to practice for awhile before they really work well.

Are you in any kind of unsafe environment or around unsafe people?

 

[Abyss95]

My environment is safe. The only threat to me really is myself

 

[Cyberluddite]

Hey @Abyss95 ! Hope you're having a better day today.

Ayahuasca is a vine-type plant that grows in the Amazon rainforest, from which the hallucinogenic drug is derived. It's extremely powerful, right up there with the peyote mushroom, and treated with the same level of caution and respect by shamans.

It's not something the everyday person messes with, like an aspirin. Like peyote, it's used in rituals that delve wayyyyyy into one's soul. You'll come back looking like you always have, but mentally... you'll be you, but not-you. And even more prone to nightmares and flashbacks.

Pharmacologically, Ayahuasca affects your brain similarly to MDMA and LSD. As such, it only removes the self-imposed filters of whatever your mental state happens to be at the time you take it. This is why it's not done by folks who aren't shamans, it doesn't take much power of suggestion to unintentionally go very wrong.

Whoever said Ayahuasca is hard work, is 100% accurate. Like with any drug or hallucinogenic, this one is prone to counter-react with food, drink, and supplements in unpredictable ways. You really have to spend time, I mean a lot of time, preparing and healing your body and mind just to even consider asking a traditional shaman for this.

We have a Church of Ayahuasca in my town. They've been actively recruiting vets and civvies with PTSD to join as members, promising a quick fix. Even the Pagan community refuses to associate with that crowd, and we regularly hang out with the Botanica community. Shamans, too. But not the "church".

I'm glad you had that wake-up call, when you saw what the hospital was like. That may have saved your life, compared to a dangerous fringe fad. If you still want to use a plant for getting your head back in the game... I would suggest the "plants and gardens" section of a home improvement store.

They sell plants you can safely use in cooking, no shaman required. Good luck, and remember... one step at a time, one day at a time. :hug:

Clarification:

The Pagan community does not associate with the Church of Ayahuasca, as we do not endorse the use of dangerous or illegal drugs for recreational use.

We do, however, work with the Botanica and shamans, because they are knowledgeable resources for medicinal and healing methods.

There is a Church of Ayahuasca in our town.

Apologies, coffee hasn't kicked in yet. Much love and respect to y'all. :)