Question: after one of these relationships has failed due to you feeling like you can't meet expectations, can't deal with being loved and made to feel like a valuable human, is there anything us exes can do to make you feel safer and know that you can be fully accepted and loved with us?
Good question!
It actually indirectly related to something I've been avoiding in therapy. :bag:
I haven't been in many relationships. I think, maybe, all those feelings cause me to send off signals that encourage people to leave me alone. Just guessing about that. Of the 4 relationships that come to mind....... 2, to be quite honest, were with people who had at least narcissistic tendencies and what finally happened was I realized I was being used and quit. The third was just too complicated. The 4th........He died unexpectedly. But I've been thinking about what made that relationship feel safe(ish). 1) I was sure he could take care of himself. That made me feel less like I had to protect him from "me". (Being as how I kind of see myself as a dangerous and toxic person.) 2) I could never find a thing about me that he thought was a deal breaker. Eventually, I kind of tried. Very very few people really know "the real me". Partly because most aren't interested and partly because I figure "to know me is to hate me". (Don't feel the need to argue. I know some of this isn't strictly accurate. I'm talking about the version of reality that exists in my own head,) So, I hide stuff to avoid running people off. With him, it seemed like it was safe to be honest. As near as I could tell, it was. He got angry about stuff that had been done to me, but he never treated me like I was weak or fragile or damaged. Stuff about me that annoys other people, he thought was cute. :rolleyes: He might have been a very accomplished liar. I'd like to think not. But, if he'd lived longer, maybe there'd have been a bad ending, I don't know.
I actually never wanted to isolate with him because being with him was so easy. If I wanted to talk, it was ok. If I didn't, that was ok too. If he needed me to listen, that was fine. Silence from him was fine too. It was just easy being in the same place. He made it clear that he not only didn't expect me to be anyone other than who I was, he didn't WANT me to be anyone other than who I was. No pressure, just acceptance.
That was a process though. It took a long time before I began to suspect I could count on him to be the way it looked like he was. And, thinking about it, the last guy I went out with asked a friend of mine for advice. My friend told him, "The thing you have to realize about Scout is, you have to prove up every day." "Prove up" might be an odd expression. What he meant was, I think, that I tend to expect the worst from people and you only get to trick me once. That last guy was a nice guy, but really clingy and kind of controlling. He's now happily married to someone who's ok with "clingy". We're still friends, but the relationship was WAY too complicated.
I don't know if that makes any sense, much less if it's helpful!
