General Bad News For Hubby

[amethist]

Had the chat this morning nursenurse, about coping better now so when the time comes he will be able to be there for his dad as he wants. It seemed to sink in, but only time will tell.

I also said that this time he has now with his dad is a bonus, as it could well have turned out differently and his dad could have died 10 years ago and he would never have got the chance he has now.

I have told him that I will not cope with all this alone this time and I am going to tell his community support and his therapist what has been going on.

 

[amethist]

Had another chat with him and told him some home truths. It hurt him, which was not my intention, but hopefully he will think about what he has been doing and act on it.

 

[Nicolette]

The drinking is his way of coping right now, and all I can do is sit back and wait for him to come to me for help.

He has said he will deal with the drinking once his dad has gone.

Oooh, I don't like the sound of this. Everyone eventually dies and using drinking as a crux is not healthy for anyone let alone someone with PTSD.

 

[Abstract]

The lure of using unhealthy means if coping when normal coping methods are stretched is great but what he isn't factoring in is that these seem to make things easier in the short time but in truth make everything way, way worse in the longer term. The reality is that they don't make anything better.

I hope he manages to pull himself back and treatment team help him with this. What he needs to be doing is concentrating on upping his healthy coping.

I hope it all settles.

 

[amethist]

He is doing well tonight, to say it is bonfire night and there are a lot of fireworks going off, he is relatively calm.

No drink tonight and is not running off to his garage to hide, though we do have headphones at the ready in case the fireworks get too much.

 

[amethist]

Hubby's dad goes into hospital on Friday, for the cancer growths on his face to be removed. This on its own is a good thing.

What has hit hubby hard is the way his mum is reacting to it all. She is not worried about any of it, and knows he is in good hands but has decided that as it is her birthday on Friday, and is going to celebrate it as planned, she is still going away for the weekend.

Hubby is furious that she is doing this leaving his dad to cope all on his own with this.

 

[nursenurse]

What is your take on the situation? The facial growths on their own aren't a big deal in the scheme of things, and after living with all of this stuff, maybe Mama just needs a break, I don't know. She is not going to the hospital with him and then leaving for her trip?

Your hubby needs a break from the worry, have any of the siblings stepped up, or do they even know yet? And definitely a break for you, poor Amethist, for being in the middle of it all. Hugs to you especially :hug:

 

[amethist]

have any of the siblings stepped up

That's what bites me big style, they are all going away.

As far as I know they are taking him then leaving him there. I am also angry at his mum as she is very very selfish, I just did not realise how selfish until this cam up.

He is in his eighties and not very well, what with the cancer. The operation is only cosmetic, then they are going to do chemo to try and arrest the growth of the rest of the cancer he has.

 

[nursenurse]

You know who will be wailing the loudest at the funeral. You and your hubby will at least have no regrets. I mean who just dumps an 80 year old off, it doesn't matter what shape they are in, and says see ya later?

Illness and death do such a number on folks. When my Ma was in palliative care, she ended up stabilizing for awhile, so I cautiously took short contracts for work, a week or two. In the meantime, I knew her doctor and was constantly managing her healthcare while I was away. If my brother had a concern, Boom! I fixed it. When I was home, I would spend lots of time most days with her, early afternoons, in which I would help her eat, get to the bathroom, explain for the gazillionth time which button called the nurse and which was her pain med. I was after the nurses constantly because many had become so complacent that they forgot about basic care. I was fighting for private rooms, dealing with the ombudsman and a snarky nurse manager just to get what I as a nurse perceived as ordinary care and I don't get paid when I am not working. My brother, a teacher, would show at 4:30, and be gone by 5:15 to pick up his adult kids from wherever. And you know what his wife told me? That I was not being the daughter. I was expected to not work and not make money, at a time when my constant physical presence was not needed.

I guess the point is I know you are going through a rough time, and it may get worse. Is there any way of engaging these morons and putting a foot down? You and your hubby are entitled to some help and some peace. I just don't understand families sometimes. And I am so sorry for you guys.

 

[Toria]

That's awful! I do get that perhaps they don't have the perfect relationship - I don't know - but honestly. Even if they were constantly at one another's throats you'd think they have more decency than that!!!

I think all you can do is take the moral high ground, be there for him and hope that it doesn't impact too badly on Husband x

 

[amethist]

Hubby has had words with his mother today and told her that if she goes away this weekend and leaves his dad to cope on his own he will never speak to her again.

It seems to have done the trick and she is going to go away after his dad has recovered from his surgery.

 

[nursenurse]

Bravo to him for standing up! I hope he is okay :) It's hard even when we are all adults.