Bad episodes

[AnonymousXII]

I wasn't sure where to put this thread, so feel free to move it somewhere else. For some context, I'll explain my situation.

I'm 18 years old and I was recently diagnosed with C-PTSD. I was sexually abused by two different people. The first person was a family friend that was caught by my grandmother when I was two years old. The second person being a family member, my grandfather, who sexually abused me multiple times up until I was five. I didn't tell anyone until a month ago. Both of my parents had rocky childhoods and drug addictions spawned out of this. They fought a lot, my dad being a pill addict and my mom doing cocaine. My family was poor and when I moved to the 'snot area' a lot of the kids that visited my house criticized it. I was also tormented by my cousin, he was my biggest bully until we were teenagers. I had a lot of shitty friends who abused my doormat personality to the point where I became a bully myself. I started being cruel to others because it made me feel better about the awful things I dealt with. I slowly got over this behavior, realizing how wrong it was. School drained me a lot too for various reasons. I have really bad social anxiety, and a fear of harmless things. I get really depressed and have awful episodes where I cry and mope, I try to vent to my friends but I feel bad for throwing all of my unstable emotions at them. I like to push them away when I need them the most.

I'm not sure why I'm even posting in all honesty. Maybe because people on this forum will understand? Maybe because they can relate? Am I looking to vent or for advice? I honestly don't know anymore. My life is a blur right now. All I do is sleep. I barely take care of myself and I still feel exhausted. I've never been suicidal, I have a fear of what comes after death. The possibility of not existing deters me from harming myself. Sometimes I feel like taking a break from my life though. I've had a fake world in my head since I was a kid with characters inspired by movies, books, and music. I feel like I have a mild case of dissociation. When I'm different, I'm aware it's me. But it's a different me. I'm not one to self diagnose though; I should bring it up with my therapist tomorrow.

I guess this post is just a blob of all of the thoughts going through my head right now. I got upset over something small earlier and it 'snowballed' into a really intense sadness and I haven't been able to sleep yet, it made me feel better to type out all of my thoughts into a disorganized mess. I guess there's one question I can ask-

Do you have any recommendations on what to do when you're just having a really bad day?

 

[Kintsugi]

Welcome. I encourage you to make an account here. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot.

Self-care tactics are important to remember on our bad days. Exercise, drawing, journaling, listening to grounding music, getting out of the house for a small treat, seeing friends who uplift you...

It's a difficult road. I'm glad you found us.

 

[Muted]

I struggle with bad days too and it can be hard to snap out of it. Do you have a friend that you can hang out with? Even if you don't vent, sometimes it just helps to do something fun and take your mind off of everything your dealing with.

If you're feeling stuck, you could try changing your picture. What I mean is bring up a picture in your mind of a peaceful safe place and then think of another peaceful safe place and practice switching between both places.

 

[Cora Lekki]

Connection is the opposite of the hell that we can fall into. By reaching out, you sent a lifeline to yourself.

Honestly, keep following your instincts.